YOUR SURVIVOR SAMOA KICK-OFF NEWSLETTER

Well, hello everyone. It’s that time once again. It’s time to SURVIVE!! I know. I can’t believe it either. I’m really, I don’t know, excited? Sure, why not.

This season takes place in Samoa, which is in the South Pacific. And I gotta be honest, its gonna be hard for me to say the word “Samoa” without sounding like Humpty Hump at the end of “the Humpty Dance.” Not that that’s a bad thing…but I just wanted to let you all know. I’ll drink a bottle of Hennessy you got on your shelf.

So, this first newsletter is to help everyone become acquainted with our latest round of ne’er-do-wells, slugabeds, and fools:

Ashley – says one of her biggest flaws is “speaking her mind.” She also says that she is a huge Survivor fan and one of the biggest lessons she has learned that will help her is to “be careful when you’re walking around because you don’t want to be medical’ed out of there.” Therefore, using deductive reasoning, I have come up with the following argument:

A. Ashley speaks her mind
B. Ashley said that, in 18 seasons of Survivor, the big lesson was to “be careful when walking around”
C. Therefore, Ashley’s mind is an idiot

Ben – is described by his friends as “a big hillbilly who will be rich someday.” Well, he had better get going on getting out in the yard and shooting some food with hopes that up from the ground comes a bubblin’ crude. Oil that is. Black gold. Texas tea. Because, according to my research, that’s really the only way hillbillies get rich. Well, that or by wrestling and carrying a 2x4.

Betsy – is a cop and her nickname is “Officer Friendly.” Weird. I knew an Officer Friendly once too. She came to break up a bachelor party I was attending. She was about to arrest the groom when she decided to join the party with sexy results. Everyone else seemed really into this, but I felt that Lady Justice truly wept that day. No, I’m serious…there was some other chick there named Lady Justice and she seemed really upset about Joey choosing Pacey in the Dawson’s Creek finale.

Brett – fulfilled his lifelong dream to launch a cause-based clothing line. Fulfilling dreams is cool. Like this one time, I had a dream that I went to the White House and met with the President and we came up with a plan to end world hunger and bring world peace at the same time. Then we executed it. Then I beat him in golf and he told me I was like the son he never had. So, when I woke up I went to McDonald’s and ordered two quarter-pounders. Huh? Oh, I had a dream I ate 2 Quarter Pounders the night before. They were delicious and it was one of the proudest moments of my life. FIST PUMP!!11

Dave – Dave’s nickname is “Danger.” That makes sense, because he not only has a degree in opera, but he was also a flight attendant and he claims that his innate intelligence has been “honed through years of playing strategy games.” And when I say it makes sense, I mean it in the same way it makes sense that the Griswolds never noticed that they had totally different kids on like every vacation they took.

Elizabeth – is not sure if she is going to tell her tribemates she is an attorney. I don’t know if I agree with that strategy. Keeping secrets ruins lives and relationships. Like, once, I dated this girl and I wasn’t totally up front with her about certain aspects of who I was. And I think it was a mistake, because when I finally took my shirt off and she saw that I had the body of a Greek God, I asked if she was ok with how naturally beautiful I was and she never called me again. After that, I decided to just put it out there at the beginning of a relationship. “Hi, my name is Wayne and my body is what some would call chiseled and perfect,” I would say. Most relationships never went beyond those initial introductions, but at least we got it out of the way early.

Erik – is, according to cbs.com, “a proud womanizer.” He also has “no qualms about chasing after a taken woman” because there is “nothing sweeter than taking another man’s goods.” Also, his favorite hobby is “skirt chasing.” It doesn’t say this, but I assume his other hobbies include “buying rohypnol,” “receiving restraining orders,” and “crying because I am so lonely inside.”

Jaison – thinks that winning Survivor is all about getting together with a core group of people. He thinks its about strategy and…and having drive…and…and…amibition….and…annnnnnd….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

John – Just seems like a real jerk. He claims he is a rocket scientist and a former pro soccer player who has good looks and charm. I hate good-looking, intelligent, and athletic people. They think they’re so great. “Oh, look at me…I can add a bunch of numbers together and my hair is all cool and watch me score a goal and blah blah blah.” Look, no one wants to hear it, ok?

Kelly – is pretty cute and she describes herself as a ‘free spirit.’ And you guys know what that means, right? Right? No, me neither.

Laura – refers to herself as a “fit version of Sarah Palin” because of similar religious beliefs and because her 18 year-old daughter also had a child. Sarah Palin, meanwhile, refers to herself as a “less insulting version of Laura” because of their differing opinions on what counts as a compliment.

Marisa – is a lot prettier than I expect most Appalachians to be. She was also born into a “blended” family with eight siblings. And by blended, she says she means that none of them have both the same mother and father. That feels much more Appalachian.

Mick – says that he is definitely a conversationalist, but topics that are off-limits include “ridiculous situations that people find themselves in.” Makes sense…He then added that he can’t wait to compete in an immunity challenge that involves him eating a cockroach while throwing a ceramic pig to his fellow tribemates. Hey…this guy is – wait for it – Ri-Mick-ulous!!!

Mike – braids his beard like Shazzan from the Hanna-Barbera World of Super Adventure. Well, not exactly like his beard, but I just wanted to use this as an excuse to say the Herculoids was an awesome show.

Monica – Once worked as Pocahantas at a “theme park.” Gee, I wonder which park. I really didn’t enjoy Pocahantas all that much. In fact, when it came out, I called it Poca-crap-is. See what I did there? I inserted the word “crap” into the title because I didn’t think I would enjoy the film all that much.

Natalie – is really quite attractive. Which blows my mind, since Natalie on the Facts of Life wasn’t. Also, Natalie plans to work in her background as a pharmaceutical sales representative into the game. Which means, I don’t know, free Oxycontin if someone throws a challenge?

Russell H. – according to cbs.com, “Russell Hantz’s personality speaks for itself when he proudly displays a missing tooth that he refuses to fix!” So he’s, what? Lazy? Uninsured? Cletus from the Simpsons? And why the exclamation point at the end of that sentence, cbs.com? Am I supposed to scream that sentence? Because I just did and the woman next to me is calling the cops. Hm? No, you’re right…I am home. Yes, the woman is my wife. Well, I actually think she’s calling the cops for an entirely different reason. It seems I am really drunk right now. And I may have just punched a hole in my TV. But can you blame me? They cancelled Mama’s Family. I know it was years ago, but it still stings.

Russell S. – Has made a vow that he will cut his dreadlocks if he wins the million. When I was a senior in high school, I made sort of the same deal. My family chipped in and paid me $100 to cut my mullet. And it was at that moment, I realized how important image is to my family, so I made it my lifelong ambition to be handsome. Mission. Accomplished.

Shannon – is, wow. Shannon is quite something. So, picture Billy Ray Cyrus wearing a headband. Got it? Now, imagine this Billy Ray Simmons person is driving a Harley. OK. Now, picture in your mind this wonder of an individual calling her Harley “Chunky.” Great, you got it. Now, your brain is as ruined as mine.

Yasmin – is nicknamed “Sassy Yassy” because she is opinionated and whatever. I guess she talks a lot too or some stuff. I don’t know. Yasmin, you’re the last person I have to write about, so sorry…I am pretty spent. Um, good luck this season.