SURVIVOR TOOKANDBRANDYBUCK EPISODE V: YOU’RE ALL DUHM’ED

I’ll be honest…this week’s episode was actually pretty entertaining. The challenges ended up being pretty good – comical and injuring, and I was actually not sure who was going home as we headed into tribal council. I may even say this was my favorite episode of the season. But, you know, that’s like saying Jaoquin has done the least amount of drugs in the the Phoenix family. But, whatever, take what you can get, Survivor.

The show started with Stephen, the lovable nerd, rubbing HULK’s back. Or maybe he was just itching it. Honestly, it was just too painful to watch, so I switched over to QVC for those few seconds. And I found the most darling set of commemorative plates. Seriously. It was a set of plates chronicling every single time an actor in an ABC TGIF show played the cousin of the character they normally played. Highlights included the Perfect Strangers episode with Balki’s cousin Bartok (also played by Bronson Pinchot) and the Full House episode with Uncle Jesse’s cousin Stavros (also played by John Stamos) and the Family Matters episode with Urkel’s cousin Myrtle (also played by Jaleel White) and the Family Matters episode with Urkel’s cousin Cornelius Euegene Urkel (yep, also played by Jaleel White). Hey, remember the Urkel?? Remember the 90’s? Remember Zima?

Anyways, I tuned back in just in time to hear HULK moaning in pleasure as Gilbert ran his nerd-digits all over her radioactive backside. “I have never pleasured a woman like this,” Gilbert answered. But when she dropped her dress, it was a big ol’ mess. Sheena was a man. We got Spuds Mackenzie. Alex from Stroh’s.

Then they went off and found the hidden idol. Then HULK told Gilbert her computer was broken. Then he hit a bunch of buttons and this animated sequence started on her computer. It drew a picture of HULK and then it drew a picture of Gilbert. Then, computer Gilbert reached out his hand and computer HULK took it and then they danced on the screen. It was completely realistic and in now way even had me, at like 8 years old, saying “WHAT IN THE HELL??” Then Booger smoked drugs and they looked at naked sorority girls on hidden cameras. Did I mention I was like 8? Oh, and then HULK was totally impressed so she gave Gilbert the immunity idol.

Seriously, did I just waste three paragraphs on like one scene? Wow.

Well, nothing really exciting happened after that until the challenge, so we can just skip ahead to save time. Sound like a good idea? Hello? I SAID DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A GOOD IDEA? Whatever. Next time you start talking about TGIF nights on ABC and then transition into Funky Cold Medina and seque into Revenge of the Nerds, I’m not gonna listen to…Actually, I don’t blame you one bit.

So, yeah, the reward challenge. This challenge was wicked cool. Basically, each round, one tribe member from each tribe would be seated on this spinning reel-type platform, while another tribe member pulls a string attached to said platform and runs, making the platform spin like a top or some other spinning toy from a bygone day when children woke on Christmas mornings to jacks and oranges in their stockings and polio. Or whatever some crap. Look, man…I don’t care what you say. Ain’t no way a frakkin’ wooden car and some ribbon candy is better than Guitar Hero. Although kids did used to get a lot of weapons back then as presents…so maybe it’s a wash. Actually, growing up in the 80’s was probably THE BEST time to get presents. We were just starting to get cool stuff like Ataris and Pogo Balls and Alphies, but we also were just coming out of that whole weapons-as-presents thing. So, right next to that brand new Watchman, it wasn’t all that uncommon to find a nice new set of shiny lawn darts. Luckiest kid ever? Yeah, pretty much.

Where the heck was I? Oh, the challenge. So, yeah, it was cool. Everyone was stumbling all over the place and looked like they were gonna vomit. I mean, its like that every Thursday when I watch this show, but at least this time it wasn’t just me and my wife. (rimshot). Get it? Because we like to drink. And drinking makes you dizzy sometimes and can also induce nausea. And on this show, people were acting that way from spinning. Ergo, if we were drinking and feeling dizzy on other nights, it was from drinking. Now, these people were feeling dizzy because of this reward challenge. Therefore, we were all feeling dizzy and thus…oh forget it. Hey, remember TV shows??//

Then, after spinning, the tribe member had to walk across a balance beam. Probably the best spinner was Sierra. When she got off, she looked like she had just seen that rare all-nude episode of the View where a vacationing Elisabeth Hasselbeck was replaced by Rue Mclanahan. All disoriented and pale and crummy tummied. In the end, Jai-Alai won.

What did they win? Wow. I…I don’t even know how to put this. They won a trip to the Charmin café. What happens at the Charmin café? Well, they go and drink strong coffee…and eat bran muffins…and they have access to a working toilet and all the Charmin they need. So, um. Yeah. They won the chance to…Well, they were encouraged to….Ummmm….They could, after they eat, adjourn to the, well what I am trying to say is they could dispose of they could eat and then excuse themselves to well you know drop the kids off at the you know number ummmmm god. Forget it. I will say, however…no Mr. Whipple. I know. I was disappointed too. What? He’s dead? But…he said he would always come back for me. Mom said he just stepped out to buy cigarettes and...I can’t believe this. Mi papa.

