SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE XI: BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NEW SPRINT INSTINCT

‘allo my lovelies.

Sorry, I just thought that would be such a creepy way to start this week’s newsletter. I don’t know…calling someone “my lovely” just feels so…eww. Doesn’t it feel like I should be offering you candy right now and telling you I am a good friend of your parents? Well, forget it. The candy is mine…all mine. Except the Mary Janes. You can have those. They’re terrible. Oh, and the Jujubees. Because those are like chewing on ear plugs that have been left out in the cold for too long.

Anyways, where was I? Oh right…So, why do I only know one Spandau Ballet song? I mean, “True” pretty much is one of the greatest songs ever written and, according to their Wikipedia entry, they have like a kabillion singles. But just the one. The one, perfect Spandau Ballet song. Maybe that’s the way it should be. Maybe God, in his infinite wisdom, only meant for me to know the one, true Spandau Ballet song so that I may know perfection. I bought a ticket to the wor-her-herld. Hm? Survivor? Ohhhh…sorry. Wrong tangent.

Well, the show started with the tribe coming back from tribal council all laughing about the trick they played on an old man. But its like, hey, tricking an old man isn’t that hard. I once convinced the old bum down by the tracks, Stinky Pete, that the third rail tasted like Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. Man, what a time that was. And the funniest part about the whole thing? He was my brother. I mean, wow…Man, was I embarrassed.

So, Bob did not like all the hootin’ and hollerin’ Sugar was doing about the Randy blindside. He felt bad about his role in it, but he felt that Sugar had taken it a bit too far. And then Pac-Man joined in, calling Sugar a hypocrite. Then Sugar said that Pac-Man talked behind people’s backs, to which Pac-Man replied, “Have you seen the size of my mouth? Even when I form small words like ‘a’ and ‘chomp,’ I register on the Richter. If I am talking behind your back, you would know it.” Then she used a palm tree to pick some food out of her teeth.

The next day, out on the water, Super Mario and Bob pull up a fish. Super Mario then starts talking about how “back in the old country, he madah the best baccala. Now, on the plumber money, hes ah havin to settle for the Filet-of-the-fish at the McDonald’s. Itsah no good.” Then he went on to talk about how Mortal Kombat for Sega Genesis is the greatest video game ever, to which Bob replied, “I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a very good game, but Donkey Kong is better.” Super Mario replied, “Donkey Kong sucks.” Bob then retorted, “You know something. You suck.”

Wait. Is that what happened?

Oh, then Super Mario (probably still reeling from the whole “you suck” fiasco) told us how he feels about Bob’s strategy. He doesn’t like. No sir, he doesn’t. He thinks that Bob is just not looking out for himself and is here to “build things.” Well, I will tell you what – he has built something. He’s built a solid bridge made of love to my heart. There. I said it. Super Mario then said he’d be cool with getting rid of Bob. Probably because he’s always using a hammer LIKE THE HAMMER BROTHERS!!!

Super Mario checklist:

Italian stereotypical accent: Check
Non-sequitir videogame reference: Check
Direct Super Mario Brothers reference: Check
Having a “why do I write this thing” moment: Priceless

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribe had to divide into teams of three and tie themselves to one another to go out to the swamp and collect these sprocket-shaped puzzle pieces and bring them back and assemble them to create this mechanism to raise their flag. And then, before the challenge, THE DEVIL WITH NO HEART tells them all they will be playing for a video message from their loved ones on THE NEW SAMSUMG INSTINCT PHONE BY SPRINT. And everyone gets a taste before the challenge. And, of course, everyone cried…Even the people who got messages from, like, their sister, or cousin…Seriously. You’re that upset about getting a message from your sister? I haven’t seen my kids in months and you don’t see me crying about it. Its not like they have gone anywhere. I just made a bet with myself that I could “not look down” for three months. I am almost there. If I win, I get to buy myself a manicure.

So, yeah, winner gets a video message and pizza and beer. Man, love pizza and beer. And sandwiches and beer. And cake and beer. And self-loathing and beer. God, I hate myself.

