Hey everyone…so sorry about the newsletter being so late this week, but you know I HAVE A LIFE TOO. And you…. You haven’t been home in weeks. You’re still going out? Not without your car keys, you’re not. Something’s going on! I look in your face and I KNOW YOU’RE LYING!!!! GET OUT! GET OUT!!! GO TO YOUR READY-MADE….Whoa, sorry. I…I don’t know where that came from. THAT’S ALL YOUR GOOD FOR!!!!
Annnnyways, the show began with the Jai-alai tribe coming back from tribal council after a unanimous Carolina vote. Sandy is thanking her tribe members for keeping her in the game and her tribe members are planning to vote her out at next tribal council. Also, Sandy looks a little like the crossing guard from my old high school. I wonder why crossing guards don’t frisk you anymore. Remember that? How, before you crossed the street, the crossing guard would take you behind the fence and pat you down. Oh man…and remember how she would say that your parents’ brains would liquefy if you ever told them because they were cybernetic organisms sent from the future and their one weakness was hearing about search and seizure? Oh, and remember those “safety nights” she always held at her house where she would show you what it felt like to be drunk just so you would never do it again…its so weird that I was the only one that ever showed up…and then you would wake up the next day not remembering a thing?
No? Never happened to you?
Oh, me neither.
The next morning as the Jaleel White tribe is nibbling on veggies, they decide that they have, for far too long, been ignoring the “disgusting bug” piece of the food pyramid and go hunting for termites. They find a termite mound crawling with the little suckers and dig in. Then, like Mannix from heaven, they find this crazy fat termite. It looked a lot like the alien from Alien. Except instead of singing “hello my baby. Hello my honey. Hello my ragtime gal,” it made me extremely nauseous. Seriously, this thing was fat…
HOW FAT WAS IT?
It was so fat, palmetto bugs be like, “Damn…you fat!”
It was so fat, wood be walking up to its mound saying, “We surrender!!”
It was so fat, that when it sat around the mound, it sat AROUND THE MOUND.
Termite humor.
Seriously though, this thang ate a lot of wood. Like, remember in that cartoon when the termite ate through that whole chair and made the gentleman who was sitting in the chair fall on his bottom? You know the cartoon…a lot of zany things happened in it. I think even an anvil fell on someone and also someone got hit in the face with a frying pan. Wait…no, that was our family vacation to the Poconos. There really is “more to love” in the Poconos.
Back at TIMBERRRRRRa, Sierra is still feeling all kinds of cruddy about almost being voted out on Day 1. So she sets out on a quest to find the hidden immunity idol. She decides to enlist Brendan’s help with finding it. They get the clue and then start digging this massive hole. All of a sudden Debbie (??) finds them working on their hole. But that old Brendan was so smart and so slick, he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick. He told Debbie that they were building a massive fire pit for a bonfire later. And his fib fooled the old broad, so he patted her head…and he gave her a drink…and he sent her to bed. “Oh, cool” she said and she went back and told ‘em. “He’s building a fire pit so we don’t have to scold ‘em.”
And he, himself, BRENDAN, carved the roast beast.
Candace, however, was not having it…she said it didn’t sound cool. And that she wasn’t going to go. And that everyone was a bunch of squares. Then, she jumped over a pool of sharks with her motorcycle and hit a jukebox and it went on and played some Fats Domino. True story.
The next day, Candace says to Tyson that she would love to “steam, like, a big like sea bass with, like, some olive oil and fresh lime juice and wrap it up in aluminum foil and let it steam.” Tyson tells her they can find all that stuff, to which she replies, “Really?” And he of course says “No.” Oh yeah…but watch the thorns on the aluminum foil tree (Latin name Reynoldius Wrappius). Dummy. Then, Candace fought with Coach on how to cook the rice and beans. Then he licked her face as he apologized. Yep, really. Then Candace, talking to the camera, talked about how well-educated she was and she was gonna get “all up in his psyche and insecurities,” and then continued, “and all these other words which are in summation smart sounding and inhospitable.” Then she went looking for the Tupperware bush.
Then, at Jai-alai, a big reveal is made. Taj’s husband is Eddie George. You hear me? EDDIE FRIKKIN GEORGE!!! THE Eddie George. I know..its crazy right? Hm? Yeah, I don’t know either. I think he played professional soccer. Yet, no one even cares she used to sing for S-S-Double-Double-U-Double-V-V. Also, apparently, no one I know knows who SWV is. Did they not exist? Hold on, let me rummage through my pile of obscure 90’s music star CDs…Let’s see…Snow, 3rd Bass, Young Black Teenagers, Del Amitri, the Divinyls, Candyman, Tracey Bonham, Paperboy, Wreckx-N-Effect, Right Said Fred, 69 Boyz, Positive K, Skee-Lo…ahhh, there it is…Right under my All-4-One CD – SWV. See…they do so exist.
