YOUR SURVIVOR: TORNADO KICK-OFF NEWSLETTER

Oh, hi. Hey, welcome to the Survivor: Tcan…Toucan…Tarantino…Is it Tarantino. Sure…why not. Survivor: Tarantino.

Anyways, welcome to your official Survivor: Tarantino kick-off newsletter. In it, we will not only understand who amongst us has who amongst them, through the magic of parentheses, but we will also get to know our latest batch of clown shoes. So, without further adieu, let me introduce your Survivor: Tecmo Bowl contestants.


Benjamin (Heather O., Gail L., Alexis)– Wow, where do I start? First off, Benjamin obviously watched the Glimmer Man recently and was like, “hey, that Steven Segal really has a really great look going there” which is, obviously, something normal people wouldn’t say. Also, he goes by the nicknames “Coach” and “maestro.” Point A – has anyone ever gone by BOTH of those names in the history of anything? Point B – You don’t want to call him maestro? So, I suppose it's O.K. for Leonard Burnstein to be called Maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic. So he gets to be called Maestro and Ben here doesn’t? I know what you’re saying, “I don’t think he was called maestro in social situations. His friends probably just called him ‘Lenny.’” Well, I happen to know for a fact that he was called Maestro in social situations. I once saw him at a bar and someone came up to him and said
"Hello Maestro, how about a beer". O.K. So that's a fact.

Also, Benjamin was once attacked by a tiger shark, stalked by a jaguar, and bitten by a pirhana.

Also, my head just exploded from the awesomeness that is Benjamin.

Brendan (Alyson, Dick, Meredith M.)– And then we come to Brendan. According to his bio, whether Brendan is “in front of a classroom teaching entrepreneurial success or taking part in outdoor extreme adventures, he knows how to read the odds.” In addition, according to his bio, Brendan is “someone I would call a tool.”

Candace (Amy C. Erin L., Laurie)– is pretty hot. She was Miss Ohio or something like that. And she is a lawyer. And she talks like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection? At the end of every sentence? So that’s annoying?

Carolina (Melissa G., Melissa A., Lisa L.)– Hey Carolina. If Mississippi bought Missouri a New Jersey, what will Delaware? Idaho. Alaska.

Debra (Heather P., Karen, Cassie) – Debra’s nickname is “Bubbles” and she is not an exotic dancer. I know…talk about false advertising. Also, her last name is Beebe and she is a middle school teacher. Isn’t that crazy? No? Oh, right…you didn’t grow up in Malden. Well, if you had you would have been like, “whoa dude.” Well, actually, if you were from Malden, you wouldn’t have said that. Well, maybe you would have, but it would have contained a lot more swearing. And the grammar probably will have been ungood.

Erinn (Jackie, Wayne, Leti) – According to her bio, “After recently going through a very personal growing experience, Erinn is ready to prove that she can make it on her own and rise to the challenge.” It does not explain what this personal growing experience entailed, so I am just going to go ahead and assume it involved a Zoltan machine and her getting a job at a toy company and her and her friend buying dirty magazines and pretending that Silly String is boogers. Oh, and using a giant piano.

Jerry (Anthony, Mike D., Meridith H.)– was a first Sergeant and specialist in Nuclear Operations in Afghanistan. He was in charge of 100 men sand says, “With this big smile and this convincing attitude, I got them to do exactly what I want them to do!” Big smile and convincing attitude? In the army? I thought they were all supposed to be like, “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNAY PRIVATE SNOWBALL?????” Big smile? Even Beetle Bailey’s boss was always like, “BEETLE, YOU NINCOMPOOP!!!” I thought you were supposed to be all insult-y and condescending in the army. I don’t buy it…I mean, I’m looking at his bio right now. And yeah, he has a big smile, but I can’t imagine he could get me to do what he asked me. I mean, ok, I see his huge, welcoming smile, but I still…with the teeth…and I would never…they almost glisten in the bright sun …but I still wouldn’t…SIR YES SIR.

Joe (David M., Carolyn, Nickie) – “currently works in real estate investment sales and enjoys spending his free time strumming his guitar, tossing around a football and hanging out with friends.” And when he’s not being boring Joe enjoys ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…..

