SURVIVOR TOMATOSOUP EPISODE XIII: WHITE POWER RANGER IS TEH BEST EVAR

Hey everyone. Sorry about not writing a newsletter last week, but I did warn you I would be away at Disney last week. But I’m back baby! No, I swear. Yeah, I was totally gone. For like 8 days. Stop it. I know you missed me. Huh? It’s me. Wayne. The guy who writes those newsletters. About Survivor. What? Yeah, I send one a week. No…it’s Wayne. You’re such a jerk.

Anyways, a quick update on last week’s results. I only watched tribal council, so I really only know who got voted off. But, I can probably guess what happened in the rest of the episode. Andrea Zuckerman lied about something. White Power Ranger acted like Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Erinn scowled. In the end, we said goodbye to Andrea Zuckerman. And it looked like a pretty big blindside. Everyone voted for Andrea Zuckerman, except for White Power Ranger (who voted for HULK), and Andrea Zuckerman (who voted for White Power Ranger…duh duh duh). Sorry Andrea. But at least you still have this newsletter. Yep, every week. I swear. Check your junk folder.

So, this week’s episode started as most episodes do with everyone returning from tribal council. White Power Ranger was all distraught about how the vote turned out. I guess everyone was supposed to be voting for HULK. But, as I said, everyone else voted for Andrea Zuckerman. Except of course for Andrea Zuckerman, who voted for White Power Ranger. So, basically, everyone deceived White Power Ranger. But Andrea was the decievingest. Therefore, White Power Ranger is cool with everyone…except Andrea Zuckerman. There is a scale of deceit here…and it’s all relative. Which is not to be confused with West Virginia’s slogan, “We’re all relatives.” Did I really just go there? Heck yes I did. Though I do see where White Power Ranger is coming from though. Like in high school, everyone used to throw garbage at me, but Larry Birkenblaum was the only one who didn’t light it on fire or poo on it. He was my best friend. Until I found out he collected Hardy Boys books. What a dork!

The next day, White Power Ranger starts talking about how he does not want to go to SUPER DOOPER HOLY CRUD WHAT ISLAND. He is all of a sudden talking about asthma and a bad back and that he could not handle going because of these ailments. Then he put a thermometer under a hot water bottle and said that he couldn’t miss going to CRAP MY PANTS ISLAND because he has a big test today. Then, he set up a dummy and a snoring machine in his bed in case his parents came back home. Then he got chased by his principal and his sister and went to a Cubs game. Then he had a super hot girlfriend that I had a huge crush on when I was 10. Then he…BOW BOW CHICK CHICK CHICKA CHICKAHHHHHH DIDDY BOW BOW OOMA OOMA CHICKA CHICKAHHHH.

Gilbert and JT then decide that White Power Ranger is just making excuses because he is scared to go to OH.MAH.GOD ISLAND and that they should, therefore, send him over the next chance they get. Seems kind of mean to me. It’d be like if someone made me watch the trash barrel scenes from The Great Outdoors over and over again while reading aloud from Rascal. Right? Right? Oh…did I mention I was afraid of raccoons? Hmmm, that joke probably would have been funnier if I mentioned that first. Well, I think it would have been.

Raccoons are nature’s bandits. Vile creatures.

So, yeah, their plan is to send White Power Ranger over there to weaken him before the next immunity challenge. Guys, unless the challenge involves pathologically lying, being an annoyance, or pretending to be John Hatcher from Marked for Death, I think you’re safe. Dude, Steven Segal’s name in Marked for Death was John Hatcher. How awful of a hero name is John Hatcher. He was up against a dude named Screwface, for Christmas sake. Even if they just made it John Hatchet or something. But John Hatcher sounds like he should be running the neighborhood hardware store. He doesn’t sound like a ponytailed retired DEA agent out for revenge.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, all the tribe members had to make their way through a maze with their feet shackled together and grab this pole, see. And then they had to use this pole to retrieve a sandbag, which they would then use to knock down some targets and raise a flag. JT won. Because he is really the only one who is good at anything that involves standing and/or moving. He won an overnight reward at the Governor’s Retreat with a bed, shower, and food. He chose Gilbert to share it with him. And he got to send someone to WHAT WAS THAT? ISLAND. He, of course, said he would send White Power Ranger. I, of course, was on my third whiskey.

