WHITE.POWER.RANGER.
O
M
G
!!!
The show started with the tribe hanging out at the fire…feeling all bummed out about Gimpy Joe and his Gimpy Knee having to be airlifted to
“I could tell you guys a hundred stories…I want you guys to know that there are three people in the world that know this story. I was airlifted in. I had a military helicopter drop, actually drop me off…a couple of feet from the ground, up in the Peruvian border, where the Amazon supposedly starts. And it was real rapidy. I had an eighteen-foot kayak. I was paddling early one morning and I just felt like, “I;m being watched.” I look over and I think I see some indigenous people that are sitting there creeping through the bush. At first I counted six or seven of them. They were probably four, four and a half feet tall. And they’ve got their bow and arrows. They’ve got their bow and arrows drawn. They jerk me out of the kayak. They tie me up. They tie my hands behind my back. They tie my feet, they drag me into this hut. They tie me to this stake and they take turns beating me with a club. I don’t know how long it lasted, sometimes I blacked out. Sometimes I just went to a faraway place. I knew they were about ready to kill me. I finally wore through that rope and I slipped out the back. I got into my kayak, put it in the water and I paddled like hell. I paddled so hard that my hands started bleeding. I just can’t describe the feeling of being stalked by another human being.”
…
And that was the reaction. Silence. You could tell no one knew what to say….Then he continued, “And then there were these two cop cars. And they were chasing this four-wheel deal, this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!” And then Gilbert was like, “More amazing than the time Michael Jackson came over to use your bathroom?” And Brandon chimed in, “More amazing than the time you saved those old people from that nursing home fire, right?” And Erinn took up the cause with, “Yeah, and I bet it was even more amazing than the time you ate your weight in Godfather’s Pizza.”
So White Power Ranger answered back with a confident tone, “Okay, Brand, Michael Jackson didn’t come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.”
Then he did the Truffle Shuffle and RUTH. BABY. RUTH.
Good enough. For you. It’s good enough. For me. It’s good. It’s good enough.
Also, isn’t it great that it worked out that there was a Brandon in the movie and a Brandon in show? Life imitating art, right? Reminds me of last week when I walked into Foxwoods and saw this table full of dogs…playing poker. It was pretty awesome. Until I went up and patted one on the head and told him if he rolled over, I would give him a treat. He beat the hell out of me. Turns out they weren’t dogs. They were actually degenerate gamblers. I promise that’s the last time I combine mushrooms and Percocet at the casino. Had my fingers crossed!!
And why did Chunk address Brandon when he clarified his Michael Jackson story? It was actually Mikey who was questioning it. I am going to write a letter about this…”Dear Samwise Gamgee, why did Chunk not address you when he was clearing up his Michael Jackson bathroom story. Also, were you a Hobbit then too? Or did you become one afterwards? Do all Hobbits have asthma? And I would like to know how you managed to play football for Notre Dame with asthma and in the 1970’s? It must have been cool when you went camping with that guy from Footloose. The end.” I hope he replies…and with more than a restraining order like that stupid Indiana Jones when I asked him if when he lost his memory that one time if he still remembered flying spaceships and talking to Wookies.
So, anyways, of course no one believes White Power Ranger. Even though he is White Power Ranger. I believe him. I did talk to him about it, and he said most of the story is true. Except for the part about him being captured. And the part about it being in the Amazon. Well, really, what happened is he threw up on Disney World’s Jungle Cruise ride. So, pretty much, he was telling the truth.
Can you believe almost 1000 words and we are only five minutes into the show?
The next morning comes. And if you thought White Power Ranger was done being AWESOME, you are sadly mistaken. Of course, he was out there doing his Tae Kwon Dope (yep, I am keeping it up) and when he got back to camp, explained it further. According to him, it’s actually not Tai-Chi, but it is actually called “Chong Ran.” Of course, if you Google it, you won’t find it because its “only passed down verbally. You have to go there to the monastery to study it,” Of course you do. I am sure its not totally made up. Also, this whole “American Revolution” thing. I am sure that’s, like totally true. Look man, don’t believe a word of it. What really happened is that, in America, this guy, America Americo, came over from Indonesia on these three ships – The Ninko, The Pinata, and the Santa Claus – and he sat on this rock. And when he was on this rock, he shot a turkey and ate it with a Native American. Then, he planted all these apple seeds and Americans grew from them. Then, President Nixon was an alien. I learned a lot from my Uncle Dewey….like how to drink paint thinner without dying. He was a smart man. Who died young. But NOT from drinking paint thinner. Stupid lying doctors.
Sierra told White Power Ranger he looked “hilarious out there.” Of course, White Power Ranger couldn’t take this lying down because he is the self-appointed Dragon Slayer. He said to the camera, “You know if you look at it, to defeat an army, you have to cut the head off the dragon, which is why I nicknamed Brandon ‘The Dragon’…hence my name, ‘The Dragon Slayer.’ Sierra is the bowel movements that come out of the dragon. After Brandon, Sierra’s gotta go.” Couple of points – (A) Again with the dragon armies? And (B) a couple of weeks ago, with White Power Ranger calling everyone “cancer” I did suggest he start calling people “Irritable Bowel Syndrome” because 2009 was the “Year of IBS” He seems to have misread my advice a little bit, but I am glad he is listening.
Did I just put in a pop-culture reference to my own newsletter about pop-culture references? I am so meta.
Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribe was split into teams of three that were to break these tiles of the other two smaller teams with these metal balls. If all your tiles are broken, you are out. Last three-person team standing wins. And they win a white water rafting trip to a beach where they can eat brownies and sandwiches. Look, I love white water rafting but after not eating for a long time and being tired, I don’t know how much of a “prize” that would be. It’d be like if the prize for winning the Boston Marathon was a climb up Mount Everest. Or if your prize for winning my Survivor pool was being “Clockwork Orange-ed” into watching back-to-back episodes of Punky Brewster, Saved by the Bell, and 90210 followed by looped showings of Karate Kid, Teen Wolf, and every Wrestlemania of the 80’s. Or maybe its nothing like that. What do you want from me? Its not like I get paid to write these things.
So, the team that won was JT, Brandon, and Debra (who??) They also got to send someone to I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!!! ISLAND. They chose Gilbert. Probably because of his performance in the challenge where every one of his throws didn’t go more than 2 feet. Hey did you know – nerds can’t play sports. Look at Lucas. Sure, he got a nice slow-clap at the end, but he got killed out there. Nerds should only play Chess and Dungeons & Dragons. Leave the sports to us real jocks. Right, guys? Guys? Oh, those jokers…they’re always leaving me and going off to have sex. Its cool though…because when they get too drunk to drive or need someone to cheat off in chem class, they’ll let me know. We’re best friends.
Also, when Gilbert was leaving to go to DON’T FALL ASLEEP ISLAND, White Power Ranger was like, “Be the Wizard.” I…I don’t know. But, hey remember The Wizard with Fred Savage? I do…I remember after that movie, I needed two things – I needed a power glove and I needed Super Mario Brothers 3. I would spend hours upon hours playing that game…wearing raccoon suits and frog suits and…oh, hold on, that’s my cell. Oh, I gotta get going soon. I need to go get the money I was saving up for a telescope so I can bail the captain of the football team out of jail for busting up mailboxes. I love my friends.
So, stranded on ZOINKS!!! ISLAND, Gilbert is scared because he doesn’t know how to make fire. But then he does. And he says it’s the happiest moment of his life. Even better than the time he kissed a girl. Which hasn’t happened yet. Because he is nerd.
On the whitewater rafting trip, I don’t know. Brandon and JT fell in love, I guess. Brandon says he wants to bring JT to the finals because he is such a good guy and deserves it. “If he wins it, it’s like me winning it.” Except, you know, without the million dollars and the fame and sense of victory and all that. So, yeah, its pretty much the same. Dolt.
Then, the next morning, Brandon approaches Sierra. She starts in with, “OK, so we vote off JT and then what?” Then Brandon was like, “Oh, I think we should keep JT because he is awesome and I think he is cool and I love him and want to have his baby and just back up a little bit and forget everything I said after ‘I think he is cool.’” Sierra then says that JT is like “the greatest person she has ever met” or something like that. In Sierra’s defense, she has only actually met like three other people before coming here. Two of them were Eliot Spitzer and Damien, the kid from The Omen. The third was Mayim Blalik of TV’s Blossom. I won’t get into details, but suffice to say, the “greatest person Sierra has ever met” competition wasn’t all that fierce.
The immunity challenge involved the tribe members being attached to ropes that wove around these structures in complicated ways. Extremely exciting. There was two rounds. The top three from the first round made it to the second round. And the winner of the second round won immunity. Tyson, Brandon, and JT made it to the second round while HULK, Gilbert, and White Power Ranger struggled lots. Surprise, surprise. Those three are the worst everything, except for being easily nicknamed by me. At that, they excel. In the second round, it really came down to Brandon and Tyson. Tyson won, proving once more that there is no God.
After immunity, Tyson reinforces his plan from last week that they split the votes between Sierra and Brandon, who they are still saying is, I don’t know, a sneaky dragon? Whatever, I get it. White Power Ranger likes dragons and wizards. I bet he drives a van.
Also, on the beach, JT and Gilbert discuss White Power Ranger’s Amazon story. They, of course, don’t believe it. JT goes on, “I’d go back with a damn thirty-thirty Winchester and see what them bows do then” and Gilbert just sort of laughed it off. But I found that a telling statement. I mean, could there have been a more out-of-place thing to say? Like, hey, I don’t believe it…but also, I am manly. Gilbert, meanwhile, said that if it were him he would use his Level 9 Wizard wand and send those natives back to Minas Tirith. Did I mention he is nerd?
Now, just when I think White Power Ranger couldn’t get any awesomer, along comes tribal council. Of course, his story comes up yet again and BEELZEBUB says that it seemed like some weren’t believing ol’ WPR. So, of course, White Power Ranger says he doesn’t care and says that he has been through like six or seven life-and-death situations – a hurricane, shark attacks, etc. Wow. Who does he think he is? Chuck Norris? Oh…he does? He thinks he’s Chuck Norris? Well, carry on then.
He also said that he gave the tribe members the toned-down version of the story, “Usually when I tell these stories, I try to give the PG-13 version of it.” The next part he told was bleeped-out, but I think he said that they tried to eat his, um….erm…his….Can I even say it? Pooper. There. I said it. Its been a pleasure working with you all…
But yeah, that’s what he claims they did…though I don’t know how they would have tried and not succeeded. They must have tried it and then thought better of it. Or maybe it was a dare. Or maybe I should stop talking about it because my brain is starting to shut down due to me implanting the image in there and when my brain shuts down I lose the ability to make coherent traffic light duckbill chapstick Spongebob.
Then, THE DEVIL asked if anyone had the immunity idol. Everyone said no, except Brandon who said, “yes.” Whatever. Everyone knew. Then, after the votes were cast, it was asked if anyone wanted to use the hidden idol. Brandon didn’t. And was voted out. Good move, Brandon. And by “good” I mean “bad” because I am clever. The end.
Until next time,
Wayne
No comments:
Post a Comment