SURVIVOR TOLKIEN EPISODE III: FISHBACH? I HARDLY KNEW HIM.

Oh, hey there. Me? Well, I am just settling in and starting to write my weekly newsletter.

This? Oh, that’s just a picture of Coach. He is on the show. I also refer to him as White Power Ranger.

Why does it look like his eyes are burned out with cigarettes? Oh, that was just an accident. See, I was smoking two cigarettes at the same time and accidentally dropped both of them at the exact same time and they both landed exactly right on his eyes.

Why is the word ‘hate’ scribbled over his face? Oh, I meant to write the word ‘Wait’ but I spelled it wrong and wrote the word ‘wate’ instead. And my H’s look like W’s. See, that’s my favorite White Lion song and, well, I just write it wherever I can because I love it so much. Wait. Wait. I never had a chance to love you. See? Awesome.

Why do I have a “To Be Killed” list? And why is Coach’s name on it? And what’s with the loaded rifle and custodian’s uniform?

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I’m sorry. You have seen too much.

End transmission.

Oh, hey guys…I, I didn’t see you come in. Ummmmm….SURVIVOR!

Alright, so the show started lastnight with the TIMBERRRRRA tribe coming back from tribal council, having unanimously voted out Candace. Erinn, understanding that her tribe was now targeting her due to her alliance with Candace, was trying to back out…”I was merely trying to see what she was all about,” she said. “I just wanted to see what she was up to because I didn’t trust her.” “I knew she was talking about all of you, but I was trying to infiltrate from the inside.” “It’s not mine. I was holding it for a friend.” “Someone must have slipped it into my bag when I wasn’t looking.” “Someone just handed it to me. I wasn’t going to smoke it.” “YOU, OK? I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU!” “THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ITS EGGS THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS ITS EGGS COOKING!!” “KEEP THOSE POT HANDLES TURNED IN.” “WAIT UNTIL ALL MY MARTIAN FRIENDS HEAR ABOUT THIS. BY ONLY EATING CANDY BARS, WE DON’T KNOW WE’VE MISSED!!!!!!!!”

What?

Seriously, my brain sometimes takes these detours…Trust me, it can get much darker.

Anyways, the White Power Ranger doesn’t trust her. And he thinks his intelligence has been challenged by her lies. And his karate skills have been challenged by Rita Repulsa’s goons. YOU. WILL. BE. DEFEATED. NOW.

Erinn sees this and has a plan – “Now I have to turn girl that maybe is kind of on the outs a little bit into something the absolute opposite of that.” Um. Right. Well Said. Erinn – the extra N is for “Nonsense.”

Jerry, meanwhile, is not feeling all that good. He’s got the tummy crummies. So, of course, everyone keeps asking him if he wants more beans. That wasn’t helpful.. It’s like this one time, a buddy of mine woke up wicked hungover after this party. He feels awful. So, we’re all sitting on the couch, right. And someone brought doughnuts. So, I go ahead and grab a Boston Kreme and a take a bite and let the cream sort of hang between my mouth and the doughnut for a little bit. Then, after I pull away, I turn to him and ask – with cream and doughnut still inside my mouth – “Hey man, you want a doughnut?” He almost didn’t make it….

‘To the soul, there is hardly anything more healing than friendship” – Thomas Moore.

Back at JoseCuervo, they’re trying to fish with the gear they just won. First, they try the net and the basic strategy is “throw the net on top of the water and hope the fish swim up to it…” It would basically be akin to a hunter standing in the middle of the woods with a knife hoping a deer comes up to him and stabs himself. Needless to say, they didn’t catch much this way. But then, Stephen went out there and caught one with the line. And first, I thought, “Hey, he’s ‘the geek’…he’s not supposed to catch fish. He’s supposed to only catch Orcs and Level 9 Elves.” But then I remembered, ‘Oh, his last name is Fishbach.’ So, I bet the fish were just coming up to him thinking he was just a long-lost relative:

Fishbach: Hey fish, it’s me…Steve Fishbach.
Freddy Fish: Holy crap…did you hear that. It’s Steve. Man, I haven’t seen that dude in years.
Farrah Fish: OMG. I totally had a crush on him in swimming school. How do my gills look?
Fishbach: Hey, come on over here…just grab onto that, erm, that fish-lifter and we can go out and grab some brews.
Freddy Fish: Oh, man. This is gonna be so killer. I am so stoked.
Farrah Fish: I am sooooooo nervous. I haven’t even shaved my fins today…That’s ok. Its not like I was gonna just give it up right away or anything.
Freddy Fish: (sarcasm) Oh right…you never give it up right away. You’re the purest fish I know (/sarcasm)
Farrah Fish: Oh, shut up. You know what? I’m young…Maybe I like to have a little fun now and then. Whatever, here’s his fish-lifter thing….let’s…OH MY GOD!!!!!111FREDDDYYYYYYY!!!!WHYYYYYYYYY??/?!!!!!!!!!1111
Fishbach: Its ok to eat fish, cuz they don’t have any feelings.