So, Lou Ferigno and Suze pick the stones and become team captains. Lou Ferigno picks Sugar and Bob and Suze picks Super Mario and Spicoli. Pac-Man has to sit out because no one picked her. Probably because the challenge didn’t involve chasing a floating pretzel or turning ghosts into sets of eyes. Team Lou Ferigno came out to an early lead…and blah blah blah. They said these things would be Sprocket-shaped, but they looked absolutely nothing like a fluffy dog who lives in a fix-it shop and chases Fraggles all day. Dance your cares away, worries for another day.

Oh, and team Lou Ferigno did win and go off to the next round, where the three of them had to work to put together a slide puzzle, Being the only one with a functioning brain stem, Bob wins and gets to enjoy pizza, beer, and a message from Bea Arthur. And in it, Bea Arthur was like, “hey, I have something special to show you” and then she walks off the camera. And then she comes out from behind a tree and it was like, “AND THEN THERE’S MAUDE….” And I was all, “how’d she do that?” She must have one of those things like in The Fly. Which made sense. Because the skin under her arm looked really loose and ready to come off.

Man, I am awesome today.

So, at that moment we were all WHOA, right? Wait, there’s more. When Bob came back with Bea to the camp, he gave this pretty impressive whistle (good thing he won…I don’t think anyone else could have whistled like that) and up over the hill came EVERYONE’S LOVED ONES. Suze’s husband, Pac-brother, Princess Peach, Spicoli’s dealer…er, girlfriend, Lou Ferigno’s husband (what??), and Sugar’s sister, who looked like she enjoyed sugar more. Oh snap. Seriously, that was cold. I am sorry.

Actually, Sugar and her sister were pretty emotional because her sister brought her father’s ashes to scatter in a swamp in Africa. Hm. “You know, Dad always said he wanted to spend eternity with leeches and STAPH INFECTION.” I don’t know. Is it just me?

But the big moment of the night – BIGGER THAN ASH SCATTERING?? – was Spicoli’s time with his girlfriend:

Spicoli: Look, dude. I think you’re totally bodacious.
Fem-coli: Thanks man.
Spicoli: So, will you hang ten with me forever?
Fem-coli: Whoa.
Spicoli: Whoa.
Fem-coli: Aloha.
Spicoli : …
Fem-coli: …
Spicoli: Cool.
Fem-coli: I love you, Spicoli.
Spicoli: I love you…weed.

It was at that moment, I remembered I started out calling Spicoli Frodo. Damn, that would have been much easier to keep up. I BLEW IT.

After they all leave, Pac-Man and Bob go into the trees. Bob has a plan. He has made another fake immunity idol. The plan is that one of them has to win immunity. The plan is to get the word out that they have the idol that Marcus “pretended” to throw into the water and instill some fear of voting them out into everyone. At first, I was like, “no way would they fall for a fake Bob idol again.” But then I remembered…Lou Ferigno.

The immunity challenge involved Gabon-related questions…For each question a member got right, they would receive one ball. Then, they would move to a platform where they would throw their balls at a bulls-eye in the sand. The one with the ball closest to the middle wins immunity. And honestly, one of the questions was “an elephant uses his trunk as a nose, to grab things, and as his mouth” or something like that. It definitely asked if an elephant uses his trunk as his mouth. And it was true or false. And I believe Lou Ferigno got it wrong. Let me repeat – Lou Ferigno thought an elephant ate through its trunk. She is so awful at everything.

In the end, Bob won immunity. And he and Pac-Man then had to figure out their plan. She says she should let word get out that she has this idol so that people would not vote for her. She tells Super Mario and, despite having better graphics than her, he decides to join up with her and vote out Spicoli. Then he brings in Lou Ferigno. Then, Super Mario conspires with Lou Ferigno to vote out Pac-Man in order to flush out the idol. Lou Ferigno, of course, doesn’t understand but she blindly trusts Super Mario because she has no other option. Their hope is that Pac-Man will use the idol and this will, in turn, result in Spicoli getting the boot, since he is a strong player. And he won’t share any of his stash.

At tribal, of course, Pac-Man does not play any idol. And she is thusly voted out.The good news? She can finally return to Pac-Land. I guess Blinky has found a way to grow a strain of power pellet that can turn Pacs into ghosts. That Blinky. Get ‘em Pac…

Until next time
Wayne