SURVIVOR TOMAHAWK FINALE: WE’RE ALL WINNERS. OH, EXCEPT FOR YOU. AND YOU. AND DEFINTELY YOU.

So, ok….the Survivor finale happened. But, you know what? I am getting pretty sick of writing about the show. Honestly, I mean, I am just tapped out. So, I decided instead to write about current events and add my own “Wayne-ness” to them. Here we go. Let’s get zany!

Jimmy Fallon has a new late night TV show. But I hear the show hasn’t been doing that well. Yeah. His ratings keep fallon every week. Hey-OH!

You like that one? You ain’t heard nothing yet. So, did you hear Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games for violating the substance abuse policy in baseball? Yeah. But, when they found out he was actually taking feminine fertility drugs, they changed his punishment. Now, he can return to baseball, but he has to change his name to…get ready for this…you ready? Wo-Manny Ramirez. Wo-manny. Wo-man. Woman. Count it!

Hey, I’m just getting warmed up. Did you hear Jon cheated on Kate? So, according to my calculations, that comes out to: Jon & Kate + 8 + mistress – dignity = I DON’T CARE!!!!111. Whoa, doctor! Did someone order an extra shot of funny? Well, you got it mister. Nurse!!!!111

Hm? OK. Fine. God. I’ll write about it. So, the Survivor finale just happened. Hoop-ee-doo.

The show started with JT, Gilbert, Erinn, & HULK coming back from voting out White Power Ranger at the last tribal council. Gilbert says that JT voting for Erinn is going to now make him look like the villain because it exposed Gilbert’s betrayal of White Power Ranger. Just like that time in the Bible when that dude Judas Priest told all those guys about that other guy. Then he was all, “I’m Hell Bent for Leather.” Then Beavis & Butthead were like BREAKIN’ THE LAW BREAKIN’ THE LAW. Then that “Push the Little Daisies and Make em Come Up” video came on. Then Cornholio. I don’t know why more people don’t read the Bible. Well, ok. I never really read it. But, I used to keep my arcade money in it. And this one time, I scored 1,000,000 on Zaxxon. I bet God was totally proud of me.

After this exchange with Gilbert saying he didn’t want to look like a betrayor, he revealed to the camera that he was thinking about not taking JT to the final two, even though he said he would. But, I can’t blame Gilbert for doing whatever it takes to make this. He needs it. Things have really gone downhill since winning the Homecoming carnival for ol’ Gil. I mean, he had it all that night – the girl, the friends, the yellow jumpsuit. Then, though, he broke his leg in a chess match and couldn’t go with the rest of the Tri-Lams to Ft. Lauderdale. After that, it was like his brothers just forgot about him. Then, he joined some type of weird paintball militia thing. Then, he went off and joined the air force and sang “Great Balls of Fire” and died. Then he became a doctor and died also. Yeah, he died twice. Anything is possible in the world of magic.

The betrayal doesn’t stop with Gilbert though. HULK wants to screw someone over too. Gilbert and HULK discuss voting out JT if he doesn’t win immunity:

Gilbert: Voting out JT seems as obvious a choice as Captain James Tiberius Kirk choosing to bed Uhura. With the aliens and the overacting and the HEY COME CHECK OUT MY CONTROL DECK. GLAYVIN!!
HULK: HULK THINK THIS ONLY WAY. BUT HOW SPELL HIS NAME FOR VOTE?
Gilbert: J-T.
HULK: SLOW DOWN EGGHEAD. USE IN SENTENCE.
Gilbert: I wish I were as cool as JT. With the Southern drawl. And the physical prowess.
HULK: SLOW. DOWN.
Gilbert: OK. Take one T off the end of your favorite Home Improvement star.
HULK: UM. RICHARD KARN HAVE NO “T” IN NAME.
Gilbert: OK. Second-favorite Home Improvement star.
HULK: UM. J. ERM. J….J…JT….JT! HULK GOT IT. GILBERT BEST. WANT HUG?
Gilbert: No thanks. With the rib-crushing and the delicate bones and the STEROID-INDUCED RAGE. GLAYVIN!

Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, Erinn and JT went to get treemail. And it was a plastic spider. I screamed so loud. Not because of the spider, though. I screamed because Erinn looks a lot like that chick that crawls out of the TV in The Ring. Now, I am probably gonna die in 7 days. Just great.

As the final four gather for the immunity challenge, we find out why there was a plastic spider. The challenge requires the tribemates to move through a tarantula-shaped obstacle course and retrieve bags of puzzle pieces. Then, they had to assemble this web-shaped puzzle thing. Though I would like to point out that the spider they found in the treemail looked more like a Black Widow than a Tarantula. Ahem. Glayvin.