Also, the winning tribe could choose one person to go to SCARY AS SCARY CAN BE ISLAND. They choose Brandon. Brandon chooses…Gilbert? HULK HAPPY. But wait, there are glances exchanged between White Power Ranger and Tyson. And not the normal glances they share with each other. This one had zero sexual tension. What could that mean???

At the Charmin café, the “winners” also received letters from home. Aw. And of course, everyone cried. And JT’s Mom said she loved him, which I guess she has only said twice before. So, he decides to say this on national TV. Hey JT, I wouldn’t be expecting any more “I love you”s for a while. And poor Gilbert, being stuck on DID YOU JUST HEAR THAT? ISLAND, missed out on getting his letter. Its too bad too because it was an update from all the other Tri-Lams. Turns out that Luis and Gilbert’s robot thing went haywire and terrorized the gym at Adams, leaving Coach Harris and the rest of the team in bad condition. Also, Takashi has gone through several bouts of rehab due to the drinking problem he picked up at school. He sends his thanks. But Ogre? Ogre topped them all. A Navy flier, he shot down three planes. Two of them as they were about to crash into a transport full of soldiers. You see Gilbert…you really had a wonderful life.

Back at TIMBERRRRRRa, that awkward glance between White Power Ranger and Tyson is explained – “Guys, I think Brendan’s trying to build relations with the other tribe. He’s got to go next,” says Tyson. How he knew this, I have no idea. This really has me thinking some Shenanigans are afoot. Glory be and Erin Go Bragh. I mean, these fools can’t have figured this out on their own…and no way both White Power Ranger and Tyson figured it out…at the same time…and gave each other knowing looks. This is fishier than when they replaced Rick Marshall with “Uncle” Jack Marshall on Land of the Lost. I mean, fine…so Rick is transported accidentally back to Earth after using one of the pylons…but coincidentally, Jack also stumbles upon Will and Holly at the exact same time? I mean, right? Don’t tell me none of you have wondered about this same exact thing before. No…you have problems in your head.

Nothing too exciting happened on I’LL BE RIGHT BACK ISLAND. Just a mild-mannered nerd and a dog from Punky Brewster…becoming friends and proving that even two from such different walks of life can become best buds. When you’re the best of friends…having so much fun together…you’re not even aware you’re such a funny pair…you’re the best of friends. They say you’re both being fools. You’re breaking all the rules. They can’t understand. The magic of your wonderland.

Back at Jambalaya, Spencer and Sydney were talking and Sydney was talking about some crazy dream she had about her fiancé. It was a lot like a recurring I have, except replace fiancé with rabid dog and replace every other element with mind-numbing terror and uncontrollable bloodshed. I never realized how alike Sydney and I are.

Anywho, Sydney says the dream made her realize she loves her fiancé. And Spencer was like, “yeah, I dig girls man…and girls are cool with their various parts and such.” It was totally believable…then Spencer reveals that he is gay, but he’s not going to tell anyone. It’s just our little secret. It’ll be great to see how this all plays out for the rest of the season…FORESHADOWING.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. In it, each tribe would pick two launchers who would launch balls into the air with this elastic thingy while other members of their tribe would wait out in the water and catch the balls with nets. And you could tackle people. JT was doing well, until he fell. AND LOST A TOOTH. Then he picked up the tooth and threw it away. Then MEPHISTOPHELES was like, “let’s find that tooth…” and they found it. But what is he going to do with it? Seriously, is THE PROBST an idiot? Does he think they can just glue it back together like the statue in Goonies? Even then, they put it back on upside-down. That’s my mom’s favorite piece. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t.

In the end, TIMBERRRRA won. And JT was really super upset at Spencer for being awful at things. I don’t know though…HULK, in my opinion, did much worse. And then, she totally hulked-out in the water later and just started yelling at Joe for some crud. And Joe was like, “wha? huh?” and HULK was like, “YOU NO UP FRONT WITH ME YOU NOT EVER ALIGN WITH ME YOU MAKE HULK ANGRRRRY!” You know what I never understood? Why was She-Hulk always so much more articulate than Hulk? She was also always trying to hook up. I never really wondered about that part so much as I always just thought it was awesome.

At tribal council, HULK explains that her outburst was due to her being hot. I guess this was an acceptable answer because no one really questioned that. Their silence was deafening. So, it seemed to be between HULK and Spencer. Then Joe said HULK has not once said she does not have the hidden immunity idol and she admitted that she didn’t and Joe said, “OK, I believe you.” Then he jumped in the line and rocked his body in time. In the end, Spencer received the most votes, which stinks because I just realized his last name, Duhm, is pronounced “DOOM.” I feel like I really could have done something with that. Seriously, it would have been cool. I could have made him Judge Doom from Roger Rabbit or Doctor Doom…either way had a wealth of possibilities. Damn you Spencer and your awfulness at challenges.

Until next time,
Wayne