SURVIVOR TOKENTINI EPISODE I: PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS = MASSIVE FAIL!!!!!111

OK, Yay. Survivor has started. Let’s get on with it.

The show last night began with all of our tribe members driving in a truck through Brazil. Actually, the show first began with “Brazil. It’s cool. There’s a giant statue and hot chicks and meat on skewers. But screw that. Because this part of Brazil – Brazil Taco cheese – is all kinds of awful. And there are crazy monkeys that will rip your head off. And fires.” It went something like that. I sort of go in and out. Then came the whole truck thing.

And THE DEVIL explained, “Hey, we have pretty much stopped trying here. So, we’ve already took the liberty of splitting them into tribes. Yep, we didn’t even want to show you that. Why? How dare you question me.” So, there are two tribes – Jalapao (red) and Timbira (black). The Timbira Tribe consists of Coach, Candace, Tyson, Brendan, Debbie, Sierra, Jerry and Erinn. The Jalapao Tribe consists of Sandy, Carolina, JT, Joe, Taj, Sydney, Stephen and Spencer. But don’t bother getting to know their names because, probably by the third episode, Sydney will be “obscure reference to television show #1” and Joe will be “M.A.S.K. character” or something to that effect.

For some reason, they haven’t talked the whole drive in. Well, I suppose the reason was so that LUCIFER HIMSELF could say, “they haven’t talked, but first impressions are already forming.” He’s wicked deep, kid. So, then they would cut to some talking head shots – Sandy saying, “that kid with the glasses seems like a geek”; Tyson saying, “that chick with the black hair seems like a b*tch”; Gung Ho from GI Joe saying, “don’t judge people til you give em a chance. Look at me. People would look at my outfit and think I was a certain kind of person. They would think because of my open vest and sailor hat and mustache and tuft of chest hair that I lived a certain lifestyle. And if someone was saying things like that about me, I would walk up to them and say ‘no silly…I am not in the navy anymore, but thanks for asking.’ And knowing is half the battle. GI JOE!!!!!!”

So, then the truck stops. And MEPHISTOPHELES explains, “this truck has a bunch of supplies on it. You guys have sixty seconds to grab everything you can to help you survive.” So everyone grabbed a bunch of stuff…and when time was up, THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS surveyed their respective hauls. “Coach” states that his tribe got the food and water while the other tribe didn’t get any of that mess. Also, ‘Coach’ looks like the White Power Ranger. Power. Zord. On! Also, its crazy to me that my son likes the power rangers. Lord Zed is the leader of the bad guys and has basically no skin. . He is like this big mess of scary, bloody muscle. And he talks in a scary voice and shoots people with his laser rod thingy. Yet, he’s scared of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Kids are funny. But you know what’s not funny? Illiteracy. So, hey, pick up a book and read to your kids. Reading is fundamental. The More You Know. Captain O.G. Readmore.

Then there was this crazy holy crap moment. After telling the tribes they are going to have a 4 hour trek to their camps, THE HOLY LORD OF THE UNDERWORLD says that one person from each tribe will not be taking part in this adventure. And each tribe has to vote, right now, on who that will be. So, I was all, “NO WAY HOLY WHAT MACANOLI THAT’S TEH CRAZEE!!!!!11111” Then, of course, it turned out to be Survivor and not that cool. So, each tribe voted and Timbira voted for Sierra or “girl with striped top” and Jalapao voted for Sandy or “woman with weathered skin.” Now, remember, HADES said “taking part in this adventure.” “this adventure.” “this adventure.” “Has anyone noticed how clever I am??” Right, so those voted for would be helicoptered to camp rather than make the trek. So yay…no walking. Boo…no social interaction. Also…yay…It’s Friday. Boo…I only have like a quarter of a bottle of Jim Beam left. Darn it. Darn it straight to heck.

On the trek, there was of course confusion. “Joe, are we going the right way,” asked Taj (of SWV). “Let’s look at the compass and map,” suggested Spencer. “Remember…the compass always points north,” claimed Carolina. “Blank stare,” commented everyone. “Also, I have large breasts,” added Carolina. “Good point,” said the tribe. She really did have an excellent point there.

In another part of the remote Toucansam wilderness, the Timbira tribe is struggling. The water is getting heavy and all that. Hey, remember Oregon Trail?? Man, that was the best. It was the only game where dying was the best part. Because you could write your own epitaph. Like these gems:

“Here Lies Snotface McBooger. Metallica rulz!”
“Here Lies Wayne. Beam me up Snotty”
“Here Lies New Kids on the Block. Their lame.”
“Here Lies Fishhead. Typing class blows.”
“Here Lies Poop. Boogers Butt Toilet.”
“Here Lies Samantha Fox. I wuz hot.”

Wow, my humor has really come a long way.

You have died of dysentery.