JT jumped out to a big lead in the first leg (get it? Leg? Spider legs? Whatever) and Erinn was in dead last. But, even though JT puzzled and puzzled til his puzzler was sore, Erinn caught up to him and it was neck and neck as the two scrambled to fit their pieces in. JT, however, finally found a place for his last piece and emerged victorious, guaranteeing himself a spot in the final three. Wow. JT won. How surprising. Also surprising? Racecar spelled backwards is racecar.

Back at camp after the challenge, Erinn talks with Gilbert and JT in the water and makes an argument for her to stay in the game. She explains that HULK could get a lot of jury votes, so it would make sense to get rid of her before it gets to that. That would make sense. What doesn’t make sense is the plot to Encino Man. I mean, there is no way Pauly Shore would ever survive high school ALIVE. No. Possible. Way.

Next came the first tribal council of the night. GEORGE BURNS IN OH GOD YOU DEVIL asked Gilbert point-blank if he planned on taking the best to the end or doing whatever it takes to give him the best chance of winning. Gilbert admits that he would base his vote on what would give him the best chance of making it all the way. He therefore voted for an end to Nerd Prosecution. And Sex Robots…he voted for Sex Robots.

In the end, JT and Gilbert went against their alliance and voted out HULK. Which worked out because WRITING ALL IN CAPS is just not as funny as it once was. To me, at least. So, in saying goodbye to HULK, we say goodbye to gamma rays. And awful 90’s pop music. HULK GET SO WEAK IN THE KNEES HIM CAN HARDLY SPEAK. H-H-U-U-L-L-K-K.

The next morning, Gilbert further proves his capacity to betray by forming a pact with Erinn. She says that if she makes it to the final two, she will take him. And he basically says if he makes it, he will take her. And I say they should burn every Wile E. Coyote cartoon where he talks. Who thought this was a good idea? It’s like, “Hey, that Wile E. Coyote is pretty funny, but you know who else is really funny? Mr. Howell from Gilligan’s Island. If only there was a way to combine the two.” Probably the 2nd worst decision ever in cartoons. The worst? Has to be, “Hey, that mouse hitting that cat with a frying pan and then the cat sticking the mouse in an electric socket is hilarious. But, you know what would be even better? If they were friends and were really nice to each other and just sort of hung out.” Yeah, those have to be the two worst cartoon-related decisions. Also, Scrappy-Doo and that decision to greenlight that cartoon where Gary Coleman plays Gary Coleman but he’s actually an angel that helps people are pretty high up there as well. Actually, maybe that whole Gary Coleman thing should be #1. Who the hell knows? What do I look like? A cartoon historian? Well, maybe I do. But I’m not.

Then came the part of the finale I always enjoy most. The torches of the fallen. For those unfamiliar, here is where the remaining three Survivors have to go and walk amongst the torches of everyone they stabbed in the back and then burn them all as some ceremonial way of honoring them or some crap. And they have to reflect at every torch. Even on the people that were there for like a day.

JT: Hey, remember Candace?
Erinn: No
Gilbert: No
Erinn: No
JT: No
Gilbert: Yes. Wait. I mean, no.

This one was actually pretty boring though. I was hoping for some funny stuff when they got to White Power Ranger, but nothing really. Erinn said it was her favorite blindside. And JT and Gilbert agreed that he changed the game “in his way.” “In his way” is just a way to gently say that he really did not in fact change the game. I have gotten a lot of “in his way”s in my day:

“Wayne is learning to open up to the other kids…in his way”
“Wayne is expressing his anger…in his way”
“Wayne graduated high school…in his way”
“Wayne is learning to quench the murderous rage that lives inside him…in his way”
“Wayne is dealing with his glue-sniffing problem…in his way”

Next up was the final immunity challenge of the season. HUZZAH! The challenge involved THE PROBST saying “balls” a lot. It involved this track thing that the tribe members had to drop these balls into and then catch them at the other end. Then they had to keep increasing the amount of balls and keep catching them. If you dropped a ball, you were out. And you had to do it with your hand tied behind your back. Oh, PROBST, you wicked wicked man. The track reminded me of that bowling ball thing at the Museum of Science. Man, I love science. I always have. I remember doing experiments even when I was a little kid. I still do them even now. That’s why all the dead bodi…erm…test tubes I mean. Yeah, test tubes. That’s why all those test tubes are in my basement. Covered that up pretty nicely.

So, I will just skip to the boring ending of the challenge. JT won. Why did I bet on Gilbert? I am always doing that. I should take the sure thing. It’s like when I bet against the Bulls in ‘92. And the Cowboys in ’93. And Stallone in Over the Top. I mean, did you even see “Bull” Hurley? But I hadn’t counted on him turning his hat backwards. Apparently, it makes him feel like a truck. Dammit. Meet me halfway. Across the sky.

