SURVIVOR TOKENPLEASE EPISODE VI: HI, I’M JULIA CHILD AND BAM NINJA KICK WHITE POWER RANGER COOKS

So, I know it’s been two weeks since we last talked, but I…What? The show hasn’t been on. I’ve been busy. I know I should have called, but you know how things go. No, of course not. I still think you’re a super person. I just needed some space. C’mon. Don’t be like that. Hey, remember how you laughed when I did that whole paragraph about Michael J. Fox movies? We’ve had some good times. The NCAA tournament meant nothing to me. What we have...what we have is real. There you go. That’s the smile I love. Hello my friend, hello. It’s good to need you so.

So I resisted the “temptation” to watch the “highly anticipated” ER series finale on Thursday so I could watch Survivor. And by highly anticipated, I mean lowly anticipated. Seriously, the last time I watched ER, I think I had just found out about this new type of technology called “mp3” that let me download music right onto my computer. And I used that newfangled technology to download Sisqo’s Thong Song onto my Super Mario-skinned Winamp player. It was a long time ago is what I am saying to you now. Now, when the Eliot Gould E/R ended, that was a dark day. “Stay in back of the white line!!!”, right? God, that was a good show. Little bit of trivia for you here – Did you know that George Clooney’s first television role was “Ace” on E/R long before his much more successful stint as Dr. Ross on the “slashless” ER. Another bit of trivia for you – Did you know that ER stands for Emergency Room? The More You Know.

Oh right. Survivor. So, the show essentially started with Sydney being concerned for her safety on the show because she isn’t really good at anything and she doesn’t really have any friends. So, essentially, Sydney is like the Bizarro Me. Never fear, though, because Joe thinks she is hot. He promised her she would be safe. Because she was hot. Its cool, Joe. Heck, I once told a girl I could bring her cat back from the dead just to get her to hold my hand. The crazy thing, though? I did bring it back. After I buried it in the Mi'kmaq burial ground. Then, I brought back this creepy little kid who got hit by a truck. Then, he wanted to play with yewwwwwww. Then, Herman Munster said dead was better. Then, the Ramones sang a cool song. The end. True story.

At TIMBERRRRa, things are also not going all that great. The White Power Ranger, apparently, knows everything. Including bean cookery. He insists that the beans should be softer, so he adds more river water, which in turn means they need to be cooked longer. This is, of course, not something the rest of the tribe wants. So, he extends their cooking time. Brandon, meanwhile, barks that “look, I am a dog, and I therefore know when it is going to rain. And I knew it was going to rain, so I was like, ‘don’t cook them beans.’ This is just another one of those ‘White Power Ranger Moments’ “ Or something like that. Then it rained, and everyone except White Power Ranger went under the shelter to keep dry. White Power Ranger had to stay out there and cook his beans. So, I was like, “Hey, that’s cool. White Power Ranger is sticking to his ninja blades.” But then, like 5 seconds later, he also went under the shelter…and I was like “White Power Ranger? More like Suck Sucker Ranger.” So, yeah, the beans were of course overcooked.

Seriously, White Power Ranger is unbelievable. Every single time he tries to look like he knows what he’s doing and goes against what everybody else is saying he should do, he looks like a doof. He’s like a less likable Clark Griswold. Like, his tribe is Ellen saying, “Clark, don’t you think it would be easier if we flew to Wally World.” And White Power Ranger is all, “because getting there is half the fun.” Then, White Power Ranger would end up lost in the desert, being made fun of by Native Americans, while TIMBERRRa would be all, “I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives.”

Wow, what? Seriously, I don’t know how we ended up there, but it was a fun trip, huh?

And then, the rest of the tribe did call him out for it, especially Sierra. White Power Ranger turned it around and laughed it off, saying something to the effect of, “Its always about the Beans. Beans, beans, beans, beans.” He then added, “they truly are a magical fruit, The more you eat, the more you toot. Not content on stopping there, he continued, “and beans are good for your heart. The more you eat. The more you DROPKICK NINJA JUMP HI-YA!” White Power Ranger wins.

There was also this great moment where, while White Power Ranger was talking, he was doing that arm-swing “this is crazy this is crazy this is crazy” clap thing (another Vacation reference? OMG!!!11)…and Brandon was doing it too. Then, all of a sudden, he looks down and notices he is DOING EXACTLY WHAT WHITE POWER RANGER IS DOING and he stops, looking at his hands incredulously. He seemed genuinely disgusted with himself for mimicking White Power Ranger. Honestly, if there was a window nearby, I’m pretty sure he would have jumped out of it.

Back at Jallywood, HULK and Gilbert are considering telling JT about the hidden immunity idol. It went something like this:

HULK: HULK THINK WANT 1…2…UM…3 PERSON ALLIANCE IN TRIBE. WANT TELL JT ABOUT IDOL.
Gilbert: Well, according to my mathematical equations, it would seem preposterously silly and downright moronic for us to inform JT of the existence of that particular bauble. Glavin!
HULK: …
Gilbert: I think it’s a bad idea with the telling and the JT and the idol and the “giving up the secret.”
HULK: HULK NOT TELL ABOUT PUNKY BREWSTER DOG ALLIANCE. ONLY IDOL TALK.
Gilbert: (thinking to himself) She’s not budging. I have to outwit her somehow. But how will I penetrate that mind of hers? How will I…I’ve got it! (to HULK) These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.
HULK: THESE ARENT DROIDS HULK LOOKING FOR…WHAT ME TALKING ABOUT BEFORE?
Gilbert: No worries…hey, wanna wrestle?
HULK: YIPPEE!
Annnnnnd…scene!

