Hey everyone. Sorry for the late newsletter, but the wayward spirits of All Hallow’s Eve must have had my ever-vulnerable mortal soul in their cold, lifeless clutches and bound it with the impenetrable ropes of the….sorry, no, I was just busy doing laundry. And it was eeeeeevil. But, to your benefit, you get me writing this as I watch the Pats game. So, keep on the lookout for shifts in mood. If I start to go to a dark place in the writing, you’ll know things aren’t well. To add to the “realness,” I have also thrown whiskey into the mix. So, you know…things could get really real tonight, my friends.
Anyways, last Thursday’s show began with the Fang tribe going over what they have left for rice. And, a couple minutes later, Lou Ferigno goes ahead and knocks over the supply. You know, when the show first started, when I read her bio, I really thought we were getting Incredible Hulk Lou Ferigno, but we ended up with King of Queens Lou Ferigno. You know, when he played the next door neighbor who made Kevin James look intelligent. Kevin James. Kevin. James. HULK DUMB.
Then, to the camera, Spicoli was all, “Dude, she totally like harshed my gig. I was all, whoa. And she was all, nah.” Lou Ferigno then made the situation even more tenser by refusing to eat the rice. “HULK SPILL. HULK CLUMSY. HULK NO EAT. YOU NO LIKE HULK.” Honestly, I feel like I have made Hulk jokes in like every season of Survivor, but whatever. Caps = LOL. Damn, I have also made that joke before too. Have I jumped the shark? So, after that, Ace says to the camera, “Crystal did me a favor and she will be the next lamb to the slaughter.” Except he said it with his accent, which made it sound like “lamb to the slawtaugh.” Then he ate her liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.
That’s totally like in that movie.
Now, if you thought that was awkward, let’s head on over to Kota. Dan is starting to feel like Rick Morehouse in Just One of the Guys. Like, before he met the dude who was actually a chick. You know, while he was still jamming to James Brown in his bedroom and wearing ill-fitting shirts and not comparing himself to “Cindy Lowwper.” Danny boy is feeling left out of the Marcus-Charlie-Corinn alliance. He basically went up to them and asked if he could be their friend. Unfortunately, it went over as well as if Martha Dumptruck had done the same with the Heathers. Its probably because he always wears a tie to tribal council. I once knew this little fat kid in school who wore a tie and everybody made fun of, and nobody liked and he had a twin brother, and everybody said he never looked like his twin brother, but he wanted to...Wayne, were you that fat kid? No! No! But I used to beat the sh*t out of him! "Why are you so fat? Why are so ugly?" Aaagghh!
Wow, three 80’s movie references in one paragraph. That has to be some sort of record. I am a winner.
Honestly, the reward challenge was super boring, so I won’t go into too much detail. There was aggression and ball-breaking and broken spirits and…dang, this sounds a lot like high school NO HE DIDN’t!! HELLOOOO! And Fang lost. Blah blah. What did Kota win? A helicopter ride and a picnic. And Randy was his loathsome self while Sugar again proved useless. Then, Sugar was ordered to go to SUPER SCARY HOLY CRAPBALL ISLAND!!! Was this a repeat?
After the loss, Fang further fell down a spiral of shame and self-hate from whence few return (Indy 7, Pats 3). On a romantic canoe ride, Spicoli tries to convince Ace to vote out Sugar based on her poor grasp of how to win things, but Ace sticks by his Sugar (sticks? Sticky? Sugar? Clever) and says he really wants to get rid of Lou Ferigno based on her poor grasp of femininity. Super Mario, meanwhile, is talking to Lou Ferigno back on shore, “Hey, thissa Ace-ah. He-a no good. He a slimier than the five-day old baccala. I trust-a him less than the King-ah Bowser. Capish?” To which Lou Ferigno replied, “HULK NO UNDERSTAND. YOU ASIAN. NOT ITALIAN.” Super Mario retorted, “Its’ah me Mario.”
Whiskey.
Enjoying their picnic, the Kota tribe received a big surprise – letters from home. When Bob read his letter, his voice went up an octave higher. I wish I could convey how he sounded. Well, picture High Pitch Eric in a bowtie and like 236 pounds lighter. It was pretty much like that. “This is Kelly Clarkson.” Also of note, Randy did not get a letter. Why? Because he’s dead inside (Indy 7, Pats 6 – getting better.)
As the tribes met for the immunity challenge, THE UNHOLY DARK LORD revealed a HOLY MY CRUD WHAT? twist. Both tribes are going to tribal council and will have to vote someone out tonight. Who the what? At first, you’re like whoa, that stuff be crazy. But then, you remember that Fang is down to 5 people and 3 of those people are Super Mario and Lou Ferigno and Sugar and then you realize that the producers had to do that or it would have been like David vs. Goliath, which would have been totally unfair. If it were like Davey versus Goliath, well, that would have been ok. Sure, Goliath probably could have chewed Davey to bits, but Davey had God pretty much in his corner, and I am pretty sure that trumps, like, everything. Hey, remember the episode when Davey got trapped in that train car and started hearing voices telling him he was “all alone”? But he wasn’t alone, was he? Nope, God was there. Well, and the hobo who claimed he kept candy deep in his pockets.
Whoa, a Davey and Goliath reference? This is getting out of hand. Where was I?
Oh, right. So, in the immunity challenge they will be playing for individual immunity rather than team immunity. And it was a log-rolling competition. Heh, log. During the competition, Bob revealed he was a log-rolling champion back home. Of course he was. He also revealed that when he takes his shirt off, you can see right through him to the other side. That fool be skinny. Also, he revealed that he loses things. Because he lost. And who won? Marcus. Who? Yep. Him.
And SATAN REVEALED then said that Marcus could pick someone on the other team to get immunity. He chose Sugar. And you know what I just remembered? There was a character on some later episodes of Punky Brewster named Sugar. He was a kid who liked to box and lived at Fenster Hall. So, since he liked to box, he called himself Sugar. There was also a kid who called himself Tyson. He enjoyed forced sexual relations, facial tattoos, and eating children. Man, I’m glad I stuck around til the end for that show. Things got weird. Remember when Punky’s cousin visited and wore that “I brake for Doughnuts” shirt that said “Blimp on Board” on the back. No? Well, HA! And you all called me mad for watching Season 3. Now, who’s mad??
At the Fang camp, Super Mario attempts to convince Sugar to blindside Ace and vote him off because he has been talking smack about her behind her back and….UGH GAFFNEY!!! HOW DO YOU NOT CATCH THAT! Oh, sorry….yeah, so Super Mario was working his magic to convince Sugar to vote off Ace and it seemed to be working probably due to the fact that, just by eating a mushroom, he grows to like five times his regular size. Upon hearing this, Sugar exclaimed, “His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.” She then went on, “He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.” Hence, convinced. Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you.
You know, sometimes I go down these paths and even I can’t find my way back.
So, first up at tribal council was Fang. And, of course, they proved once again to be a disorganized mess. Spicoli lashed out at Lou Ferigno. Lou Ferigno hulk’ed back. Ace backed Spicoli. All kinds of yelling and loud noises. And Sugar was all, “…” So, it came down to the vote. And I wasn’t sure how it was gonna go. But, in the end, Ace was voted out which means that Sugar wasn’t too “sweet” to him. Get it? Well, Sugar is her name, but its also the name of a white, sweet substance often used in baking and also as an additive for coffee. It’s a class of edible crystalline substances, mainly sucrose, lactose, and fructose. Human taste buds interpret its flavor as sweet. And sweet can have two meanings…it can mean “nice” or “kind,” but it can also, of course, be taken quite literally whereas sugar is sweet. I know. Hilarious, right?
But wait…there’s more…
Don’t forget, both tribes went to council tonight. Before Kota went, however, there was some scrambling to be done over in their camp as well. Dan was trying desperately to stay on the island, knowing he was on the chopping block. So Charlie says, “Dan is super vulnerable tonight, and the only thing Dan has going for him right now is that he should really cross his fingers and hope that Susie is going to blow up and do some crazy stuff,” he continued, “Oh, I don’t know…like have a conversation with Corrine in which she tells her that she was maybe going to vote her off and thereby make her angry and determined to then vote Suzie off. But, you know, I am just speculating.” OK, so maybe he didn’t say that second part, but it is what happened. When Corinne does have a chat with Suzie, telling her they are voting Dan off and want to keep Suzie on, Suzie goes ahead and tells her she was actually going to vote for Corinne. Which was smart. And by smart, I mean incredibly stupid.
After this, Corinne makes it her mission to get Suzie off. She tells her alliance she hates her and wants to punch her in the face. I don’t know…If I were them, this would make me want to keep Suzie. A little girfightin be alright, right? I mean, that can be pretty hot and…huh? No, I don’t know what Suzie looks like. But she can’t be bad enough to make girlfighting unappeal…Oh my. Yes, get her off the island.
However, they thought better of it, and at tribal council, sent Dan and his shiny tie packing.
Also, Pats lose 18-15. Blah.
Until next week,
Wayne
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