Makes us remember the good times we had
Much more to say, foolish to try
It’s time for saying goodbye.
Yup, its that time again. Time for me to bid adieu to you, my readers, until another season descends upon us like a flock of annoying, backstabbing birds. The Survivor finale happened on Sunday and this is the end of a long journey for us. Hey, remember that time I made an obscure reference to a movie/TV show that had nothing to do with Survivor at all? Good times. Good times. Not getting hassled. Not getting hustled.
So, the fully awful five return from tribal after the Lou Ferigno blindside. Sugar was happy with herself for her use of the immunity idol to protect Spicoli, but Super Mario was less than enthused. He felt very betrayed by Bob. “It wasah likah tha time the Luigi stole my lastah slice ah the pepperoni pizza after he promise he give it to me. Then, he go and give it to the Kingah Bowsah. Mamma mia. That’sah me brother. He deny it to the left and to the right. But I turns to him and I say, ‘I knew it was you, Luigi. You broke-ah my heart.’ And he says to me, ‘Hey, Mario, that’s-ah just like in that movie.’ Then I laugh so hard, I accidentally shoot him with a fireball, because I forget I justah ate one ah dem flowers. Then he burn to the death. I feltah really bad. But then I notice his pizza – its still there on the table. So I go and take a bite. And it burnah the roof of my mouth – mamma mia. So, I laugh and look up to the heavens and say, ‘now we even, right?’ Pasta faglioi.”
You’re gonna miss meeeeeeeeeeeee.
The next day, Sugar tells Bob she wants to take him to the final three. She wants to vote out Suze next, then Super Mario. Then, she goes to Super Mario and tells him that if Bob loses immunity, she would like to vote out Bob. Super Mario, probably due to brain damage from all the mushrooms he’s ingested over time, totally trusts Sugar….even though she was a rather large part of screwing him over the night before. Its like watching that little bald kid go after that football every time. I know Lucy’s gonna pull it out. You know Lucy’s gonna pull it out, but he…haha…he still….hahahahahaa….he still goes and kicks the football…hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hilarious.
And then they get treemail…and it says they need to paint their faces and wear the robes provided to look like traditional Gabonese warriors. And yet another culture sells itself out to Survivor. It makes me really sad for these proud cultures when they have to stoop to shilling out their proud ancestry for a little of that Mark Burnett money…just sickens me. These cultures should be revered for their accomplishments and respected for their heritage. Also, those robes totally look like the clothes that the Hawaiian Punch guy wore. How about a Hawaiian Punch? PUNCH!!! Right? Oh my god…that’s awesome. Also, they look like the clothes the lead singer of PM Dawn wore. Also, the lead singer of PM Dawn looked like the Hawaiian Punch guy. Actually, have you ever seen the lead singer of PM Dawn and Punchy in the same room? I thought I did once see Punchy hanging out with the lead singer of PM Dawn, but it turned out it was just Marlon Brando from The Island of Dr. Moreau. Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah, respect for other cultures. Totally. You should totally respect other cultures.
When the tribe members arrive for the first immunity challenge, THE LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD explains that the challenge will consist of the tribe members going through a series of mazes to pick up puzzle pieces which they will use to make a Gabonese hut. It came down to Sugar and Bob getting all their pieces first. Guess who won. Sugar? Dang, you haven’t been paying attention, have you? Of course Bob won. Because Bob is awesome and Sugar has a belly button tattoo that looks like the Journey bird. Wheel in the sky keeps on turnin’ and Sugar is really aw-aw-ful.
At tribal council, we learn that Bob’s win in this challenge has him tied for most consecutive wins in the history of Survivor. Which is nice for him. But it would be like if the Celtics broke the most consecutive wins record in basketball in a year where their only opponents were the Washington Generals, a non- “Teen-Wolfed” Michael J. Fox, and Nell Carter. Its still going to go down in the record books, but I will have put a mental asterisk next to it.
Also, at tribal, Super Mario calls out Bob for not keeping up his end of the deal. Bob says that Super Mario was the one who messed up the deal because he had planned on taking Bob out once he got his immunity idol. Its crazy to me that Super Mario is still acting upset about this. It reminded me of how upset Scorpion was when he was decapitated by Sub-Zero. I mean, then he comes back, kills Sub-Zero and Sub-Zero returns in the Netherrealm as Noob Saibot. So, where did all that get him? Right? So the moral of the story is: Revenge gets you nowhere, kids. Remember that. Or else. The more you know.