JT (Cynthia, John C., Amy M.) – I really have nothing to say about JT. But, hey, remember in Degrassi: the Next Generation when those kids from Lakehurst stabbed him out of jealousy for dating Mia? No? Hmmmm (turns red). And to think – I didn’t make a Justin Timberlake joke for fear of ridicule. I am so embarrassed, like the time that video of Manny topless got out to the entire Degrassi class. I mean…hey…how about those basketball teams!

Sandy (Kristen, dave L., Mike C.) – According to her bio, Sandy has an “outdoorsy nature (as reflected by her mouse tattoo).” So, I guess some mice live outside. But, some live inside too. I don’t know…if I had an outdoorsy nature, I think I would go with an animal that always lives outside, like a bear, or a homeless person. When I think “mouse,” I think Jerry. Then I think about hitting cats in the head with frying pans. Then I think about bacon. Then I think about Kevin Bacon. Then I think about the movie Quicksilver. Then I think about bicycles. Then I think about riding them…outdoors. Sandy…you. Wow. You just blew my mind.

Sierra (Dan P., Melissa Y., Brad)– is an “adventure junkie.” I used to have the same problem. But can you blame us…when that needle hits your ski…oh, adventure junkie. Sorry. My problem and Sierra’s couldn’t be more different. Moving on.

Spencer (Melanie, Rick, Lisa G.)– grew up the son of an unsuccessful whoopee cushion salesman. In school, he was constantly taunted because of his love of novelty T-shirts and X-rated adult novelties. In college, he says, his “turning-point moment” was when his roommate stole a traffic light and set it up in his dorm room. Later, he opened a small shop in Wichita, Kansas called “Gifts O’ Spencer.” A year or two later, a disgruntled writer from Hallmark walked through his door with an idea for a pun-filled, dirty line of greeting cards. That one spark…that one idea…was all his little shop needed. Pretty soon, people were coming from miles to sample his genitalia-shaped pasta and glow-in-the-dark boxer shorts. In the summer of 1981, he moved his little shop to an abandoned space at his local mall and the rest…well, the rest is history. So, next time you walk into Spencer’s Gifts, whisper a little thank you to our Spencer here…without him, that “50 different words for beer” poster would never have happened.

Hmmm…ok, actually, he is just a student. See? Wasn’t my story better?

Stephen (Mike B. Jeff M. Erin O.) – Stephen’s last name is Fishbach. As in, “When I told the waiter about the fingernail I found in my Mahi Mahi, he promptly took my Fishbach.” Also, says here he prides himself on “being able to pretend to agree with someone's idea while replacing it with his own.” I agree with you Stephen, but what if you let me punch you in the groin instead? I pride myself on that as well.

Sydney (Ashley, Scott, Liz) – I know this isn’t the first time I have seen someone in Survivor say they were both a model and an interior designer. What’s the deal here? Do you have to learn both to succeed? Like at Barbizon, do you need to know how to successfully match the drapes to the couch before they let you out on the runway? I just don’t see the connection…For example, I went to Kate Moss’s house once and I didn’t think it was anything special. Though I do hear that the ‘multiple piles of cocaine-meets-Old World’ style she employed is coming into vogue. I read it in Architectural Digest. Or was it High Times? Either way, Barbizon is totally the name I am going to use for the giant super-hot robot I am building. “I am Barbizon. Take me to your dream house. Beep Beep Bop Boop.”

Taj (Brian, Kate, Chris) – I get so weak in the knees/I can hardly see/cuz Taj is from that group SWV/Sisters with voices was what they were called/Also, Captain Stubing was super bald. So, yeah, Taj was in SWV. Remember SWV?? No…how about this: S-S-Double-Double-U-Double-V-V. Now you got it. Also, her husband is Eddie George, and he used to play something called football. Which I guess is a sport.

Tyson (Melissa D., Casey, Stephen C.) – Here is an excerpt from Tyson’s bio: In addition to, as he describes it, "looking awesome," his favorite hobbies are exercising and sunbathing. If he becomes the next sole SURVIVOR, he plans to use all of the money for selfish purposes, starting with "the most smoking motorcycle around." And here is what I imaging an excerpt from my bio will look like in the future: Wayne grew up in Malden, MA. He has dark hair. He has a wife and 2 kids and a dog. He once killed someone named Tyson. He really enjoys the movie Caddyshack. The end.

Well, that’s it…enjoy the season and I look forward to writing things for you to read. Remember, first episode is Thursday, February 12th…

Wayne