Hey everyone, just a quick housekeeping tip before we get on with the show description. Ugh, why did I say that? “Just a quick housekeeping tip.” I really hate when people say that at the beginning of presentations. What does that have to do with housekeeping? You’re not cleaning anything. Are you turning down my bed? Putting a mint on my pillow? Calling the manager because of my inappropriate comments and/or gestures? Oh well, let’s just put that one in the parking lot. Damn, I did it again.
Anyways. So, yeah, I wanted to let you know that I will be away on vacation next week, so I will not be writing a recap. Huh? Oh, I am going to Disney with the family. So, I think I will be too drunk to write about the show next week. Oh, did I say drunk? I meant “enamored with the special times I am having with my family.” Yeah, I will be too “enamored with the special times I am having with my family” to write about it next week. In fact, I am surprised I can write about it this week, I am still a little “enamored with the special times I am having with my family” from last night. But I am excited for vacation. In fact, those that work with me may hear me making the “Yeoowwwww” noise that Mick Jagger makes in the beginning of Sympathy for the Devil all day today.
So, the show lastnight began with everyone coming back from tribal council talking about the Tyson blindside. JT and Stephen were trying to calm any potential fears in White Power Ranger and Andrea Zuckerman. White Power Ranger was all, “Its cool. It was well-played.” Whatever. Andrea Zuckerman then repeated everything White Power Ranger said because she desperately needs to be liked. That’s obviously why she worked at the West Beverly Blaze in the first place. Because working on the school paper is a sure way to gain the respect of your peers, kids. Doing dope, however, is not. Just take a look at this anti-drug PSA from Hanna-Barbara which, I guess, is supposed to make you NOT DO DRUGS? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJTC_sX5cxs) I feel like this gets the message across…that smoking dope makes you see lots of colors and cool things like skeletons and stuff. Weird. That’s the same thing that my Grandpa told me when I was a youngster. Although those were in the “Pro” column of his “Weed – Yes or No” sheet we were working on. In the “Con” column were “this would come out of Granny’s Crystal Meth fund” and “may now find Carrot Top funny.” God, going to my grandparents’ house was scary. Scary awesome.
The next morning, scared for her future on the show, Andrea Zuckerman approached JT and Gilbert to see who they were thinking about voting off. They agreed that Sierra and Erinn would be next. Andrea Zuckerman then wondered, “Gilbert, JT and I talked about all of us being there towards the end, but do you believe them?” I say yes! But I am a pretty trusting guy. Like, I totally believed that Arnold would kill that guy last in Commando. What a liar. That’s why I didn’t vote for him. Well, I also don’t live in California. I also don’t agree with his views on how to handle Predators. I am a huge animal rights activist. Predators are people too.
Still nervous about her place in the tribe, Andrea Zuckerman approaches White Power Ranger about JT and Gilbert (wow, only one “real” name in that sentence and even that sounds fake.) If Sierra were to go and then Erinn, the original TIMBERRRRa tribe would be down to two, giving the original JellyBelly tribe members the numbers to have a majority. Hey remember when Andrea Zuckerman and Vanessa from The Cosby Show both had talk shows at the same time in the 90’s? It was like “The Battle of the Least-Liked Regulars.” If Tina Yothers had joined the fray, it would have probably counted as some sort of sign of the apocalypse. Man, Vanessa was just an awful, awful character. I even liked Elvin better than Vanessa. And his name was Elvin. Elvin. Probably the worst name ever on The Cosby Show. And that’s saying something. I mean, there was a character named Cockroach, fer chrissakes.
Andrea Zuckerman suggests then that maybe they should enlist Sierra and Erinn and align with them to take out JT, Gilbert, and HULK. Seriously, what’s up with HULK? I feel like she was a pretty central piece of the show at the beginning, but lately she hasn’t really played a big role on the show. I mean, she has been upstaged by Andrea Zuckerman, for crying out loud. This is even more surprising than the time that both Andrea and Brenda had a crush on the same teacher and he made a pass at Andrea. AT ANDREA!! OVER BRENDA! What??!!! That’s the confusion I am feeling right now…its like “Andrea over Brenda”-level confusion.
