SURVIVOR TOGATOGATOGA EPISODE IV: THIS SEASON’S IBS

As I have with most of my newsletters this season, let me start with an apology for being late. I was busy with stuff all weekend. For example, I had a doctor’s appointment on Friday. How’d it go? Well, it turns out I’m dying…

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DYING TO TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED ON THE LAST EPISODE OF SURVIVOR!!!!

OK….he didn’t say that, but he did say I am very sick…

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SICK OF THE WHITE POWER RANGER!!!!!11111111//////

OK…he didn’t say that either, but he DID say I had high cholesterol…

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HIGH CHOLESTER-ALL OF THESE PEOPLE ARE TEH AWFUL!!!!!!

No? Erm, well…..I do have high blood sugar.

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No, I am serious. Thanks for the concern. Jerk.

Annnnnnyways.

The episode started with the TIMBERRRRRRa tribe coming back from tribal council, having just voted off Jerry. The White Power Ranger is extremely unhappy about this and immediately points to Erinn as the problem. He stated, ‘it made me think Erinn has got to go because she is the cancer of the tribe.” If you’ll recall, Candace was also referred to as “the cancer of the tribe” by the White Power Ranger. I don’t think he should just go throwing that word around like that, cuz karma don’t play. Like, for instance, I used to go around calling everyone “handsome” and “funny” and “cooler than Fonzie in early January” and now look at me. Karma man. Karma. Also, calling someone “the cancer of ______” is sooooo last year. In fact, if I were to make a “hot list” of semi-offensive call-outs, it would look like this:


IN

“This ___’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome”

FIVE MINUTES AGO

“Cancer of _____”

OUT

“______-Nazi”

You heard it here first, 2009 is the year of IBS.

Also, White Power Ranger is the “unoriginal jerkface of the tribe.”

The next day, the tribe talks about who should be leader after the whole Brendan/White Power Ranger discussion at last week’s tribal council. Of course, White Power Ranger had a strong argument – “I am the leader. OF THE GD POWER RANGERS!!!! HELLO??” Brendan’s argument, though, was equally strong – “My name kind of sounds like Punky Brewster’s dog. And one time, he totally pushed Punky out of the way of a moving car. He even risked his own life to save her. He also dressed as Indiana Jones for Halloween.” So, of course, Brendan was chosen as leader. White Power Ranger, though not totally cheesed about the decision, said, “You know if Brendan got voted off and I was the leader, I think this tribe would be better. But I don’t want to vote Brendan off because that’s my M.O. I want iron that sharpens iron.” I don’t really know what that means, but I bet if I did, there would be a really funny 80’s television reference I could make about it.

At Jamacainmecrazy, the tribe members are concerned for the welfare of HULK. HULK has been spending a lot of time on OH MAH GOD island and the others are worried if that’s taking a toll. Of course, HULK has been having a good old time with Brandon talking about hidden immunity idols and bragging about how much she can bench. Oh, and having riveting “Which do you miss more – food or steroids?” discussions. But, she is playing the part of exhausted mutant so as to win sympathy. Later, she takes Stephen aside and asks him if he wants to be part of “BIG UPSET SURVIVOR HISTORY?” Afraid for his life, he says yes.

At the reward challenge, each team meets on their respective mats and THE EVIL ONE explains the challenge. In it, three members from each tribe will have to put a bar across their backs, and in each round, 2 members from the opposite tribe can choose which pole-holder gets to take on 20 pounds of weight. Two men and one woman from each tribe are to be pole-holders and last person standing wins the ability to send two members of their tribe to the other tribe’s camp to steal some stuff. And the winning tribe gets to send someone to blah blah blah…you know the drill. The weight-bearers for TIMBERRRRa are Debbie, Brandon, and Tyson. The weight-bearers for Jemandtheholograms are Joe, JT, and (surprise, surprise) HULK.

The guys, of course, get the bulk of the weight on them first. Brandon drops out first, followed by Joe, and then JT at 220 pounds (tying a record which no one cares about.) Then, its left up to the ladies – 46 year-old woman Debbie and 37 year-old Gamma Ray byproduct HULK. Hmmm…who won? You have obviously not been paying attention.

So, yeah…Jammalammadingdong wins and they send Sierra to THE ISLAND. She chooses HULK to come with her. Again, probably for protection. Because, you know – HULK SMASH!!!

