Hey all, I don’t have much time because the government is after me. What’d I do? Well, you know Well, I lost my temper and I took a knife and I uh-. Do you know those "Do Not Remove Under the Penalty of Law" labels they put on mattresses? Well, I cut one of ‘em off! Yeah, I got a real bad temper.
I always thought that was the dumbest law.
So, the show started with Jallygolightly coming back to camp after voting out Sydney, feeling just plan old down in the dumps. HULK says, “WE JUST JALA, WE LOSE PAO.” I am not really sure what that means, but at least she is trying. Which is more than I can say for the guy who wrote Rhett’s rap in Teen Witch:
I’m king
And they know it
When I snap my fingers,
Everybody says, “Show it!”
I’m hot
And you’re not
But if you wanna hang with me
I’ll give it one shot
Top that, top that
You can give all that you can, but you’ll never top that
You can dream until you’re blue, but you can never top that
Also, imagine this sung, on the street, by someone in a multi-colored button down with a bright blue tank top, pegged jeans up to his knees, and white high tops. Then imagine me, little Wayne, thinking that this was something to aspire to. Now, you understand why we are where we are, right now.
Over at the TIMBERRRRRRa camp, White Power Ranger is practicing his karate moves in the water. Actually, its Tai Chi. Though its really not, I don’t think. He is just sort of moving his arms around and doing a poor imitation of the Heisman trophy. It was really just a big ball of awful, much like most everything the White Power Ranger does. Well, except for fighting Z-Putty Patrollers. He excels at that. Though who wouldn’t? They sort of just stand there and wiggle their arms around just waiting for a roundhouse to the face. I. Will. Defeat. You. Now!
Brandon noticed it as well. “Do you see White Power Ranger out there,” he mused to everyone else. And that was all he said. He is quite good at observing things and smiling, like he plans on telling a joke. But then he sort of just leaves it open for you to come up with your own punchline. I imagined him saying, “Is he practicing Tae Kwon Dope??”
It did seem to be a turning point for White Power Ranger, though. He then went around massaging the shoulders of his tribemates. So, cool…he went from total ass to total creep. It’s an improvement, I guess. A small one, but an improvement nonetheless. Like when Scott shot himself on 90210. It was like, “Hey, he really wasn’t on it all that much…but now David can finally hang out with the ‘cool group’ without any guilt.” And this leads, of course, to David climbing the social ladder, wearing heavily patterned 90’s-wear, trying his hand at music with “The Commotions,” getting hooked on drugs, running the Peach Pit After Dark, having sex with Kelly Kapowski, and marrying Donna and her chest valley. Actually, hmmmmm. That was a bigger improvement than I had expected. It’s a good thing Scott’s Dad was so careless with his firearms. Lesson learned.
Back at JalahavingtroublecomingupwithmorenamesIreallyhopethemergehappenssoon, its UH-OH JOE!!! His knee infection is getting super gross. Its making his knee all swelled up. And when I say “swell,” I don’t mean it in a “gee, that’s swell” kind of way. Just to be sure. It basically looks like what I would imagine Arulanantham Suresh Joachim’s leg to look like. Hahaha, I know. What a hilarious observation, right? Huh? What do you mean you don’t know who he is? Ummmm…does the Vihara Maha Devi Park Open Air Stadium ring any bells? I thought so. I know. 76 hours, 40 minutes. It’s crazy.
Oh, just google it, for chrissakes.
Then treemail arrives and everyone assumes it’s a merge. Because it says there will be a feast and some other crap. But who know….it may not be. This game is always throwing us for a loop. Plus, it showed merge in the previews which probably means there will be a huge twist and the tribe members will probably oh never mind it’s a merge after all.