Now, here is where things really started to get AWESOME. White Power Ranger says he is going to take the “monastic approach.” He says he’s not gonna eat…he’s not going to build a fire. He is just going to meditate. Just such an incredibly White Power Ranger thing to say. He never disappoints. Then, Erinn stupidly chimes in with, “He’s gonna take the martyr approach” and that he diminishes all they are going through by constantly making his struggles seem more difficult. This was incredibly dumb. Why would she say that? At this point in the game? It just doesn’t make any sense. It makes even less sense than when Mama Cass guest starred on Scooby-Doo. Seriously, would any kid have been excited about that? Ooooooh, I can’t believe the big fat lady from the Mamas and the Papas is going to be on Scooby-Doo….Clear my schedule!

White Power Ranger, though, does not back down. In fact, he delivered what may be my favorite White Power Ranger gem of all time. After Erinn lays into him, he says that he wants this stay on SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE ISLAND to be tough on him and he then says in Goldmember style,

“Hit me with your best shot, Pat Benatar.”

Wow. This guy is perhaps one of my favorite people in the world. He actually added Pat Benatar at the end. Was he calling THE PROBST Pat Benatar? Or was he simply trying to impress us with his music knowledge prowess? And he went on, “Don’t Be Cruel, Elvis Presley, just because I am a Warrior, Scandal, and am going to stay on an Island in the Sun, Weezer. You Talk Too Much, Run DMC, and you are coming off as a Creep, Radiohead. I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor, and I’ll be Stronger, Britney Spears, because of this little Vacation, Go-Go’s so you can Eat It, Weird “Al” Yankovik”

Back at the camp, Erinn tells HULK she feels bad about what she said to White Power Ranger after the challenge. She is hoping this doesn’t get her voted off. HULK assures her, “WHITE POWER RANGER GO HOME. ERINN STAY. ERINN FRIEND. WHITE POWER RANGER GET VOTE OFF.”

OK, so I know I keep saying this was my favorite thing White Power Ranger ever did and that was my favorite thing White Power Ranger said and I want to father White Power Ranger’s baby, but this next little segment was really, really awe-inspiring…

We now get to White Power Ranger’s stay on DON’T GO IN THE WOODS ISLAND. And yes, it was everything you hoped it would be. I feel like I could write a whole newsletter about just this one part of the show. It starts with this really dramatic Kung-Fu type music accompanying White Power Ranger as he treks through the sand. And you just know something monumental is about to happen. Like right before you finally saw the light saber fight between Annakin and Obi-Wan. Except White Power Ranger is way more likeable than Hayden Christensen. And less whiny. And doesn’t spout off poorly written love-drive dialogue comparing the future mother of Luke Skywalker to sand. You know, looking at George Lucas, you’d think he’d know something about love. Right? Gah.

So, after his instrumentally accompanied sand walk, White Power Ranger drops this number on us, “It’s gonna be like the ancient American Indians that are my ancestors, used to go out into the wilderness for forty-eight hours and they would commune with the creator of the universe and they would become men.” So, I am all like, “American Indians? Check. Up-playing his struggle? Check. Faux-deep transcendental musings? Check.” So, I am thinking we got this White Power Ranger-ism out of the way. But he then continues, “Well I’m already a man so this would just make me…more of a man, but this is going to be an adventure.” It’s like he was be-awesome before and then it was all WHOAAA he just became even cooler. It’d be like if after Rocky knocked out Ivan Drago, he flew off to push the Moon out of its natural orbit and caused a solar eclipse, thus terminating Nuclear Man’s powers. We would call it Super Rockyman IV: The Quest for Drago’s Peace. Hmmm, actually…lets not call it that.

Then, White Power Ranger does what any dragonslayer would do and constructs a “dragon cane.” Well, he more picked up a stick than constructed it. Then what do you think he did? I tell you what…let’s make it multiple choice. He:

A.) Curled up and fell asleep
B.) Said “well, what a lovely day. I think I will go for a walk.”
C.) Started a fire successfully and appeared to know what he was doing
D.) Performed awful martial arts moves with his new dragonslayer cane

If you chose C, well….please stop reading and give Sylvan Learning Center a call. You need some help. Your brain has officially stopped functioning.