When JT and Joe head over to TIMBERRRRRa to grab some loot, Tyson is conflicted. “You want to be on good terms with them because you’re probably going to be living with them in the future, but in the back of your mind, you’re like, ‘I wanna punch these guys in the head,” he says. I have the same conflict about Tyson – I wanna punch him in the head, but at the same time…Oh, wait. No conflict. He offends both sides of my brain. Much like Gray’s Anatomy.

JT and Joe make a strategic decision to only take one bag of beans and a water can, even though there were two bags of beans. They did this thinking that if the tribes merged or switched, they wouldn’t want to be responsible for taking all the food. Sandy, however, is displeased when they return to camp. She compares it to taking guns for some reason, “It’s like you’ve got a hundred guns, let’s just take seventy-five of ‘em.” Though its not really. Because you can’t kill anyone with beans. Though my Uncle Steve sure could bring a room to their knees after a plate of ‘em. Right? Oh man. Uncle Steve. That guy had gas.

So, yeah, Sandy is not happy…she also knows that beans make you fart. Because she states that these are “fartin’ beans” about 20 times. I am pretty sure, for Sandy, that every food is the “fartin’” kind. “This is fartin’ rice,” I am sure she would say or “This is fartin’ water” or “This is fartin’ denture cream.” Old people fart is what I am trying to say. Also, Sandy sticks her tongue out a lot when she talks. And it’s gross. Much like Gray’s Anatomy.

Then Sandy says to the camera that she doesn’t like Sydney because she flirts with all the guys and is young and beautiful, while Sandy has to suck the blood of newborns to stay alive. Also, I don’t think Sydney is that beautiful. Her mouth reminds me of Leech from He-Man. And Leech was far from beautiful. Aw, don’t look at me like that Leech. We all have our strengths. Mine, for instance, is looking handsome…while yours is, I don’t know, sucking on glass? Seriously, Leech, how would that have helped you? Well, at least you can use a gun and shoo…oh, those are suction cups too, huh? Well, at least you had Rattlor who…wait a second. Let me see that tongue again Sandy. Holy crap…it’s the Evil Horde!!!! Here, on Tokenplease!!!111 I must warn He-Man…but…can’t move…I…Leech has suctioned me in place. Well, there you go Leech. Good for you.

At SUPER SPOOKY KOOKY CRAZY ISLAND, HULK selects the urn with the clue and finds out that the idol is definitely located at treemail. She then talks to Sierra about her alliance with Brandon. Sierra says she didn’t know anything about it and that she got goosebumps when HULK was talking about it. She then said she “started at the bottom…then worked her way to the middle…then to the top, baby.” Be careful up there Sierra. I once heard a story told about a young man who did the same – started in the mailroom and then tricked his way into an office under the name of Carlton Whitfield all so he could date Helen Slater. Then he slept with a woman who ended up being his uncle’s wife. Then he built a time machine with Christopher Lloyd and travelled to the future where he was a basketball-playing werewolf. It’s true. Its all in my Wildlife Treasury.

A platypus has feet like a duck but is furry.

Back at the other camp, Tyson cannot tell a joke so he takes off his clothes to be funny…again. And he put on a loincloth. And he jumped around saying “Booga Booga.” And the White Power Ranger and Debbie thought this was high-larious. I, on the other hand, found it contrived and lacking any entertainment factor whatsoever. Much like Gray’s Anatomy.

The immunity challenge was a puzzle challenge. Yay, puzzles!!! Hey, Burnett, if I wanted to watch people sit around doing puzzles all day, I’d keep up with my court-ordered community service at the old folks’ home. Anyways, TIMBERRRRa won. For once…meaning Jai-alai has to go to tribal council.

So back at camp, most are thinking to vote out Raptor because she is annoying and farts and is PART OF THE EVIL HORDE. HULK, however, defends her because she, too, knows its not easy being green.

At tribal, Sandy’s “good looks” are brought up and she admits to using them to attach herself to glass get what she wants. She says she has a flirtatious personality. Then, she says that people think that because she is beautiful she has nothing to say, but she “um….well….um….hmmm.” Seriously, she said that and then she had nothing to say. In the end, however, Sandy was voted out and we say goodbye to old lady farts. So, we got that going for us. Which is nice.

Until next time,
Wayne