I swear. By the moon and the stars and the sky. I’ll be there.
Next up – immunity challenge and reward challenge. Are they going to be doing this every week? A combo challenge? Because, I am totally fine with that. Its always the hardest part to write about. Anyways, in this challenge, three members from each team would face off at a time. Each three member team was trying to get a ball into a hoop in the water while the other team was free to tackle them however they wanted to. And Candace’s top kept coming off. Yay! And Taj wore a bikini. Boo! I seriously have made Hulk jokes in like every season because of some big-boned girl…I need something new. Something fresh. Something…Dude, I got nothing. TAJ SMASH! TAJ ANGRY!!!!!!
So, the Jalapeno Popper tribe wins…and they win immunity, and fishing gear, and a chance to send someone to SUPER HOLY WHAT IN THE HECK Island. So they send Brendan. Then, Brendan gets a note. And the note says he can take someone with him to the Island. Since he is afraid of being attacked by bears and stampeding elephants, he takes HULK to protect him.
Sandy is psyched because she said there was a fifty percent chance of her leaving tonight if they didn’t win immunity. Right, and there is a fifty percent chance that I’m the old, fat dude from the Backstreet Boys. Hey Sandy – fifty percent? More like 100 percent!! Am I right? Right? UP TOP!!!!111 Count it.
Anyways, with the new fishing gear, Stephen and JT go off and look for some…well, some fish. And Stephen admits that JT is emerging as the leader, “He is Tom Sawyer and I am the angsty city boy.” Yet the two are finding love romance friendship in Toucansam. Cuz’ opposites attract. It ain’t fiction. Just a natural fact. They go together ‘cuz op..posites attract. He takes 2 steps forward, he takes 2 steps back. JT likes it quiet. And Stephen likes to SHOUT!!!!
So, on OH MY LORD WHAT WAS THAT????? Island, HULK and Brendan are presented with two urns. Each can choose who opens which one in which way to open it and which one is for opening by each of them. HULK chooses and comes up empty, while Brendan finds a note. He walks off to read it and it gives him a clue to where the hidden idol is and also says he can switch tribes if he wants to. “Heck no…we gonna have a bonfire later,” he said in my head. Then Moe hit him in the head with a pair of pliers.
When he walked back to HULK, HULK convinced him to tell her the clue. Or she would get angry. And he wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. The clue said it was in the “tribal homelands” which HULK translates to it being back at camp. So, now they know. And they still have all this time together on the SUPER SPOOKY ISLAND. And it was a bit awkward:
Brendan: Sooooooo…..Um. How about that immunity idol clue. That was crazy, right?
HULK: HULK BORED.
Brendan: SOoooooo….do you like…um…..stuff?
HULK: HULK WISH YOU PICK SOMEONE ELSE.
Brendan: Hey, want to play I Spy?
HULK: HULK SPY WITH BIONIC EYE SOMETHING CHAIR
Brendan: Hmmm, let’s play something else. Ever play truth or dare?
HULK: HULK PLAY
Brendan: Great. I’ll start. Truth or dare?
HULK: DARE…NO, TRUTH…NO, DARE…NO, TRUTH…YES, TRUTH
Brendan: Are you really a guy?
HULK: DARE.
Back at TIMBERRRRRa, there is some confusion as to who is getting voted out tonight. First, we thought it was Sierra. However, Candace wants to get rid of the White Power Ranger because he doesn’t “bring much to the table.” I suppose…though he hasn’t morphed yet. When he does…look out, because any villain that walks up to him and stands there…is gonna get a poorly-choreographed kick to the face. Meanwhile, Debbie tells the White Power Ranger about this and he calls Candace a cancer that needs to be taken out. Oh, White Power Ranger, you sounded like Dirty Harry just then.
So, at tribal council, Candace talks about how much she resents Sierra for the helicopter ride, the White Power Ranger says he totally trusts Brendan (who is keeping the secret of the hidden immunity idol…well, hidden), and Erinn and Debbie get into it about trust. Really. Not. Exciting. It was pretty clear Candace was getting voted out, but the big surprise was that even Erinn, who was aligning with Candace, voted her out….and she was gone. The End.
Until next time,
Wayne
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