Alright, so I know I know…late again. This time, though, I was off at a work offsite in Vermont being really awesome – just ask anyone. Especially me. If you ask me, I would say I was crazy awesome. Because I was. You don’t believe me. Whatevs. Look, I don’t care what you think…you’re not the boss of me. Whatever. Whatever. I’ll do what I want!
Oh, also, I will probably be starting the next newsletter with an apology too because I will be at the Bruins game on Thursday and I have a feeling I won’t have a feeling on Friday. Like any feelings. I am pretty much just betting on numbness. And so should you. It’s a sure thing.
Anywhat, at the beginning of the episode, at the Fang tribe, everyone was talking excitedly about the Ace blindside. Everyone except Spicoli, who was all to Sugar, “You D$#K!” He also said he would never make another promise on his girlfriend. He promised he wouldn’t. On his girlfriend. Damn. Then he said starting now, he wouldn’t. He promised. On his girl – awwww, almost did it again. Phew. Close. He then said that was the biggest mistake he ever made. He swears. On his girlfriend. What? Dammit.
After that, Spicoli said that he thought Lou Ferigno would be gunning for him now. Lou, though, said not to worry because she isn’t good at anything, including gunning for people. Then, everyone said they would like to merge because they hungry. And everyone told Sugar that they would not tell anyone else in the other tribe she has the idol. Spicoli promised. On his girlfriend. Dagnabbit!
At Kota, Corinne was talking about Susie and hating her or some stuff. But, all I could focus on was Marcus’ crazy facial hair. He’s got like these two really heavy hair patches on each cheek surrounded by light stubble everywhere else. He sort of looked like Wolverine. And Wolverine was cool and all, but even his fans couldn’t say he had the best fashion sense. Adamantium insides? Sure. Well-coiffed outsides? No way. WEAPON X!!!!! GAMBIT! G33KS R TEH KEWL!
Then came the tree mail. And it said they were going to eat, which everyone thought meant the merge was coming. This was good news for Kota, who has the numbers to beat Fang…and it was good news for Fang, who wants to know what a winner looks like. I wish they had just asked me. I would have told them. A winner has dark hair and light eyes. A winner is about 5’8 and has a constant five o’clock shadow. A winner dresses less than professional at his work, but still commands respect. A winner writes a newsletter about a reality show that jumped the shark like 6 seasons ago. Its specific, but how else would they find this person? Also, a winner is specific.
When they get to the beach, everyone starts acting all happy to see each other. “Hey, remember when I ate all that food in front of you and you were close to dead from starvation? It’s so good to see you. Say hi to your mother for me.”
Then they see all the food and everyone made the Bill Cosby “Jell-O Pudding is Yummy” face – Pokeman? With the pokey and the man? – because they are all thinking about how much they would enjoy food. And the ‘Cos makes that face because, well, if you wore sweaters like that, you would too. YOU CANNOT SAY FILTH FLARN FILTH!!!
Then, though, they see a box that says they need to wait to open it because once they do, the feast is over. At this, they made the open mouthed Bill Cosby “now let’s see what Mi has in store for us today” face. Picture Pages, Picture Pages. Time to get your Picture Pages. Time to get your crayons and your pencil. I still curse my mother for never buying me my own Mortimer Ichabod pen. But, I bet it didn’t really make that noise anyways. TV always lies. Except for the A-Team. That mess was real.
Then as they are eating, Super Mario sees a note on the table and sees the word “immunity” and he was like, “Thatsa crazy. Thissa piece of the paper with the wordsa on it is a mess with my head like the Limoncello.” Also, Charlie saw it and it said that they could either keep what it said to themselves or they could share it with the group. Charlie decided to share it with the group. To this, Super Mario made the Bill Cosby “Ghost Dad did how bad at the box office?” face.
I know…I’m bringing Cosby back.
The note said that the idol was hidden under a tree near this log…seriously, the note-writers weren’t even trying. It was like watching an episode of Blue’s Clues:
Steve: Hey, everyone. We’re gonna go watch Blue’s Clues. We’re gonna go watch Blue’s Clues. Cuz we’re really smart.
Blue: Bark.
Steve: Hey Blue. OK, let’s take out our handy dandy notebook and see what Blue wants to eat. First, we saw a pawprint on something hot. Then we saw a dog. And a plate of fries. Gee, what could Blue want to eat?
Blue: Bark!
Steve: (to the audience) What do you guys think?
Me: (yelling at TV) Holy crap! You are the worst detective ever Steve. No wonder they replaced you with Joe. God, it’s a frikkin’ hot dog and fries! Are you serious??!! Oh man. I wish Blue would tear out your larynx. It’s a good thing I’m totally hammered right now or I would just lose it.
My son: Cries.
Regardless of the low degree of difficulty of the clue, Randy was still excited he figured it out. Because he’s old probably. He gets excited when he figures out that the “T” stands for Tuesday and “Th” stands for Thursday on his pill box. So, they find the idol and the Kota members decide to announce a plan to get rid of it. Super Mario and Spicoli were not totally down with the plan, but they decided they had no choice but to go with it. “Hey, thissa idol. Itsa important. Throwing that sonomabich thing away would be-ah like throwin away the raccoon suit. Mama mia,” said Super Mario. Spicoli agreed, “Dude, totally. It would be like throwing away some gnarly doobage. Alright Hamilton!”