They tribe members meet in the middle of the woods where they are instructed to swap their buffs and come up with a new name. Gilbert suggests something like Dingus which I think was supposed to mean something in Portugese. Of course, the tribe laughed him off, leaving him to put away the rest of his list, mumbling something like, “Man, this is just like gym class. Glayvin!” I, however, obtained the exclusive rights to said list and will post them here, for your perusal:
1. Dingus
2. The Robots
3. Tron
4. The Depths of Mordor
5. Seven of Nine
6. The Knights Who Say, ‘Neep!’
7. Gryffindor
8. Dr. Zaius
9. Queensryche
10. Mr. Mxyzptlk
White Power Ranger quickly stepped up with the name, “Forza”, which means strength in Portugese. Although it doesn’t. I am sure he meant Força. Which also doesn’t mean strength, but actually means, basically, “kick ass” and is also the name of a song by Nelly Furtado. Forza, however, is a magazine for Ferrari owners and enthusiasts. I guess that makes sense. I would probably enjoy beating both Ferarri owners and members of the Forza tribe. For different reasons of course. One group out of jealousy and one out of pure, unbridled hatred. Try and guess which is which. Also, I love that song by Nelly Furtado about “Grillz.”
So, yeah…they merge. And eat. And then Sierra asks why they voted out Sydney. And all of a sudden, everyone is like, “OMG, I can’t believe she asked that!” I didn’t really understand the uproar. It seemed a perfectly valid question. Gilbert, however, was taken aback, “You do need to be discreet about how much information you give out. These are your future competitors. You can’t just be giving out your entire tribe dynamic.” Then, Sierra watched as everyone took turns giving him wedgies and stuffing him into lockers. It’s a good thing no one from TIMBERRRRa can see how he fits into the tribe. Dingus.
When the newly formed Forza tribe arrives at the old TIMBERRRa camp, the Jalapeno four are surprised to see the cruddy Eeyore-like lean-to they have been living in. JT takes charge and they begin constructing new living quarters. Then, the existing TIMBERRRa members ask if they want to go for a walk to explore camp. Gilbert comments on this, saying that the TIMBERRRa members are pretty bossy. He’s right. The nerve of them wanting to show them around…right in the middle of them DECONSTRUCTING THEIR ENTIRE CAMP.
JT and White Power Ranger go off to do a little male bonding and catch some fish. White Power Ranger, not content with doing anything like a normal person, calls it “the art of the cast” instead of fishing. When JT asks White Power Ranger if he’s ever fished, he answers, “No, but I would be really excited to learn!” No, of course he doesn’t say that. Instead, he says, “Yes, but only fly fishing…which is a much harder way to fish.” Seriously, everything this guy says annoys the crap out of me. Is it just me that feels this way? Eh, probably…since no one else watches this godforsaken show.
Then, White Power Ranger says he and JT are kindred spirits because they are both “warriors.” They are both shootin’ at the walls of heartache. Bang! Bang! Then, JT tells White Power Ranger that Brandon probably has the hidden immunity idol and that could be dangerous. This sets in motion one of the crazier domino effects I have seen in a while. I will get to it shortly. For now, it has White Power Ranger declaring some sort of vendetta against Brandon, “If you flat out lied to me, you better be prepared to go to war!” I am not 100% on what he lied about. The hidden immunity idol? What? Why? Huh? But it did get me thinking how great it would be to go to war with White Power Ranger. Like, if I had a rocket launcher and I could aim it right at his face. And then…and then he would be on his knees begging for his life and I would be all…oh, sorry. Sorry. I got carried away there.
Later, White Power Ranger goes to Tyson and Gilbert and brings them into his alliance with JT, focusing still his sights on Brandon. “Brendan is the head of the dragon and in order to defeat the army, you cut off the head of the dragon.” He then continued, “He who goes to bed with itchy bum wake up with stinky finger.” He is extremely deep. What army has a dragon’s head? Does he mean an army of dragons? How has he not been punched yet?