Back at camp, Erinn reveals to JT that Gilbert said he would take her to the finals as a last-ditch effort to make it through. And Gilbert tells us that he agrees that the smart thing for JT to do would be to take Erinn. And according to those TV commercials, the smart thing for me to do would be to call the Art Instruction Schools. Yes, I like to draw. And paint. And maybe just sketch and doodle in my spare time. All I have to do is draw a turtle and I’m in! I love how the guy is like, “Do you like to sketch and doodle? Then chances are you have what it takes to be a serious art student.” It’d be like asking, “Do you enjoy writing your name in the corner of an envelope when you send letters? Then chances are you have what it takes to be a world-renowned novelist.”

At tribal council, Erinn lays out to LUCIFER what she said to JT about having a better shot against her at the final council than he would against Gilbert. Then Gilbert said that JT should keep him because they can have breakfast together the next day. BEELZEBUB joked about weighing breakfast against a million dollars, but you know what? Haha DEVIL, but that’s how I got most of my dates when I was younger. It was really easy. I mean, all these women were just standing there…in line…for soup. And I show up with promises of eggs and bacon? I was like a younger, more acne-covered Daddy Warbucks to them. True, I always ended up having only Froot Loops or, more often than not, the less expensive Frute Rings, but still…they got to dream for just a little bit. And isn’t that what life is all about? Dreams?

JT goes against Erinn’s advice, however, and votes her out…taking Gilbert to the final two with him.

THE END.

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…

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Nah.

The next morning, the two feel zero remorse about voting out Erinn. Because the extra ‘n’ stood for ‘not likeable.’ Then they check treemail and find the breakfast Gilbert teased JT with. And they eat every bit of it. And drink all the orange juice. And champagne. Which I am sure was supposed to go in the orange juice. But JT is a hillbilly. And hillbillies will always hilariously do the wrong thing in social situations. Like use the wrong fork. Or put ketchup on their filet mignon. Or marry their cousin. Or marry their sister. Or marry their horse. Hilarious.

Then came the final tribal council – facing the jury. Let’s just say Gilbert totally totally blew this. I mean, every answer came across as slimy and scrambling and defensive. He starts off saying that while JT was the “better woodsman” and “better sportsman” and had the “Most Charming Southern Drawl” (?), he has grown the most. So, you know, too bad this isn’t ‘Up With People’ camp and is instead ‘Survivor’ where being better is sort of the key. JT’s response can be summarized best as “I am better at this than him so vote for me.”

Then the questions came. Some highlights:

Andrea Zuckerman asked Gilbert a pretty good question – “If JT hadn’t won immunity, who would be sitting up here with you. And he answered, after some squirming, that he was afraid Erinn would be sitting up there with him. I don’t think that answer hurt him though. He was at least honest. What does hurt him is that he looks a little like this guy I used to work with that had to walk around at lunch to like 5 different restaurants in Boston to see what type of soup they were serving that day before deciding on where to eat.

White Power Ranger said…something or other. It was about “warriors” and “wizards” though. That you can be sure of.

Sierra just has a lot of anger. Which makes her a lot hotter.

HULK got pretty upset and started crying and asking why they lied to her. Gilbert got especially slimy here as he threw JT under the bus and said JT wanted to get rid of her for a while. Which was not completely true…as Gilbert also wanted to get rid of her. Then Gilbert said, “friendship means more than money” even though he just said he would have probably taken Erinn to the final with him. Gilbert is teh bad.

And then…WE ARE LIVE. I’m not even gonna bother complaining about the lack of helicopters and fireworks and charging bulls because it seems they aren’t even considering that type of PROBST entrance anymore. Fascists.

Should I even bother saying who won? Haven’t we all figured it out? Please refer back to my Stallone versus “Bull” Hurley comment above. Of course JT won. And of course he got all the votes. And of course that bottle of Jim Beam on my table was empty by now. SO, yes, JT…the favorite…won. Unanimously.

The reunion show was pretty uneventful. JT also won the $100K fan favorite award and is still friends with Gilbert despite him being a terrible person. And THE DEVIL HIMSELF asked White Power Ranger to take a lie detector test on his Amazon story. He declined the offer and then took one on his own, bringing the results to the show himself. They looked pretty legit. Until you looked on the back of the sheet where you saw the words “Exotic Spices” “Ponytail holders” and “ Jasmine Rub” crossed out. It was his shopping list. On the back of the lie detector results. He wrote it himself is what I am saying. Ugh.

Talk about going out on a high note.

Thanks for a great season everyone,
Wayne