SURVIVOR GABON EPISODE XIII: HULK NO UNDERSTAND. HULK CONFUSED. HULK NOT GOOD AT THINGS. HULK WISH WORLD WAS EASIER FOR HER.

OK, I am going to totally blow your mind right now. Are you ready?

You sure?

No turning back now.

Here goes…

Last night’s show was good.

There. I said it. And you know what? I’m a…I’m pretty proud. I liked Survivor last night. Roll your eyes all you want. You don’t know me. You can’t see me. Whatevah. I’ll do what I want.

It began with them all coming back from tribal. Spicoli was not happy. In addition to not having any smoke for, like, 36 days, he also was unhappy about Super Mario writing his name down to be voted out:

Spicoli: Dude, you totally harshed my gig.
Super Mario: Itsah the game, paisan. Here, you shouldah eat. Buono Natale. I no lie to you.
Spicoli: It’s not the first time, man. This one time, I smoked like 6 joints in a row and played Super Mario 3. Then I went out and skinned a raccoon. Then I wore its skin. You know what? No flying. None.
Super Mario: Thatsah the game. You no skin a raccoon. You go home now, Mr. Bailey. His name is Welsh. He no come in my bar no more!
Spicoli: Is this really happening?
Super Mario: It’s me, Mario!

Congratulations, everyone. You were just witness to the first time in history that Super Mario and Martini from It’s a Wonderful Life were compared. Merry Christmas. It really is a wonderful life.

Also, Lou Ferigno was not happy about Spicoli still being around. She said, ““I am really regretting not writing Matty’s name down tonight which is probably the stupidest move that I have made in this game so far.” You think? I don’t know. What about that time you spilled all the rice? Or the time you dropped those poles like two seconds into that immunity challenge? Or how about the time you THOUGHT AN ELEPHANT ATE FOOD THROUGH ITS TRUNK. I mean, maybe you’re right. This could be the stupidest move you have made, but you should maybe put some thought into that comment. It’s a tight race.

Later on, Super Mario gives Bob the business for tricking him with the fake idol. Bob, for some reason, feels bad that his plan of LYING TO SUPER MARIO ended up making him LIE TO SUPER MARIO. Super Mario said he risked everything to save Bob and Pac-Man, and was upset that this was what he got for being a “nice guy.” Seriously. He said this. We all know you did it to save yourself…you went against your own alliance to do it…and now you got screwed. Well, everyone can, except Bob, who probably has glaucoma or whatever old people get that makes them squint all the time. Cataracts? I bet Spicoli has something that might help. Anyways, Bob promised Super Mario that if he wins, he will give him his immunity idol. Also, Super Mario’s Adam’s Apple is frikkin huge. Seriously, he looks like that vulture from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons. You know the guy – “My momma done told me…bring somethin’ for dinner.”

So, up next came the reward challenge. THE DARK LORD explained that the Survivors will have to run across a swamp obstacle course, and grab a ball…then they come back and try to get it in this small hoop. Then the have to do it two more times. Simple enough. Reminded me of those carnival games where you have to shoot the basketball into the net to win a Wall E. Gator or a Magilla Gorilla (see kids…I am relevant!!!11). You know, I saw a behind-the-scenes special that said those hoops are bent in a way so as to make it impossible to make a basket. Also, in that “knock the tin cans over” game, they hide an orphan in the back to hold up the bottles, so as to make it impossible to knock them over. And, carnies are all soulless monsters brought forth from the bowels of Hell, so as to make it impossible to love them. It’s true. It’s all here in my Wildlife Treasury.

I’ll skip to the end of the challenge, since I spent all that time dropping mad education on all y’all. Essentially, at the end, the three guys (Bob, Super Mario, Spicoli) were all shooting their 3rd and final ball, while the three girls (Sugar, Lou Ferigno, Suze) hadn’t even made one basket yet. I was going to make a “boys are better at sports” joke, but Sport Billy and Sport Lilly both said that would be poor sportsmanship. So, now I know. Bob ended up winning it (again!) and, frustrated, Lou Ferigno ran up with her ball to dunk on a 4 foot tall hoop. Of course, coming down on the net, her ball ricocheted off and bounced high into the air. Boys are better at sports than Lou Ferigno. Sport Billy and Sport Lilly agree – HULK BAD.