Next up was the Immunity Challenge. This is one of those challenges I really like on the show. In it, each tribe member had to select which of their fellow tribemates fits a particular superlative. For instance, “who would you least like to win?” or “who is most likely to stab you in the back?” or “who would squander the million dollars the fastest?” or “who always makes a face like they just poured a whole bag of Sour Patch Kids in their mouth?” Then THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY would tally up the answers and ask each tribe member to then stand in a line and answer what they thought was the most popular choice. If you are right, you get to cut one of three ropes belonging to each member. If all three of someone’s ropes are cut, they are out.
By the way, the answer to all of those questions I posed earlier was Sierra. Poor Sierra. That must have been really awful to consistently have your name chosen as the most popular answer to “WHO IS THE WORST AT EVERYTHING?” This is what I always imagine it would be like for Aquaman when the Justice League yearbook comes out. While Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman always take home top honors – Most Popular, Most Attractive, Best Costume, Coolest Archenemy – Aquaman must always end up getting Worst Super Power, Worst Costume, and Worst Mode of Transportation. I mean, doesn’t he ride a dolphin or something? Yay Aquaman! You can do what only middle school girls dream of!! Seriously, if he covered himself in glitter and wrote “I luv Wayne 4-eva” all over himself in black Magic Marker, he would totally be the cover of my 7th grade girlfriend’s Trapper Keeper.
Oh, and Gilbert won the challenge. He won a Brazillian feast at some Brazillian family’s house and a swim in some sort of spring. Mark Burnett is obviously running out of ideas. Also, Gilbert could bring two people, so be brought HULK and JT because they both threatened to beat him up and take his lunch money if he didn’t. With the beating and the bullying and the HEY DON’T FLUSH MY HEAD DOWN THE TOILET. GLAYVIN!
And they sent Erinn to EVIL ON TWO LEGS!!! ISLAND.
At the reward, the three are escorted to a farm, where a family welcomes them in and feeds them. As they are eating, Gilbert says in a voiceover, “we were eating carrots and beets which are indigenous to Brazil” while HULK says “INDOGANOUS?” and JT says “blank stare.” While enjoying their meal, a 3 year-old girl falls out of her bench. HULK swoops down and picks up the girl and cradles her while her family ran out of the house, screaming, “EL CHUPACABRA!!!” It was really touching. And HULK cried because it made her miss her own kid. I guess it was supposed to be touching with this mutant rocking and cradling this kid, but it was less touching and more “OH MY GOD DID YOU NOT EVER READ OF MICE AND MEN BEFORE??’ to me. Thank goodness the child was released unharmed back to her family. But she will forever talk of the day when she was held by the “American Giant.”
Then they swam in some weird spring where an underwater geyser pushes up so much sand, it feels like they are floating. And they were all like, “WOW, THIS IS CRAZY I AM FLOATING….IN WATER. HAVE YOU EVER FLOATED IN WATER I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW CRAZY THIS IS.” It was pretty amazing. I felt like I was watching an episode of Mr. Wizard’s World. Not one of the cool episodes though. This was more like one of the later episodes when he just made us watch old slide shows of his trip to Southern Florida. “You see, this is how you play pinochle,” he would say. Damn, that show really jumped the shark when he developed Alzheimer’s.
Back at camp, things got crazy town. White Power Ranger and Andrea Zuckerman approached Sierra and were all like, “We should align” and “you should be loyal to us” and “what you don’t want to align” and “well, where does your loyalties lie” and “well, fine if you don’t want to align with us then you will be voted off because we are honorable and always tell the truth except for when we say we are aligned with everyone else and you should therefore believe us because we do lie…but to everyone else but you and you should align with us and what? youre not? Then we are voting you out white power ranger and andrea zuckerman out.” It pretty much went like that. Sierra stood her ground and said she would not go with them in an alliance. Then Andrea Zuckerman cried. And this was good.