After all that happened, Bob decides to keep his immunity necklace and Super Mario ends up being voted out. Later he says, “It is definitely game over for Kenny. Sometimes, like it is in video games, it doesn't go your way and you lose.” Then he continued, “and then you get another life and use it to crush all the Koopa Troopers who wronged you. And sometimes, sometimes you jump on a turtle shell just right in the castle and you get 96 extra lives. And then what, BOB!! THEN I WILL BE INVINCIBLE!!!!!!!” Super Mario was later seen kicking live turtles against a rock. See? Video games are good for something after all. I mean, no one likes turtles anyways, right? Well, except for Splinter, but that dude was super old and lived in the sewer, so who is gonna side with him?
So with that, Super Mario is out. He was close too, but you know what they say, close only counts in Missile Command.
The next morning, Spicoli, Suze, Bob, and Sugar find out from treemail that they will be paying their respects to their fallen tribemates – THE TORCHES OF THE FALLEN. Nice, this part is always great. Spicoli says, “They’re all quality human beings, quality competitors. They definitely deserve respect and I’m just honored to be a part of it.” If he were not cut off, he probably would have continued, “except for Dan, because that guy was a moron. Oh, and Michelle. She wasn’t too smart either. And Kelly was no brain surgeon for that matter. Also, what the hell was Gillian doing here? And GC? My God, was he terrible and his shirt was huge. Randy and Pac-Man? Just really not good people. Ugh, I forgot about Lou Ferigno. She was really not good at anything. You know what? Screw these people. I’m going home.” The only person worth remembering is Paloma, because she was super cute. And the Alamo. Remember the Alamo.
Up next was the last immunity challenge – to decide the final three. In it, as THE LORD AND RULER OF ALL THAT IS EVIL AND UNHOLY explained, the tribe members would have to create a house of cards out of wooden tiles. The first person to reach ten feet or the one with the tallest tower at the end of 30 minutes wins. Spicoli started out slow while the others went at their towers quickly, each having a couple of failed attempts. Sugar was doing well, until “Sugar, your bracelet!” and then BAM. Spicoli thought he had it in the bag, slowly but surely, but Suze erected her tower to 8 feet and waited…no one caught up to her and she won. When she went to the store to buy her sewing machine, however, she couldn’t decide which one to get. She, therefore, decided on a color TV set everyone could enjoy. And everything worked out in the end….until later on, when she met Wally and invited him over for Christmas dinner at her parents’ house…after he lost his job. WAH-WAHHHH.
Well…no. But, yes, Suze won. I know. I couldn’t believe it either.
So, not winning immunity, Bob accepts that he is probably going to be the last person to go. It would be the right play. It would be the smart play. Vote Bob out and you don’t have to face him in the jury. So, I was like, “Sure, Bob will get voted out.” But then I remembered….Sugar. She starts off as a strong, independent woman who knows she is playing a game and…nahhhhh, I am just kidding. Of course, she was crying. She was crying because Bob was going home.
After this, Suze won’t shut up about the fact that she is in the final three. I guess I can’t blame her. Her being in the final three was pretty unbelievable to me too. It was even more unbelievable than the Night Court finale. Dan finds true love and Bull travels to another planet? And yet, that was more believable than this whole Suze affair. I mean, Bull was pretty strange. Its weird, because whenever I went to night court, it was hardly ever zany. Well, unless it’s considered “zany” to vomit on a 45 year-old prostitute. Because, in the case, call me Zany Wayne-y. Actually, don’t do that. I wish I hadn’t written that. I know what you’re saying. Well, then, just erase it. I would, but once I commit it to paper, it stays in here. Because that’s what I promised the guy handing out the “20% off Bath & Body Works coupons” downtown before I shot him. Damn. Well, now it’s out there. Just great.
But, the constant yapping of Suze has irritated some, especially Bob, and he lets Suze know it. He tells her “Well, that just pickles my buckle” or whatever old Southern gentlemen say when they get angry. Then Sugar says something hilarious and makes everyone forget their troubles and….hahaha, kidding! She cries, of course. Then she does something really stupid. She tells Bob she is going to write down Spicoli’s name. And Bob should write down Spicoli’s name. And then Suze and Spicoli will write down Bob’s name. And it will come down to a tie, which will be decided by firemaking. Yep.
