Yes, I did just as I said and did not write a recap last week. Don’t be like that. Anyways, let me summarize what it looks like we missed so that we are up to speed. First off, the tribes have merged and have now become Nobag, which is African for “without luggage.” Also, Bob had no luck finding the idol since Sugar already pwns it. So, he drew on the wallet-making skills he learned back at the retirement community to create a fake idol. And Charlie is gone. Hey, look at the bright side. At least he and Marcus can be together now. They were positively glowing when they came in to sit jury last night.
Oh, also, I watched this one with my son so I missed a whole bunch do to having to answer questions like, “why are they wearing headbands?” and “what’s a idol?” and “when I grow up, can I have vodka for dinner like you?” so I will probably be making most of this stuff up. Seriously, why do you still read this?
On to last night’s episode. It started with the Super Mario/Ferigno alliance being super excited about the blindside they orchestrated. Randy sees the shift in power over to the plumber and the shirt-ripper and doesn’t like it one bit, but he doesn’t know what to do about it. Its tough for me, because I want Corinne to go far, but that means rooting for Randy. It’d be like if I wanted Rudy to be called in the game and sack the quarterback, I’d also have to shoot a kitten. I mean, I would….but that’s besides the point. What? Oh, like you wouldn’t. It’s f’ing Rudy.
Then it cuts to Sugar, who honestly seems to get better looking with each episode (two-face? More like one-face. Right? Right?), talking with Bob about wanting to vote out Randy. When Bob tells her that he doesn’t have the hidden immunity idol, she feigns shock. Her idol-inspired confidence has her awkwardly giggling way too much, though. “Bob has no idea I have the idol. And I kind of feel bad. But it’s also hilariou-HAHAHABWAHAHAHAHBLAHEHEHEHEEWABBBAHABBATUBA.” Does this girl even know what a joke is? Seriously. OK, here’s one:
Why didn’t anyone want to sleep with the Daddy Dinosaur?
Give up?
Because he was a Bronto-snore-us!
You’re welcome.
So then, Bob reveals his fake idol to Sugar, who says, “maybe he’s an evil genius. I don’t know.” She said “he” like she meant, “maybe he’s the evil genius, not me.” Is Sugar an evil genius? Wow, evil geniuses have really gone downhill over the last few years, huh? No one with her belly button tattoo can ever be considered a genius. Seriously. It’s a fact. For real, you have to sign a “terms and conditions” when you get a tattoo like that stating that you fully understand that you will never ever be considered a genius of any kind after receiving such a tattoo. I think Mike Tyson and Megan Fox also had to sign the same thing.
Then Corinne and Randy go to get the treemail and discuss the situation. Corinne thinks that the plan in the other alliance is to have Lou Ferigno, Super Mario, and Suze in the final three. Ugh, seriously? Lou Ferigno is so terrible at this game. She may be the worst person in the history of this show. No, scratch that…in the history of television. Nope, in the history of anything ever that ever happened anywhere in the infinite universe. Honestly, if that happens, my head could explode, Scanners-style. I wonder if my wife would put one of the kids on brain detail if that ever happened. Because she has trouble even dealing with dog vomit. Just something to think about. The More You Know.
So, in their discussion, they decide that they should try to bring Spicoli into their alliance. Unfortunately, none of them have weed OR a gnarly wave, so its gonna be tough. Then, when bringing the treemail back, Corinne yells to her tribe members, “You guys, treemail has individual envelopes for everybody.” And, in reaction, Suze lets out this ungodly noise that sounds like whenever Goofy would ski off a mountain. Its hard to write it, but it would maybe look something like, “Waaahoohoohooey.” Suze is giving Lou Ferigno a run for her money. I still like Super Mario though…because he’s proven that nerds can be somebodies. And tonight, those b*$tards trashed our house. Why? Cause we're smart? Cause we look different? Well, we're not. I'm a nerd, and uh, I'm pretty proud of it. And we have news for the beautiful people. There's a lot more of us then there are of you. I know there's alumni here tonight. When you went to Adams you might've been called a spaz, or a dork, or a geek. Any of you that have ever felt stepped on, left out, picked on, put down, whether you think you're a nerd or not, why don't you just come down here and join us. Okay? Come on. TED MCGINLEY!!!!!!1111PWNED!