Next up was the reward challenge. In it, each team has to build an intricate little barricade of sorts through which the other team has to throw pigs.

I am just going to let you soak that one in.

Honestly, what? What is this? Double Dare? Speaking of, Double Dare was awesome. Remember how awful it was when they wouldn’t make it to physical challenge in a question set? Although, paradoxically, it always surprised me that they even had to go to physical challenge. Even my idiot kid brain knew the answers to all those ridiculous question. Here is a sample scene:

Marc Summers: This animal barks, has four legs, chases cats, and rhymes with log.
Blue Team: (long pause)….Ummmmmmm, Dare!
Marc Summers: Red Team?
Red Team: (whispers in each others’ ears for a few seconds…) DOUBLE DARE!
Marc Summers: Blue Team – You can either answer the question or go for the physical challenge.
Blue Team: (looking crazy confused)…Um, Oh, Um…Welll, PHYSICAL CHALLENGE!
Marc Summers: The correct answer was dog, you morons! Now, line up in front of our groin kicking machine while your teammate throws rotten eggs at you.

Thank God for stupid kids or that show would have sucked. Plus, that show was the first place I ever saw the Watchman. I remember I was like, “I. MUST. HAVE. IT.” Then I got it and it was all I expected it to be, which is to say it was nothing at all like I expected it to be. Watching grainy, flickering episodes of Small Wonder while constantly having to adjust the dial as I moved was not as magical as I had expected.

Where was I? Oh, yeah…TIMBERRRRRRa won the challenge. What did they win? A barbecue at a waterfall. And they sent Joe to DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE ISLAND!!!! And he chose Erinn to go with him. Because he thought she was hot. I am sensing a theme here with old Joe. Creepy. Though I shouldn’t be surprised. His luxury items were ROOFIES AND HANDCUFFS.

So, yeah, TIMBERRRa goes off to enjoy burgers and cold drinks. Tyson exclaims that he is going to “eat enough to puke” and then eat some more. Which is charming…as Tyson usually is. Then they swam and played in the water like moronic, unlikeable mermaids. And they forgot their differences and just enjoyed themselves. Except for White Power Ranger, who pretended to forget his differences and was like, “I kinda feel bad for Erinn because she is missing this,” but continued, “eh, but screw her crap.” That White Power Ranger sure is cruddy.

Back on DID YOU HEAR THAT???ISLAND, Joe lets Erinn pick the first urn because he’s a gentleman. And he also wants sex. Erinn picks the one with the clue and reads it to herself. She realizes the idol is back at camp and wrestles with the idea of telling Joe. Then she tells him. It wasn’t a very exciting wrestling match. It was a lot like the time Lawrence Taylor took on Bam Bam Bigelow in Wrestlemania XII Oh really? LT won? Of course he did. You try wrestling a crackhead. There is absolutely no way to win. They’re wiry.

So, back on JalleBerry, HULK and Gilbert realize that once Joe comes back, he will probably know where to look for the idol and once he does, he will realize that HULK probably has it. So, totally out of character, HULK smartly creates a fake idol and hides it at tree mail. Totally in character, she also stupidly puts the real idol at the top of her bag, where JT discovers it. Then he goes to Gilbert and tells him that he found it. Gilbert plays dumb and then goes to HULK and tells her to tell JT about it and make it look like she just thought of telling him. And JT falls for it. Like, what a coincidence. He tells Gilbert about it and, like, 5 seconds later, she tells him about it? Wow. That really worked out well. It was like that time on Lost when we were asking, “hey, why wouldn’t Ben remember that Sayid tried to kill him” and then 2 seconds later, Richard said Ben wouldn’t remember any of this. I love when things just come together like that.

Ooh. Um. Spoiler Alert?

The immunity challenge had one member (who could swap out at any time) from each tribe shooting a slingshot at columns of sand, basically. Tyson and JT take up the slingshots for each tribe first. Tyson gains an early lead while JT struggles. Tyson takes this opportunity to say an unfunny (surprise??) comment like, “Hey, I can shoot for you if you want.” He is brilliant. Seriously. He is to funny putdowns as Ralph Kramden is to solid business ideas. JT, however, was not doing great…this is true. As I said, he could switch out, but he decided to wave them off saying, “I got this.” He was like Rudy in that movie Rudy hushing the naysayers as he emerged, senior year, onto the field at Notre Dame. Except nothing like that happened here. Here, JT continued to be awful and led his team to defeat. YAY!!!

So, now, Jalaback-y’all is facing tribal council. Joe takes an opportunity to check the tree mail skirt for the hidden idol, which he finds. Of course, it’s the fake idol that HULK created. Joe is on a quest now to vote off HULK and keep his victim Sydney safe. HULK, however, has other plans – scheming with JT and Gilbert to vote off Sydney. JT considers momentarily voting off HULK with Gilbert since they can hold onto the idol. But he intelligently decides that’s not a good idea. I have to agree – with merge coming up, voting off HULK would probably not have been the smartest idea since she was the glue in their cross-tribal alliance. With her gone, however, it would be a toss-up between Erinn and Sierra for the hottest chick on the show, currently. Erinn looks sort of like a less attractive “Corpse Bride” and Sierra always looks like she just tasted something gross. So, there is also that to consider.

At tribal council, HULK says, “ME HAVE RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE IN OTHER TRIBE AND THIS GOOD FOR US AT MERGE.” Sydney counters with, “I am loyal and do not have relationships with the other tribe.” I counter with, “I just want to get this over with and watch The Office.” In the end, Sydney was voted out and Joe was left feeling unsatisfied.

Until next time,
Wayne