So, next came tribal. Suze, still being happy about being guaranteed a spot in the final three, keeps talking about how happy she is that she is guaranteed a spot in the final three. Bob admits that he’s “scarder than a kitty cat in a rocking chair factory, by golly” because he feels very vulnerable not having immunity right now. Spicoli talks about how “What Jefferson was saying was, Hey! You know, we left this England place 'cause it was bogus; so if we don't get some cool rules ourselves, pronto, we’ll just be bogus too.” And Sugar talked about how this game was a metaphor for life and how we are all struggling to survive every day and how….NAHHHHHH. She cried. She said that she is in such a tough position because Spicoli is like her stoner brother and Bob is like her pa. Of course, she is in a less tough position than either of them since they are the ones in danger of going home.
When the votes were tallied, it was apparent where Sugar went because they came back as a tie between Bob and Spicoli. So, now they had to make fire and burn a rope. Gee, who is going to win this? It was a close race. Well, sort of close. Actually, Bob stayed somewhat ahead for most of the time. Truthfully, Bob had an inferno going while Spicoli actually had trouble getting his lit. Which is weird, since I think he has a lot of experience lighting things. Heh. Get it? I am talking about drugs.
So, yes, Bob won and Spicoli was sent home. Which means that we said goodbye to weed-based humor, though I hear Cheech & Chong are mounting a comeback.
The next day was a pretty boring one for the Survivors. They cut another notch in the tree and ate some breakfast that the Burnett crew provided them. “Pancake batter,” exclaimed Sugar. And Suze also can’t believe she is still there. And neither can any of us.
But then comes the big immunity challenge. Facing the jury. Just to summarize, the remaining three have to plead their case before the jury and each member of the jury gets to ask whatever questions they want. Highlights included:
- Suze gave a great opening speech. She talked about how she sized up her competition and she was like, “hey, I was going up against an Olympic gold medalist, a doctor, a lawyer…” and it got great as she continued on down…”a management consultant, a #1 videogamer, a pharmaceutical rep, a wedding videographer…” Yes, those wedding videographers are extremely intimidating, especially in those “incorporate a star fade” challenges.
- When Charlie asked Sugar why he should vote for her, Sugar replied, “I don’t know. I don’t think you have to necessarily vote for me, but it would be nice” or something like that. Hey, guess who DOESN’T win. Cheaters. They don’t win or prosper. Now you know. Then he asked Bob if he enjoyed spooning with him. No, I did not make that up. Bob replied, “tarnation!”
- Lou Ferigno said she would give Sugar a booger check. Even just talking and acting normal seems to be beyond her. Also, Sugar rhymes with Booger…and Sugar Boogers would be a really good candy name.
- When Super Mario was all, “Hey, Sugar. You broke-ah my heart,” Sugar responded by telling him that was “part of the game” and he “needs to just get over it” and….NAHHHHHHHH. She cried..
- Marcus said something or other…I think.
- Randy continued to freak me out with his Mohawk.
And the big show of the night was put on by Pac-Man. Pac-Man proved that, since her decline in popularity after the 80’s ended, has become very, very bitter. First, she tells Suze she will only give her the money if she agrees to use it to have her vocal chords removed. Then, she tells Bob she wants him to get nasty and tell her why he doesn’t like Sugar and tells him, “don’t get nice. I don’t relate well to nice people.” Thennnnn, she lets Sugar have it, “You are an unemployed, uneducated leech on society. And the only thing I would vote to give you is a handful of antidepressants so that no one else has to be subjected to your constant crying. Maybe if you got some, then it would seem a little more sincere when you are crying about your dead father.” My big problem with this monologue? She would vote to give her a handful of antidepressants? That wasn’t particularly witty. She should have said she would vote for her if she used the money to remove her tear ducts or something like that. Seriously, though, that was cold. I thought Sugar’s crying was a little too much too, but jeesh. Pac-Man the videogame character just became more loathed than Pac-Man the football player in my book. Well done.
Then the votes were cast. And THE DEVIL INCARNATE magically walked from Gabon into a LIVE STUDIO! Also, again, no helicopters….no motorcycles…no Chupracabras. So, here we were, live, and OH MY GOD EVERYONE LOOKS DIFFERENT BLAH BLAH BLAH. When the votes were read, the tally was:
Bob: 4 votes
Suze: 3 votes
Sugar: 0 votes
So, Bob is your big winner. Jumping Jelly Beans. Yay. The end.
Until next SEASON,
Wayne
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