SURVIVOR TOW-MATER EPISODE X: MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE TRIED EAR-BITING LIKE THAT OTHER TYSON GUY

Hey…sorry about the late newsletter, but I was unavoidably detained. And that doesn’t mean “arrested for freeing a bunch of caged monkeys” like it did in Junior High. Animal activist? Hardly. I just was hoping to start my own army of drugged-up monkeys to fling poo at Jordan Knight. Didn’t work though. I ended up having to fling my own poo. It ended up being cool though because I made up a little sign that said, “Girl, You Know It’s Poo.” Unfortunately, that was a Milli Vanilli song, so it didn’t have the intended effect. Guess I should have gone with “I’ll Be Loving Poo Forever.”

True story.

Anyways, the show began on a mostly joyous tone. Most of the tribe was pretty happy at the Brandon blindside. Tyson said to Sierra, “You gotta admit that was bad ass.” Surprisingly, she did not admit that. It was though. It was super bad ass. It was straight-up gangster the way they all snuck around and made Brandon into a bad guy and then cast a secret ballot and smirked but didn’t make eye contact when he was voted out. It made that scene in Menace II Society when O-Dog got shot down look like Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie. I am not 100% sure what that means, but whatever. Now, we are all in the same boat. The S.S. What-the-frick??

So, Sierra responds by saying she was not a bad person for writing down White Power Ranger’s name, but that it was a hard choice to make. Really? To write his name down? I mean, I am not even competing for a million dollars against him and I am ready to vote him off. Off Planet Earth, that is. I sent a letter to my congressman already. And he responded back:

Mr. Citizen X,

As I have told you before (countless times), I cannot kick any individuals out of the city, state, or planet. I do not have this authority. That goes for this White Power Ranger as well as everyone else you have asked about – Meredith Grey, David Blaine, that wad of cash in the Geico commercials, Kate from Lost, Heidi and Spencer, Lady Gaga, King Bowser, that “drug dealer guy who turned into a snake in that 80’s public service announcement,” or the claw machine that kept dropping that Heathcliff stuffed animal you wanted. That last one is so ridiculous, I keep it in my jacket pocket for when things get rough to remind myself that there are people in worse shape than me in the world.

Additionally, as I have told you time and time again, I am not a congressman. I just help people out when they can’t figure out the Charlie Card machines at the T Station. I still don’t even know how you got my address. Or why you refer to yourself as “Citizen X” but still include your home address. Please stop sending me letters. And emails. And balloon bouquets. And locks of your hair.

Sincerely,
Harry Henderson

My government. Working for me.

White Power Ranger responded that, “in war, its either kill or be killed and you pitted yourself against me and BLAH BLAH BLAH.” Honestly, he is incapable of ever talking like a normal person. He takes every opportunity to pontificate. He’s a real pontificator. He wants so much to be Mr. Miyagi, doling out speeches of “squish. Like grape” –caliber here and there, but he just ends up coming off like a placemat in a Chinese restaurant – “The road of the true warrior must not be the straight and narrow, as this will make his journey complete. Another thing that is complete is Special #76 – pork fried rice, crab rangoons, and your choice of ½ entrée. You can’t get completer. Live long and prosper.”

Next we see White Power Ranger doing his, ahem, Chong Ran, in the water to celebrate his victory over Brandon. He says that he is proud of himself for winning against someone who is younger than him and faster than him. And stronger than him, though he caveats this with, “although I do benchpress 300 pounds. We were talking two days ago and he was like, ‘Really??’ so he doesn’t do that.” Yep, I am sure his “Really??” was because Brandon was like, “Wow, White Power Ranger. You are super strong!!” It probably wasn’t a sarcastic really, like…”Fonzie jumped over a shark. On waterskis. In shorts. And a leather jacket. Really?!” or “2 ½ Men is the #1 comedy in America? Really??!!” I am sure it was totally sincere, White Power Ranger.

Sierra took Tyson aside and said she made a mistake, but that everyone has basically betrayed everyone. Which was true. Of course, Tyson took the opportunity to be all smarmy and smart-alecky. And other words that begin with “sm”. For example, she says that she was not the mastermind behind anything. Tyson responds with, “I don’t think you were the mastermind. I don’t think you’re smart enough for it.” This from a man who says one of his favorite hobbies is sun bathing. And his jokes are just awful. Its kind of hard to explain, but remember all those awful 80’s sexploitation movies like “Hardbodies” or “Bikini Car Wash Company?” Remember how the jerk characters always told really bad jokes that were more mean than funny? Like, remember how funny Greg thought it was in Just One of the Guys to lift up the tables in the lunchroom or lift freshmen up by their wedgies? Well, Tyson is like that. His jokes are of Greg Tolan table-lifting quality.