But, regardless, the plan went through and all went out to the ocean to throw it away. Randy said he would take his clothes off if he had to. Apparently, the “Th” revelation had not occurred to him this week. Thankfully for us and my still in tact retinas, he remained clothed. He also says he is king of Gabon, because he helped to make people throw away an immunity idol. So did Wolverine. Then Cyclops disagreed. Then they both looked grumpily at each other, while Jean Grey continued to be a boring character unless she was Phoenix.
Then they open the box. The box instructs them to draw stones. They all draw stones, perplexed. Then the next part says that the even stones would be the new Kota tribe and the odd stones would be the new Fang. The new Kota is Super Mario, Lou Ferigno, Susie, Wolverine, and Bob (?). The new Fang is Sugar, Spicoli, Charlie, and Corinne. What the who??? This show be trippin’
At the new Kota tribe, Wolverine reveals that Lou Ferigno is the cousin of one of his best friends. Probably Beast, right? When asked, Beast responded, “Well, I am quite highly educated and also hairy and strong. What do you mean, ‘that just seems like the writers threw together some random characteristics’? Preposterous.” So wise. And hairy. So, Wolverine says that if Lou Ferigno is cool people like her cousin, he won’t write her name down. And Lou Ferigno responds, “HULK GOOD PEOPLE. HULK COOL LIKE THAT. HULK WANT KNOW YOU LIKE SPORTS TEAMS?” Aw Hulk, what a destructive monster you are. Lou Ferigno says she won’t write down Wolverine’s name either, because she doesn’t know how to spell it.
At the new Fang tribe, Spicoli tells Sugar that Ace was not trying to screw her over at all and that Super Mario was lying to her. Sugar starts crying because she feels like she screwed Ace over for no reason. This was like the time I thought my wife left me at a bar and I went home, cursing her out the entire time on the train, and up to the house, and through the door, and as I picked up the phone…until I heard, on my messages, “You a-hole, you left me at the bar.” Then I was like, wait…I thought I left her, but she actually left me. We really learned something that night. She learned that I am a huge idiot and I learned that the couch in our old apartment was actually pretty comfortable.
Wolverine does not trust Suze. He says she is out there playing dizzybat and spinning in circles. The overlord of metaphors responded, “Dude, seriously? Dizzybat? Please stop. You are besmirching all I stand for. You are like the devil of grammar.” To which the Duke of Similes retorted, “Man, that’s my schtick. And there is no such thing as a ‘devil of grammar.’ You’re the absolute worst person with the worst most awful horriblest facial hariest facial hair.” The duchess of hyperbole then shot herself.
Then came the immunity challenge. As they were gathering, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS asked Wolverine if he still thought he had this game figured out. Then he smirked. Wolverine’s claws were out, but Professor Xavier said sternly “Logan” and Wolverine backed down, still steaming.
The challenge was an endurance challenge where everyone had to hold up these two poles and keep them from falling out from under the blocks of wood above them. The last person standing wins immunity for their tribe. Lou Ferigno, being really the most awful contestant in the history of Survivor, dropped hers basically before THE PROBST explained all the rules. Then came Sugar, Lou’s closest competition in the “worst ever” contest. At the end, it came down to Charlie, Spicoli, and Bob (?). Then out goes Charlie. Then Spicoli starts laughing for no reason. Yeah, no reason…puff puff. And they are both struggling. Spicoli comes close to losing it, but holds it together for some guy named Bob to drop his.
Back at Kota, Wolverine tells Lou Ferigno he is going to vote out Super Mario, then Susie next. Lou Ferigno says to the camera, “Trying to vote out my ally? You can’t outwit me, baby.” Ummm, was he trying to outwit you? He just told you what he was going to do. And that was what he was going to do. Outwitting you means tricking you, no? You’re right, Lou. You can’t be outwitted. Hey, Lou, look…Elvis. God, you’re dumb.
Then Wolverine goes back to Susie and tells her he is voting out Kenny. She then says she just wants him to take her to the final three. That takes some nads, man. I mean, why would she even expect him to do that? She is crazy. And those two growing breast-caused sweat spots on the front of her shirt are making me so nauseous. Seriously…I’m gonna vom…no, ok, better…no, wait…chunks rising…ok, got them down…nope they’re back and…hun, the dog got sick all over the floor. BAD DOG!!
Talking with Lou Ferigno, Susie tells her that Wolverine is taking her to the final three. Lou Ferigno says he can’t promise that because everyone hates her and wishes she was dead. Susie seems to be buying it.
At tribal council, Lou Ferigno said that being at Kota was like being in corpriate America, whatever that is. Seriously, is she reading this blog? Because she is becoming more and more like the real-life Lou Ferigno everyday, except she is less awesome – very much so.
Anyways, in the end, Wolverine was voted out. And we also say goodbye to our short-lived and long-loved Wolverine subplot. At least for now. I think Wolverine is the first member of our jury. So, I got that going for me. Which is nice.
Until next time,
Wayne
P.S. Everyone who has not paid me yet, please do so soon…this contest will be over soon…and I own brass knuckles. Well, not really…but I did fashion some tin foil into something that loosely resembles brass knuckles. My mom totally fell for it and I got double dessert at last Sunday’s dinner. So, yeah…be afraid.
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