So, in the envelopes was a message that alluded to an auction, along with 500 dollars for each member. YAY!! they all cheered. Because that’s what they do.
And here is the rundown:
- When they arrived at the auction site, BEELZEBUB explains that the bidding will be in increments of 20 dollars and there will be no pooling money or sharing prizes.
- The first item up for bid is a bucket of beer and peanuts. Randy wins with a bid of $180 over Sugar. Sugar admits that she doesn’t really like beer. She just wanted to drive the price up for Randy. Not surprising. She seems much more like a Purple Passion type of girl. Purple Passion – the drink of choice for evil geniuses.
- Next item? A covered surprise. Ooooh. Ken wins it for $340. Under it is a note that says he can send someone to SUPER DUPER HOLY FRAK ISLAND and take all their money. He sends Bob and takes his $500.
- Then the next item is covered…OH MY LORD!!! Sugar wins it for $340. Its chocolate and peanut butter. That’s totally like that candy.
- The next item is the reason I couldn’t sleep lastnight. A hot bath. That someone has to take right there. In front of everyone. Who wins? Sugar? Corinne? Randy? Nope…you think its going to be that easy? Suze. SUZE! And she strips right there. You remember that scene in The Shining with the old lady in the bathtub? Or how about the scene in About Schmidt when Kathy Bates gets naked in the hottub. Both of those infinitely more erotic than this. I still feel unclean. Also, what is with Jack Nicholson and unappealing ladies in hot water? Heeeeerrrrrrreee’s saggy breasts!!!
- The next item is a burger and fries with a soda. Spicoli wins it with a bid of $400. Munchies, dude, munchies. Funyuns, man, Funyuns.
- The next item is covered again. STOP IT BURNETT! YOU ARE KILLING ME!!! Randy and Super Mario bid high, but Super Mario gives it up. Its spaghetti and meatballs and wine. Super Mario exclaimed, “I lostah that meatsa balls. Mamma mia! Itsah just like momma used to make. Oh mamma. I missah you cookin. Pasta fagioli! Chef Boyardee.”
- The next item is a bottle with something in it that THE UNHOLY MASTER says will give the highest bidder and advantage in the immunity challenge. Corinne immediately jumps in with a bid of $500. Super Mario has more money, but gives it to Corinne. I know I have Corinne in the pool, but she is so boring…she’s very hard to right about. Her mouth is big, I guess. Which reminds me of Pac-Man. Hey, Corinne is Pac-Man. Done. And she can’t open up the bottle until the beginning of the immunity challenge.
- The next item is covered and the first person to bid on it wins. Randy wins with his $20 and THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS explains he just won it for the tribe – a plate of chocolate chip cookies. First, Randy asks if he can have it for himself, and the answer is no. Then, he goes to hand them out. Sugar is offered a cookie first and says she doesn’t want it. Since there was an extra cookie, Randy asks Pac-Man if she would like an extra one. She takes one and a half, and Randy gives Spicoli the other half. Then there is one cookie left. Randy hasn’t had one yet, but offers it to Sugar, who takes it and gives it to Spicoli. The Munchies be crazy.
So, ok…on the way back to the camp, Spicoli thanks Sugar for the cookie. Sugar. Cookie. BAWAhahahahahaha. Sugar would have laughed. Anyways, Randy gets pretty angry about this, saying it wasn’t her cookie to give away. She took his cookie and gave it to Spicoli. I sort of agree with the old fart here. That was kind of ridonkulous. And Sugar thinks its crazy to get all upset over a cookie. But of course she does. She’s the one who gave his cookie away. I mean, I get upset over cookies all the time…and I haven’t been starving in Africa for days. Just yesterday, there was only one Lorna Doone left. And my son ate it. So I grounded him for a month. Tough? Perhaps. But how else will he ever learn that I am irrational and prone to fits of anger? I love that little…HEY! DON’T YOU DARE MOVE! WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU’LL THINK BEFORE ACTING. I’LL TURN THIS PLACE AROUND. I KNOW IT’S A HOUSE. DON’T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE. I KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. THAT’S IT. CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED.