Next up was the reward challenge. In it, the contestants had to divide into two teams of four. The teams had to race out, grab these puzzle boards with holes in them. They then had to line up the holes to see vowels through them. And then they had to combine the vowels with the consonants provided to them to form a phrase which they had to unscramble. Here were the teams – White Power Ranger, Gilbert, Sierra, and HULK versus JT, Tyson, Erinn, and Debra. Wow, guess who won? This would be like if Carl Lewis, FloJo, Road Runner, and the Flash ran a road race against Mister Magoo, John Goodman, those two turtles from the Comcast commercials, and a stick of Big Red chewing gum. It is smuck teams is what I am telling you right now. Of course JT and Tyson’s team won. This resulted in them winning a feast and a martial arts dance thingy demonstration. You could hear White Power Ranger dying a little inside, which sort of made the whole thing worth it.

And they pick Gilbert to go to WHO’S THERE??? ISLAND.

At their reward, the four devour the food like starved hyenas to the horror of the onlooking Brazillians. Seriously, they ate the corn so fast, it looked like a Hekyll and Jekyll cartoon. Chalk one up for America. Debbie, meanwhile, starts to think about her life as a principal because she sees children there. You see, because there are also children in a school. And she is principal of a school. It was, um, touching? I understood it though. My old principal used to tell me every September how much he missed me because there was no one around to shine his shoes or wash his car or feel the wrath of his paddle. Then he’d sit back down on his corner and beg for more change. The other kids in the neighborhood would always tease me with, “school is held in that building over there” and “hey, that’s not a school, it’s a cardboard box” and “I am pretty sure that guy isn’t a principal” and “you should really call the police.” Kids can be so cruel.

Then came the martial arts dance. It was breathtaking. Those cats were fast as lightning. In fact, it was a little bit frightening. But they fought with expert timing. They were chopping them up. They were chopping them down. Its an ancient Chinese art. And everybody knew their part. From a feint into a slip, and kicking from the hip. Whoa-ho-ho-ho!!!

Also, Erinn threw up on her feet because she ate too much before partaking in the martial arts dancing. She equated herself to the kid who eats too much pizza and ice cream and then played in the ball pit and threw up. It reminded me of the time I ate three Lean Cuisines before Jazzercise. When we did the “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” routine, I tossed my cookies all over the rectory gym. I mean, what?? No no. It reminded me of the time I ate a whole deer carcass and competed in a decathalon and didn’t throw up because I am A MAN.

Back on I’M YOUR BOYFRIEND NOW NANCY ISLAND, Gilbert was frustrated because he had hoped there would be a clue to a new idol since Brandon left with his, but there was not. So, he let out a primal Nerd Call that echoed through the trees. GLAYYYYVINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!11111

Back at camp, Debbie joins the ‘who is most annoying’ contest in a conversation with Sierra. Sierra, still scrambling, is pleading her case with Debbie. Debbie turns back to her and says “you chose the wrong action. Who goes if not you?” and on and on, talking about how she picked the right alliance and all that. Debbie, how dumb are you? You are literally on the lowest rung of the ladder in your alliance. You are the Andrea Zuckerman of the group. I was going to say you were the Screech of the group, but I think Screech actually had much more pull in his group than Andrea did. Screech was always included in Zack and Slater’s plans, so that made him pretty integral and he always had at least as much screen time as the other two male leads. Andrea, meanwhile, had an ongoing romantic tension with a main character for a while, had a baby, cheated on her husband, and was on freaking Jeopardy!, but always felt like an outsider. Therefore, Debbie, you are Andrea Zuckerman. Go forth and be awful.

Then comes another conversation between White Power Ranger and Sierra. Sierra is obviously trying to get into White Power Ranger’s good graces by telling him, if given another chance, she will be able to prove what a loyal person she can be. White Power ranger answers the only way he knows how, “The Samurai Warrior, if he did dishonor to himself or his family, you know what he would do? He would fall on his sword. Death before dishonor.” Samurai, Samurai, Samurai. Its always samurais with you, White Power Ranger. Steven Segal called. He wants his EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM back.