The reward for Bob was that he was going to be helicoptered off to a gorilla sanctuary, where he can eat, sleep, and shower (not with gorillas, unfortunately.) Also, he is told he can choose two people to go with him. He chooses Lou Ferigno and Super Mario. Maybe because he was scared of the gorillas. Lou Ferigno could totally hulk-out and SMASH GORILLA while Super Mario would work nicely as a sacrifice. Regardless, that’s who he takes, and Spicoli is none too happy about it, asking, “you ever seen a gorilla…ON WEED, MAN?”

Oh, and he sends Suze to HOLY CANNOLI WHAT IN THE HECK WAS THAT island. Because, well, she’s really unlikeable.

At the gorilla sanctuary, the three sit down to a nice meal of fruit and salami. Which reminded me of a great joke. A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says, ‘I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.’ And the naked lady says…CRASH THRU CEILING. Get it? Hm, me neither. But in the 80’s, jokes didn’t have to be funny. Remember Hamburger: the Movie? Case closed.

So, then they shower and we are treated to a shot of Lou Ferigno in a towel. I never thought an image of the real Lou Ferigno in a towel would be preferable to anything, but here we are and I am stuck in the daynightmare of that awful, awful scene. I apologize to anyone sitting next to me. The dry heaves are unavoidable. As are the “OH GOD WHY”s.

OK, so while they are standing there, Bob says he felt some sort of connection looking into the gorilla’s eyes. And while he was saying that, I was thinking, “sure…ok, you’re our there with the gorillas in the wild. Probably something spiritual there. Who knows?” Then, they pan out. And they are behind a fence. So, they are basically at a zoo. Hmm. Though I guess I could see it. One time, at the zoo, I felt the same sort of spiritual thing. I was standing at the Arctic Fox cage and I looked over and met eyes with Yellow on the M&M machine. I felt like he saw right through to my soul. Then I went to the gift shop and bought a “paint-your-own” dinosaur kit. True story. It was magical.

While everyone else is away, Spicoli uses his time to pout and complain to Sugar about Super Mario and Lou Ferigno. At first, I thought it a bad strategy, but then I remembered how easily swayed Sugar is. She was swayed against Ace pretty easily early on…so why not? It didn’t seem to be working as Spicoli said jokingly that Sugar should give him her hidden immunity idol and she laughed him off. But, did it pay off in the long run? You’ll have to wait and see. Yes, it did. Sorry, I couldn’t contain myself.

Also, on OH MY CRUD island, Suze says, since Sugar was calling the place where they rest “the Sugar Shack,” she was now going to call it the “Suzie Shack.” Oh, I get it. Because her name is Suzie and Sugar was putting…wow, that may be the worst joke in the history of jokes. Even worse than that one about the Pope and Raquel Welch in a lifeboat. THOSE AREN’T BUOYS!!!!!

When Bob, Super Mario, and Lou Ferigno return to camp, Spicoli is openly upset about them being chosen to eat fruit and watch gorillas fling poo. Super Mario and Spicoli get into it a bit and then Lou Ferigno brings down the thunder on Spicoli. But, I don’t know, she just is really not intelligent. Nothing she says makes any sense as she talks about Spicoli bringing her to the final four, but now being aligned with Suze. Even if he was aligned with Suze, 4-2=2. You know? But regardless, she lets Spicoli have it. Hey, when Spicoli’s hair is slicked back, doesn’t he look like Eddie Munster? What was the deal with the Munsters? So, a vampire and a Frankenstein’s Monster hook up. Where would these two have met? And what would Lily want with Herman anyways? Being a walking corpse, I am sure he has no blood running through his veins anyways. But, ok, whatever. They meet. Fine. They get married and have kids. And their kid is…a werewolf. Huh? What? Look, Grandpa was a vampire and, therefore, Lily is a vampire. Now, that makes sense….sort of. I mean, do vampires birth vampires? Or would Grandpa have to have bitten Lily to turn her? Oh well, at least Marilyn was hot.