Anyways, as I said, this set off this weird domino effect, where all of a sudden Brandon was regarded as the sneakiest bastard ever on Survivor. Tyson started to scramble and make plans to oust Brandon, while saying “He just seems like a sneaky bastard. I can’t look him in the eye and believe a word he says.” Then he started talking about how he can get Brandon to believe anything he says. Erm. Also, I am still not sure of what Brandon did that was so sneaky, but he is officially the Dr. Claw of Forza. Unfortunately for them, none of them are even close to Brain or Penny, so White Power Ranger’s Inspector Gadget-like ineptitude and overconfidence will probably end up being his downfall. How’s that for deep?
Tyson then brings Debbie (who?) into their alliance, making it five. He then says that Brandon is like “putty in his hands” and he can mold him however he wants. Because Brandon is sneaky. Sneaky putty. Honestly, this stuff sometimes writes itself.
Erinn and Gimpy Joe then go searching for the hidden immunity idol based on the clues they received at THERE’S SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE ISLAND. Of course, the idol isn’t there, and Erinn makes a plan to vote out Brandon and Sierra since they probably have the idol. Just because you say something out loud doesn’t mean its going to happen, Erinn. The extra “n” is for “not thinking clearly.”
Next up was the immunity challenge. And its an endurance one where the tribe members have to try and hold onto a pole as long as they can without falling off. Before the challenge starts though, LUCIFER HIMSELF tells Gimpy Joe his leg does not look too good. Then he has him climb to the top of a pole and hold on. Because he is the devil, you see. Then, they all climbed up and most of them fell except for one. And that one was Tyson. It was incredibly exciting.
After the challenge was over, MEPHISTOPHELES told Gimpy Joe to stay after class. Because he was a bad boy. I mean, because his leg looked bad and needed medical attention. The doctor said something about the leg not looking good and the infection being too close to the bone and the risk of death, but I don’t really remember. I think the doctor was Australian and I don’t know…I can’t really take anything said in that accent too seriously. I apologize to all the Australians out there, but your accent is really only usable for telling me that “that’s not a knife,” or singing about hot potatoes, or warning me to look out for crocs, or saying, “Charlie”…or maybe, just maybe telling me that Foster’s is Australian for beer. Other than that, I don’t know. It just doesn’t work. Wait, one more…it also works if its being used by a bunch of BMX-riding teens on the run from crooks after discovering their walkie-talkies.
Back at Forza, Erinn is suggesting they vote out JT because he seems like a bigger threat than Gimpy Joe and his bum knee. Tyson says he will do just that and then says to the camera that it was all a ruse. A cunning attempt to try to trick her. He said that, “In my alliance now, Stephen and JT have replaced Brendan and Sierra. As the old adage goes, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” So, is he saying that Stephen and JT are his enemies? Or his friends? I am so confused. Also, I can see why he has such a problem with Brandon. Its obvious that Tyson lives by a strict moral code none of us can even imagine. He’s like a disgustingly skinny, blonde Santa Claus. Eat, Tyson! Eat!
Now, Gilbert and Tyson realize that if Brandon plays his idol, they could be screwed and seeing JT go home. Therefore, they decide to split their votes between Brandon and Sierra so that their votes will not count. Tyson even counted on his fingers, so you know it’s a good plan. And then they tell White Power Ranger the plan, and he agrees. Then he said he is brilliant! Because he agreed with someone else’s idea, I guess.
However, DON’T FORGET ABOUT JOE!!!
THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY then shows up and, like the demon spawn of hell is known to do, throws a big ol’ monkey wrench in the plans. He informs them that Joe is being helicoptered to a nearby hospital to get his leg treated. And he will, therefore, not be playing the game anymore. This negates the need for a tribal council and prompts White Power Ranger to say, “The dragon slayer has to wait another day to taste blood.” How great is the day going to be when he is voted off…Wow, do I hate this guy?
Joe, meanwhile, is choosing to keep his leg rather than win a million dollars. Stupid. With a million dollars, he could buy 8 legs. And be a crazy, octopus man. And then he could walk down the street, talk on the phone, and still have enough limbs leftover to carry four churros and a large Mountan Dew Code Red. Obviously, Joe has not properly prioritized his life goals.
Until next time,
Wayne
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