Next up was the reward challenge. THE DEVIL INCARNATE explained that each team would have one caller and the rest of them would be blindfolded. The caller would have to lead the blindfolded team around to pick up buckets and fill them with water then back to fill another bucket with water then fill a bucket with corn then back and fill another bucket with corn. Whatever. Anyways, Debbie was the caller for TIMBERRRRRRa and Joe was the caller for JarJarBinks. Debbie screamed like crazy, but her tribe didn’t know which way left was because they are teh dumb. Joe did a pretty good job calling for his tribe and they won. The end. And what did they win? Some pillows, a tarp, a hammock, yay sleep. Plus, they get to send one member of the losing tribe to OH MY CRUD island. And then he gets to pick someone else to come with him. And again, it was Brendan and HULK. Still scared of bears, I guess.

Oh, also at the end, White Power Ranger let out this yell which he later described as a “primal scream.” Anyone who screams and then says it’s a primal scream is someone you don’t ever want to be associated with. Because they probably also listen to World music (whatever that is), say “Namaste” ALL THE TIME, and steal John Cusack’s girlfriend in that movie. Although it could be good sometimes….like if you are looking for your bike, he’s probably the kind of guy that could tell you it was in the Alamo…in the basement. Can you say that? Adobe.

Back at TIMBERRRRRRRRa, White Power Ranger says that everyone should refrain from talking bad about one another and blaming each other for their loss. Then he went off with Tyson and talked bad about everybody and blamed everyone else for their loss. Oh, and he said that their relationship was like coach and assistant coach. Which I guess means he wants to shower naked together. Then, he will probably whip him with a towel. Then, they can start saying things like, “WHO’S HOUSE IS THIS????” SPORTS.

Then it rained. And Jamiroquai was all set with their new tarp and pillows and stuff while TIMBERRRRRRRa was not as prepared. White Power Ranger said he didn’t care about being comfortable, he only cared about winning. He went on, “You've got to be number one! I won't tolerate any losers in this family! You're intensity is for (expletive deleted)! Win! Win! Win!” Then he taped all of their buns together.

Seriously, this newsletter is nonstop madcap hilarity.

Back on SUPER DUPER SCARY LARRY ISLAND, Brendan and HULK found another clue about the idol. The clue said it was surrounded by wood. And this obviously opened the door for me to make a joke which could get me in trouble. But I won’t do it. Nope. Won’t. Stop it. I’m not going to do it.

Also, HULK and Brendan decide to bring Sierra and Fishbach into their alliance when they get back to their camps, so they have a secret four-person alliance once the tribes merge. It’s a good strategy…to a degree. Though, at the moment, they are two two-person alliances incapable of protecting one another. So, it could also be a bad strategy. I have no idea. What the crud do you want from me? I ain’t no rocket scientist.

At Jojotheidiotcircusboy, the entire tribe wakes up feeling bright-eyed and bushy-tailed after a good night’s sleep. Especially, Crazy Eyes Sandy, who proclaims she feels like a “sex kitten.” To which I reply – Sex kitten? More like Sex Cat-Ready-to-be-put-down. Right? Right? Is this thing on???? Hey, am I talking to an audience or an oil painting. In this country, you own cars. In Russia, car owns you. YAKOV.

Next up was the immunity challenge. In it, teams of two from each tribe have to roll these big crates back to a finish line where they are stacked in a staircase format and they run up them and YAY CELEBRATE. It was pretty close, actually and TIMBERRRRRa had a chance, but then Jerry’s tummy crummies took hold and slowed them down a bit. And they lost. And they are terrible still.

So, when they get back to camp…for some reason, Erinn is still on the chopping block, despite doing really well in the challenge. But then, TUMMY CRUMMIES. So, Jerry could be going. And at this mention, White Power Ranger notices Erinn’s smile (the extra N is for “Not Subtle”). He is none too pleased with this and tells Tyson of his displeasure, “I am so true that existing around people who smile evilly when somebody else is on their knees kills me!” He is so true. And real. What you get is what you see. And he’s just Jenny from the Block. He used to have a little, but now he has a lot.

Later, Tyson is then talking about how he is trying to decide between Jerry and Erinn. On one hand, Jerry is sick. On the other hand, Tyson loves a blindside and, according to Tyson, “I love seeing people cry when you crush their dreams.” Keeping it true, man. Funk dat.

Also, Brendan found the hidden idol at his camp. And hid it. And that’s about all I have to say about that.

At tribal council, the subject of leadership comes up. Jerry says to THE EVIL ONE that Brendan would be a good leader. To which White Power Ranger takes offense. He thinks he should be the leader. Because that’s what he does. To which Erinn says, “White Power Ranger is used to being the leader, but Brendan is probably better at it.” White Power Ranger than roundhoused her hardcore. Then he got into half-lotus position and talked about the power of Manon. Then he got punched. By me.

So, then the votes were cast. And Jerry, with his bean-intolerant insides, was cast off. So, we say goodbye to TUMMY CRUMMIES. Which is good…because that’s what happened to the Bar-ba-loots without their Truffula fruits….and they had to leave. And then the old Once-ler went ahead and kept on making his thneeds. Until the last Truffula Tree was chopped down and then…OK, I’ll stop.

Until next week,
Wayne