At the reward, JT and Gilbert first showered. Well, actually JT showered while Gilbert creepily sat outside and watched. Seriously. It was odd. And I am pretty sure they had to share a bed. And they called their Brazilian feast a “Meat Festival.” Hrm. Um. Moving on.

They then said that they were having second thoughts about voting out White Power Ranger after Erinn said all that crappy stuff to him prior to going to POO MY PANTS ISLAND. Then they toasted going to the final two together. Then they made a plan to meet each other at the top of the Empire State building on Valentine’s Day.

Back at SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE IT’S PEOPLE ISLAND, White Power Ranger is not done being awesomely awesome. He talks about the other places he has visited in the world and says, “Chock another one to the list: the dunes at Exile.” Yep…so, the Amazon, Mt. Everest, the Moon, The Land of Honnah Lee, Tattooine, The Pie Tin Palace, Mount Doom, Monstropolis, the bottom of the sea, and Scientist Jan Benes’ inner ear. He really has been everywhere…including, as of late, my nightmares.

Next up was the immunity challenge. White Power Ranger limps in with his dragonslayer cane, having not eaten, “ready” to play. When LUCIFER HIMSELF asks how it was, White Power Ranger says it was one of the best times of his life. Even better than the time he visited the year 3010. When he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again. What would White Power Ranger do?

So, the challenge was an endurance challenge. The tribemates had to stand on these footholds without falling off. Every fifteen minutes, they would have to switch to a smaller foothold. The last person left wins immunity. White Power Ranger tells SLAYER that he starved himself because he wanted to prove he still had mental strength despite his asthma and bad back and loose grip on reality. That’s a good plan. I think I’ll starve myself next time I need to get strong and do something physical. Then I will hug some snakes! Yes, I will HUG AND KISS SOME POISONOUS SNAKES!!!11

Now, that’s sarcasm.

The battle actually did come down to White Power Ranger and JT at the end. But, JT took the win. Not content to just lose graciously, White Power Ranger didn’t just fall off the footholds…he fell to the ground. And stayed there. He said that his back was spasming like crazy up there. Of course it was. THE DEVIL INCARNATE then asked if he wanted medical to look at it. White Power Ranger then replies, “Nope. If medical would really look at my back I wouldn’t be here, so no, please don’t let them look at my back.” He’s almost too over the top for me. How do I even write something that’s funnier than what he’s already saying? It would be like writing a parody of Airplane or Young Frankenstein. He brings the crazy all on his own….Doesn’t need my help anymore. My little White Power Ranger is all grown up. He growsed up and he growsed up and he growsed up.

Back at camp after the challenge, White Power Ranger congratulates JT on his win saying that if he didn’t have asthma and a slipped disc and vertigo and rheumatoid arthritis and lactose intolerance and explosive diarrhea, well, he still wouldn’t have won because JT “brought it.” Then, JT and Gilbert assure White Power Ranger that, even if he gets 2 votes from Erinn and HULK, they would be voting for Erinn tonight. “I swear on my Dungeon Master’s Guide,” says Gilbert, “GLAYYYYYVINNN!”

At tribal council, Erinn says that White Power Ranger downplayed her and everyone else’s experience there when he talked about how great it was on ZOINKS SCOOOOOB!!!! ISLAND. Then White Power Ranger responded the only way he knew how – with a poem, of course. He says, “With friend and foe we march to the battle plain, some to seek success, others to seek fame. We play with honor for the love of this game, and with armor or without, we will toil in vain, so that someday, someone, somewhere will remember our name.” Then he continued, “I really enjoy the music of House of Pain. Do you like my dragon cane? The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. Lame Lame Lame. Day by day, by day, by day.” Also, if someone remembers their name, will they have toiled in vain? I am pretty much 100% sure that he never has any idea what anything he says actually means. But “toil in vain” sounds like something Richard Carradine may have said, so it works for White Power Ranger.

So, in the end, Erinn and HULK did end up voting for White Power Ranger, but so did Gilbert. This left JT and White Power Ranger as the only two who voted for Erinn. And with that, we say goodbye to potentially the most entertaining Survivor contestant ever.

Don’t forget that this Sunday is the finale…and the reunion show. Which should be interesting. White Power Ranger got some ‘splainin to do.

Until next time,
Wayne