Anyways, also on this trek, the White Power Ranger was all “I'm a university head soccer coach and the polar opposite of that is that I am the conductor and artistic director of a symphony in Northern California.” Is that really the polar opposite? A polar opposite would be “Hey, I am a teacher at a university and a student in kindergarten” or “I am a 4-star general in the US Army and a dirty smelly hippy” or “I am a hardcore East Coast rapper and I have an extensive collection of My Little Ponies.” Being a university soccer head coach and a conductor of a symphony are actually pretty close in that they both make you someone who I would have zero interest in talking to. “oooh…look at me. I conduct a symphony and I lead teams to victory.” Well, la-de-da…I watched all six Star Wars films last Saturday. And I ate two helpings of Chicken Pot Pie and like ten taquitos. Sooooo…I win.

So, when the helicoptered ones arrive at their respective camps, each find a note waiting for them. The note tells them they have a choice – they can either start building camp and try to gain back the favor of their tribe OR they can start looking for the hidden immunity idol. Sandy chooses to look for the hidden immunity idol while Sierra starts to build a camp. I don’t know…I think I would choose to build camp. Having a hidden immunity idol can save you once, but then what? Then everyone will be all, “Hey you chose to find that instead of help us…we will just vote you out next.” Also, Sandy called her tribe jalapeno. And I was going to do that. But now I can’t. Because I don’t steal from old ladies. Unless, of course, they’re sleeping. Then, they can’t put their voodoo hexes on me or steal my youth.

So, when Jalapen…I mean Jalapao…arrives at their camp, the first question asked is, “why isn’t our shelter built?” Sandy deflects, however, with a solid combination of crazy eyes, nonsensical rambling, and constantly moving old lady arm fat. Also, when they arrived, she stuck the note inside her shirt. And, ugh. I don’t know. It was just really gross, you know. Think of the children, Sandy.

At the Timbira camp, everyone was impressed with Sierra’s job of setting up camp. Everyone except the White Power Ranger, who said, “Obviously I'm pushing for the strong to survive, so I think that Sierra, even though she's awesome, she's got to go." Yeah, obviously. Then he blew his hair dry some more and put it in the cutest ponytail.

By the next morning, Jalapen…I mean Jalapao…has erected (heh) a shelter. JT, in his best Boomhauer impression says things to the effect of, “Look man I would just habbity blabbity build a dalgarn shelter man n’ mebbe make em one-a-dem corn pone grits Hank Williams Jr.” Carolina is also trying to help. And by help, I mean annoy. She has even annoyed the writer of the recaps on cbs.com. Typically, when I read through these to try and cut through last night’s whiskey haze, its pretty objective. However, whenever this dude is writing about Carolina, he is constantly saying how she whines, annoys, and is a basic idiot. He writes just like me, in other words…you know, minus the Punky Brewster references.

Meanwhile, Sandy went off to continue her search for the immunity idol. She finds her first clue buried in the sand and it tells her to walk ten paces to the lone palm tree. She then spends the next ten minutes talking about, “what’s a pace?” “A pace? I don’t know what the heck a pace is?” “WILL THE PACE GODS TELL ME WHAT A PACE IS??” She, of course, could have just been looking for the lone palm tree and worked her way from that, but Sandy = what the? Also, Pace? More like face. As in…your face is creeping me out, Sandy. I sit and wonder why-y-y. Oh why. You left me. Oh, Sandy.

At the Timbira camp, its non-stop hilarity. And by non-stop, I mean completely stopped. Tyson took off his clothes. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Then, oh my god, then he’s talking to the camera and he says if he wins the million, he’s going to buy furs and jewels and a man tiara. Then he asks, “do they make man tiaras??”

Crickets.

I guarantee Tyson thinks Dane Cook is hilarious.

Next came the immunity challenge. In it, the tribe members have to grab planks, build stairs, etc. etc. Anyways, Sandy did really well in the challenge building the stairs, but it was all for naught as the Timbira tribe pulled ahead in the whatever other part. What do you want from me? This show is AN HOUR. So, yeah, Timbira won. Who? TIMBIRA!!! Like when you chop down a tree. Get it? Well, screw you.

So, back at the Jalapen…Jalapao….camp, they were now faced with the decision to vote someone out. And, although everyone was definitely leaning towards Sandy in the beginning, her stair-building prowess has earned her some serious island cred. Carolina, meanwhile, is just ticking everyone off. She came back to camp complaining about cleaning up. To which Taj replied, “Clean up? Clean up the outdoors? That girl’s crazy.” Woodsy the Owl, however, thought Carolina had a good point and said, “If you don’t give a hoot, whoooooooo will??” In the city or in the woods, please keep America looking good. Hoo Hoo. Smokey the Bear, meanwhile, was busy mauling the Charmin toilet paper bears for leaving toilet paper all over his woods. That stuff burns like crazy. Good thing too…those commercials fully gross me out.

At tribal council, it was pretty clear who was going to get voted out. The only thing that stood out was that Sandy just keeps raising her level of old lady crazy. In the end, Carolina was voted out and, I guess, are no better or worse than you were before you started reading this…except for the whole “image of bears pooping in the woods” thing. Congrats?

Until next time,
Wayne