Then came the immunity challenge. It was basically shuffle board. Person closest to the target at the end wins. Of course, with THE DEVIL JEFF PROBST being the spawn of Hell, he has an offer to make. Those who feel safe enough to do so, can sit out the challenge and eat pizza. Gilbert, JT, and White Power Ranger sit out the challenge. It made sense. Gilbert never wins a challenge anyways, so I understand him sitting out. And JT is pretty well-liked, so I can see him not being too worried. White Power Ranger, at first surprised me, but then I remembered a wise Ninja once told me, “Ninja Pizza is pizza that quickly vanish without a trace.” That Ninja’s name? Michaelangelo.

In the challenge, Sierra actually came close to winning, with Andrea Zuckerman knocking her puck out of the way to move in and win at the last shuffle. Andrea Zuckerman wins immunity and the title of Most Likely to Succeed in the West Beverly Yearbook.

Back at camp, Tyson says that he can’t wait for tribal council and hopes that Sierra will cry a lot. I was going to make an obvious and tasteless joke about people named Tyson making women cry, but I have decided to take the high road and instead perform a Vaudeville routine:

Jackson: Why hello, Mr. Rebonwitz
Rebonowitz: Oh, hello Jackson
Jackson: Rebinowitz, If two collars had a race, how would it end?
Rebinowitz: I don’t know Jackson. If two collars had a race, how would it end?
Jackson: In a tie, Mortimer. In a tie.
Rebinowitz: Oh, Jackson. You are incorrigible.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program….

After this discussion, we cut to Gilbert, who suggests to HULK and Erinn that they blindside Tyson because he is such a strong competitor. He then goes to JT, who agrees. JT is later approached by White Power Ranger who says he completely trusts JT. Which was cool, because I was all, “oooooh…you shouldn’t trust him, White Power Ranger.” Did I say, “cool?” Because, obviously, me talking to my television and naming someone after a power ranger is pretty much the opposite of cool. Pretty much my whole life is the opposite of cool. For example, last Christmas, my wife gave me a DVD copy of the Worst Witch and I was super excited. Yeah, I am like anti-cool. But, maybe I am so not cool, that I am cool? No? Well, whatever…who wants to be cool anyways?

I do. Badly.

And, for those of you getting ready to complain. No, I did not reference The Worst Witch a couple of weeks ago. That was Teen Witch. The Worst Witch starred Tim Curry, a young Fairuza Balk, and Mrs. Garret. So…there. Did I mention I wasn’t cool? Good. I am glad we already covered that.

So, going into tribal council, I really was not sure what was going to happen. Would it be Sierra? Would it be Tyson? Would I care? One thing was for sure. White Power Ranger would probably say something stupid. And he did. It started out with Tyson saying that he likes everyone in his tribe except for Sierra. To this, Sierra speaks out against Tyson, whom she says is constantly badgering her. Good for her. Seriously, does he need to say half the things he says? Probably not. But, without the Greg Tolans of the world, how would people like Rick Morehouse emerge as the better person. Without evil, there can be no good. Without Sauron, there could be no Frodo. Without the Emperor, there can be no Luke. Without Oil Can Harry, there can be no Mighty Mouse. So, thanks Tyson, for being our Oil Can Harry.

Then, White Power Ranger defends his choice to vote off some and keep some as his way of keeping the strongest in the game. Because this is how the true samurai tests his worth, or whatever. Of course, there is a massive hole in this as PROBST immediately points out. He asks White Power Ranger why he voted off Brandon then. White Power Ranger backtracks a bit and says that Brandon made the mistake of pitting himself against the White Power Ranger. And that resulted in his departure. According to White Power Ranger, he is a ‘ravenous wolf’ who will take out his enemies. I thought he was a dragon slayer, but now he is a ravenous wolf? I am pretty sure he is just “whatever wood carving he can remember from last year’s Topsfield Fair. Next episode he will probably be a salmon jumping in a river or an old Native American woman. Or a sign that says “________’s Bar”

In the end, there was a tremendous blindside as Tyson was voted out. Seriously, it was a pretty awesome moment. He was smirking big time at the beginning and then, as his name kept getting read, the smirk got smaller and smaller. And Sierra was sitting there, with this look that said, “What the f?”

Until next time,
Wayne