Annnnnnnyways…

Sugar is pretty upset about Spicoli getting yelled at. Like, really upset. It seems Sugar has replaced her nervous fits of giggling with random bouts of weeping. She didn’t like that Spicoli was getting kicked when he was down. She is now realizing that Super Mario’s weak act is all a cover for his devious plans and that Lou Ferigno is just a “big bully.” Bullies are awful stuff. I once had his bully that used to chase me and my friends to school everyday. He used to bend my arm back and make me scream ‘uncle.’ He wore a coonskin cap and he had this little toadie who once told me I had an Aunt Tilly. And he had yellow eyes. Once, though, I beat him up and made his nosebleed. Then, I listened to Little Orphan Annie on the radio and made my friend stick his tongue to a pole. It was a magical Christmas because it was the first one I didn’t spend locked in the basement. The end.

So, Sugar tells Spicoli he is safe. She will make sure of it. She also tells him to let her do the thinking. I don’t know buddy. That’s a risky proposition. It’d be like Stevie Wonder telling me to let him “do the seeing.” Or Linda from Sesame Street saying let her “do the hearing.” Or Mary-Kate Olsen telling me to let her do the “eating and not sniffing coke.”

Next up was the immunity challenge. According to THE UNHOLY MASTER, the challenge had them all going through an obstacle course to retrieve pieces of a mask and then coming back and assembling them. Sounds easy, right? WRONG! NEXT ISSUE! They have to do it blindfolded. This resulted in Suze going way outside the course and walking around in a hilarious Three Stooges-like fashion and Lou Ferigno continuing her trend of sucking and walking into other lanes. Bob wins (four straight challenges) and gets back the immunity necklace.

And now the scheming begins. Super Mario’s plan is to get Bob to give him the immunity necklace and then take him out of the game. Wow, pretty low. He’s less “Mario” and more “Wario.” Am I right? huh? Come on. Right? Hm? Eh? Er? Wario. Like from the game. Heh? Hah? Uh? Em? Right? Um? Huh? Hmmm? Yeah? Wario. Man, right? No? Think about it. Now? Yeah. Oh man. Hilarious, right? Wario. Dang. Right? Well, just give it some time.

So, Bob tells Super Mario that he will give him the necklace if he feels that Super Mario is going to be voted out. Super Mario, then, goes back to the camp and tells the rest of them to convince Bob Super Mario is next to go. “Gee, sounds great! I am going to do that!” they all respond. No, they didn’t. In fact, Sugar goes right to Bob and tells him Super Mario’s plan. Of course she cried. Why wouldn’t she? She also tells Bob there is a special place in her heart for him. It’s the “sweet old man” place. Also there are Wilford Brimley, Tom Bosley, and the old guy from the “who broke my window?” Church of Latter-Day Saints commercial. Easy fellas. There ain’t no action in the “sweet old man” room. Just puppy dog eyes and “hey good for you”s.

At tribal, the first interesting thing is when the jury is brought out. Randy has a Mohawk. And, not surprisingly, its less “Mr. T” cool and more “Repo Man” creepy. Then, THE DEVIL starts in on the questions. Spicoli says he is glad Bob has immunity because he deserves it, “unlike some people” (nudge, nudge, wink wink, Super Mario Lou Ferigno). Super Mario tells everyone of Bob’s agreement to give him the idol, to I guess make Bob look bad if he doesn’t. BEELZEBUB asks Bob if its true and Bob confirms, but says that the agreement was changed and he needed to feel that Super Mario was in real danger before he gave it over. And he says he doesn’t. SNAP! Diss#1. Then the votes are cast. And we are shown Lou Ferigno’s mug face giving Spicoli her vote…which just made me really angry and want to SMASH!!!!111. Then, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS asks if anyone wants to play the hidden immunity idol, since it’s the last time. And Sugar pulls a move that made me totally change any bad opinion I have ever had of her. She hands it to Spicoli and he uses it, voiding any votes against him. The look on Lou Ferigno’s face made every moment I have sat through this wretched show worth it.

Of course, Lou Ferigno was voted off and Pac-Man was super happy in the jury. I think it was a smart move on Sugar’s part….because she looks really good in front of the jury. You figure she can coast on and get Super Mario and Suze voted out, if they don’t win immunity. And then, well…who knows.

Until next time,
Wayne