Hey, it’s how my father taught me and I turned out…SNAKES SNAKES SNAKES.
At CRAZY STUFF BE HAPPENING ISLAND, Bob chooses clue over comfort and realizes it’s a clue he already saw, so he decides to go on a hike and appreciate Africa. “Where are all the topless chicks,” he proclaimed. OK, he didn’t. But I did. Sorry, ladies, I’m taken.
The next day, Randy and Pac-Man come up with a plan. Randy is going to be really hard to live with, so that everyone wants to vote him out and then when Bob comes back, hopefully he’s found the idol and Randy can use it. Really good plan. Not! What? Is “Not!” out? Seriously? And I usually consider myself so up on the hip lingo. Where’s the beef? Am I right? Pac-Man fever!
So, Randy commences what he calls Operation Strong Arm. But, honestly, he has basically been acting like this the whole time, no? It would be like me being, “OK, I am going to start being extremely handsome and charming and irresistible to beautiful and exotic women starting now.” You would all just be like, “Oh, hey Wayne…just another day for you, right? Because you are acting the same.” Then, I would do that whole burping the ABC’s thing I always do. And the swooning would be uncontrollable. I know…I could literally hear hearts breaking the moment I said, “I do.” Hey hun, you win…you got me.
Next up – Immunity Challenge! The tribe members have to walk across beams and gather these blocks and then set them up like dominoes while avoiding trip wire. I know. Let’s just move on. Also, Pac-Man is told she can read her note, which says she can sit out the first round and move directly to the finals, along with the top two finishers from round 1. So, the challenge starts and surprise, surprise, Lou Ferigno is just awful So bad, that I think even SATAN has stopped commentary on her. Did she seriously compete in the Olympics? Are you sure it wasn’t the Laff-a-lympics? Because that would make more sense. I’d say she was like the Really Rottens, but even they won once. Lou Ferigno, you are lower than the Really Rottens…and they had mostly made up characters, like the Creepleys. Seriously, were they ever in anything else? The Creepleys? More like the Creep…oh, I guess actually being called the Creepleys is already pretty bad.
So, I will just skip to the end. Super Mario won. Pac-Man lost. Not surprising. Pac-Man’s whole existence depended on mostly running away from dimwitted ghosts, unless he chomped on a power pellet, which were rare in the game. Though in the cartoon, there were forests full of power pellets. Don’t you hate it when video games are less than accurate? I also heard that Q-Bert and Coily were actually lovers in real life. And King Hippo? He was neither royalty nor hippopotamus.
So, ok…how is Randy’s Operation Strong Arm going? Not well. Sugar convinces Bob to give Randy the fake idol and tell him its real, which should make Randy use it at tribal, thus making him the source of ridicule, which would be even more embarrassing than when Robert Downey Jr. poured milk shake all over Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science. There’s a big white sale going on…at Towel World! I don’t get it.
So, Bob is convinced. And tensions are high. Even Lou Ferigno is angry. When filling out her card, she doesn’t hide her anger. “HULK NO LIKE RANDY. HULK WISH HE GO HOME. HULK HATE RANDY. HULK…HULK…HULK HAVE NO INSIDE VOICE.” And everyone is smiling deviously. Randy is smiling because he thinks he has the idol. Sugar is smiling because she knows he doesn’t. And Pac-Man is smiling because her mouth won’t do anything else.
When Randy plays the idol, of course it doesn’t work. LUCIFER gives a long speech about the hidden immunity idol and then, much to Randy’s chagrin, says this is not the idol. And of course, Sugar thinks this is high-larious. So does Lou Ferigno. Who doesn’t deserve to be there.
Until next time,
Wayne
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