Later that day, when everyone is back from the reward, White Power Ranger approaches JT and tells him that Sierra approached him and Andrea Zuckerman and suggested an “Original TIMBERRRa” alliance and how he wanted nothing to do with it. Then Sierra pulls Gilbert aside and tells him that she was approached by Andrea Zuckerman and White Power Ranger about an alliance and when she said no they went BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. After this conversation, Gilbert comes up on White Power Ranger and JT talking on the riverbank and says he is worried about a TIMBERRA resurgence. White Power Ranger than changes his story a bit, saying that not only did Sierra say she wanted an alliance, but Andrea Zuckerman also was thinking about it. And he says the thought of this alliance just made him sick.
He’s not just lying. He is hella-lying. He’s “yeah, there are totally Weapons of Mass Destruction over there” lying. And I wouldn’t normally care. I mean, you lie in this game. Whatever. Part of the game. But he is always talking about how the “path of the true warrior is the path of the noble blah blah whatever” and other Golden Child crap and then he lies like this. And again, I STILL wouldn’t care. But its almost disturbing because I think White Power Ranger believes he is telling the truth. Like, at the reunion show, they are going to show this to him and I truly think his head is going to explode like Kramer’s giant rubber ball of oil.
Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribemates had to throw out this grappling hook on the end of a rope and try to snag three bags. The first three that complete this task move on to the second round of having to navigate a ball through a Labyrinth. Upon completing this, they then had to try and save their baby brother from an uncomfortably tight-pantsed David Bowie. You remind me of the babe. What babe? The babe with the power. Hey remember the 80’s when it wasn’t creepy at all that David Bowie wanted to have sex with a teenager? Well, now you can relive all those memories again with “Crappy Music, Crappy Clothes, Movies that were Funny But Had Ridiculous Plots: The 80’s Box Set” !!!1111
Oh, um White Power Ranger won. And he had yet another awesome White Power Ranger. He yelled out DRAGONSLAYER!! and then did some impromptu Chong Ran after winning. So normal. Like, what do you do at that point? Congratulations? Later, back at camp, he recounted how the prayer and meditation he had been doing had prepared him perfectly for such a challenge. His face is like a fist-magnet.
Sierra then told JT all about White Power Ranger’s lying and JT was like, “its your word against his.” Sierra then offered up, “Well, I will confront him right now in front of you to prove I’m not lying.” And she did. And of course, White Power Ranger responds with stuff like “I have never lied in this game” amidst constant ponytail-fixing. The whole display ended with Andrea Zuckerman storming off in tears, shouting, “I’m too old for this!!!” Well, that never stopped you before, Andrea Zuckerman! I mean, you like 50 when you were portraying a high school newspaper editor, but that never stopped you. C’mon. That’s not the Andrea I know.
Also, how stupid are you, Andrea? I mean, White Power Ranger just called you our as trying to form an alliance with Sierra and you’re all, “Sierra, you are lying!!” This is worse than that time you decided to have sex with your RA even though you and Donna promised each other you would wait. You’re an awful person, Andrea Zuckerman.
JT and Gilbert then met and said that they were pretty sure Sierra just caught White Power Ranger in a lie. And Erinn tells Sierra she believes her and she is not writing her name down. This actually seemed pretty smart on their part and I was like, “Hey, good for them. They seem to be thinking intelligently and…oh wait” Tribal council….
At tribal council, White Power Ranger identifies Sierra as the catalyst for all the uproar in the tribe, even though he is the one lying his socks-pulled-up-to-his-knees off. Sierra rolls her eyes so hard it actually hurt me to look at her. Andrea Zuckerman says that she is probably a threat because she is physically strong and everyone likes her. Herm. Erm. Um. Uhhh…this is awkward.
In the end, the majority did the stupid thing and voted against Sierra. Except for Sierra, who voted against Andrea Zuckerman. And Erinn, who voted against Gilbert? Huh? That was your plan, idiot? Wow, the extra “n” is for “no idea what she is doing!!”
Until next time,
Wayne
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment