Here we go again on our own. Goin’ down the only road we’ve ever known.
So, ok….and I know this is going to sound crazy. But I actually found myself quite entertained watching Survivor: Samoa’s first episode. I know. I am pretty ashamed of myself. I don’t know how it happened. But it could have something to do with the fact that I was eating a great sandwich (grilled chicken, bacon, cheese, avocado, Ranch dressing on focaccia) and drinking a 40 of King Cobra while I was watching it. I mean, with that combination going on, I could have been watching an hour of Kathie Lee talking about Cody and Cassidy and I probably would have been like, “Cody used to do what? He used to sing ‘If They Could See Me Now’ while he played with his boats in the bathtub? OH MY GOD THAT’S HILARIOUS!!” Take my review of the show with a grain of salt is what I am saying to you right now.
So the show started with THE DEVIL’s voiceover saying something-or-another about Samoa and what not…island shot, water shot, random animal shot, tribe members rowing…and he says that this is THE BIGGEST CAST OF SURVIVOR EVERRRR!!!!! I know. Super exciting. In most seasons, they have 18. BUT IN THIS SEASON THEY HAVE 20 OH MY GOD SERIOUSLLLYYY????!!!! Wait a tick. That’s like. Well. That’s like. 2 more? Woo. Hoo.
They all arrive on the beach and we learn that they have already been split into two tribes – Galu (Purple - Brett, John, Russell Swan, Dave, Monica, Shambo, Yasmin, Laura, Kelly and Erik) and Foa Foa (Yellow - Ben, Jaison, Mick, Russell Hantz, Mike, Marisa, Liz, Betsy, Natalie and Ashley). Again, I really want to know where some of these people think they are going on these boats. High heels? A sweater vest? Its like that scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where Renee Zellwegger shows up in a bunny suit to a party where no one else was wearing a costume. Oh my gosh that scene was delicious. Uh…what? I mean. Huh? It’s like that scene from that movie about NASCAR where all the guys were beating up those other guys and then they had sex with all those hot chicks!!!! Isn’t football and hunting the best?
Then LUCIFER said that everyone had to write down who they think should be the leader for their tribe just based on first impressions. And everyone wrote down things like “black guy in sweater vest” or “chick in orange dress” or “woman with mullet.” One guy actually wrote “more handsome than Lennox Lewis” about one of the guys. Which was odd. Everyone laughed sort of awkwardly at it to be polite. It’d probably be like watching Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting right next to you. “No no…yeah, I get it. That’s totally funny and in no way really off-putting how Danny DeVito got you pregnant. Just please don’t hurt me.”
In the end, Galu selected Russell. It was close, though. Shannon was a close second and she offered up this little tidbit – “I was in the United States Marine Corps and Rambo had the same bandana I had, so everybody was like, ‘Shannon, Rambo – Shambo,’ so that’s my game name and that’s what I’m here to do is play.” I swear I wasn’t in her battalion. It also sucks because I would love to put “sh” in front of other Sylvester Stallone movies and have that be her nickname for the season instead – Shobra, Shiffhanger, Shock-up, Shop or My Mom Will Shoot – but I already sort of did that one season. Then I started thinking, wow…look at what my life has become. I am actually upset that I can’t call someone a rotating list of Sylvester Stallone movies because I already did it once before. Let that one sink in for a while. Yeah. Feel better about whatever you’re doing these days? I thought so.
We are seriously like 2 minutes into the show and I am already over a page.
Foa Foa selected Mick. Probably because he can “eat thunder and crap lightning.” Ugh, again with the Stallone movies? Seriously? I could quite possibly be the worst writer ever.
Then the leaders have their first task in front of them. They have to pick fellow tribe members for specific tasks – they have to pick the best swimmer, stongest, most agile, and most intelligent members of their tribes. Again, this is mainly based on first impressions. I won’t bore you with all their choices, but there were a couple of stand-outs here. Mick picked Jaison as the best swimmer. I guess there is a stereotype that African-Americans are not good swimmers? I didn’t know that, but Shazzan (yay…first nickname!) said, “Afro Americans aren’t known to be swimmers, you know?” I didn’t know. Who says TV doesn’t teach us things? Turns out he was on the water polo team. So there you go, Shazzan. Then he later picked Elizabeth as most intelligent. She thinks he did that only because she is Asian. And its like…man, I wish I had a stereotype like that. I am an Italian-Irish-Frenchman. So, yeah, according to stereotypes…I am a drunk, hairy, coward. I hate stereotypes. Especially when they’re true. Sad face.
Also, he chose Russell H. as the strongest. I guess. I mean, he’s basically this short, fat dude. Who wears an awful hat. He looks sort of like Mr. Spacely. Well, he actually reminded me more of Mr. Peebles if he stole Magilla Gorilla’s hat. But, honestly, I can’t make a ton of jokes out of Mr. Peebles, so I am going with Mr. Spacely. JETSON!!!! Right? Right??? HAHAHAHAHA!!!111 Erm…damn, I’m out.
OK, so then comes the reward challenge. And it involves swimming fast for a key, then handing it off to the strong guy to unlock and carry these big logs (logs…heh), which are set up as steps for the agile one to climb up and maneuver over this beam thing to hand off the key to the smart one to unlock a puzzle. Got it…great, because I ain’t repeating myself.
In the swimming portion, Jaison (emPHAsis on the second sylLAble) took off and blew the other rocket scientist dude out of the water. WORDPLAY!!! Then Mr. Spacely went ahead and lifted the logs pretty well for Marisa to climb over them and give us our first blurred body part of the season. Pssst – it was her breasts. Then she handed off to Elizabeth for her puzzle-solving. She did well…although Shannon did actually catch up to her and almost overtook her, despite wearing a headband and having a fe-mullet.
So, Foa Foa won fire. In the form of flint. Super.
When Foa Foa comes back to camp, while everyone else is building a shelter, Mr. Spacely starts his evil scheming. He decides to try and align with basically every single female. He calls all of them except Betsy his “dumb girl alliance.” Now, keep in mind he is not aligning with all of them as a group, but rather aligning with each of them separately. Also, he is doing this in a pair of boxer briefs. So, picture Mr. Spacely in nothing but boxer briefs and a Magilla Gorilla hat and you will understand why that 40 of King Cobra was totally gone by now. He describes his moves like so, ““I got an alliance with the dumb short-haired blonde, the even dumber long-haired blonde and the dark haired girl. I’d like to call it my dumb-ass girl alliance.” Which seems ok, since all the girls called it their “Guy I Would Never Sleep With Alliance.”
Also, Ashley is sporting the nose ring. People still get those? I thought those went way out of style with B.U.M. Equipment and Tony Toni Tone. I remember when Tony Toni Tone exploded onto the scene in the early 90’s. It was a simple time full of Swatch watches and tight-rolls. And I remember the moment I saw their video I was like, “Wow, there are three ways to spell the name Tony.” Then I turned on Family Matters. Oh that Urkel. He was so nerdy.
Galu, meanwhile, head back to their camp with no reward. And we get to see Russell S.’s leadership style. Not bad, though ultra-positive. And he sounds a lot like Grover from Sesame Street. Hello, it is I your favorite furry blue monster asking you if you would like to build a shelter with me. You know who was awesome? Forgetful Jones.
Also, John is not making many friends with people in his tribe because he is “all talk, no action.” Man, if I had a nickel, right?
So here comes awesome part #1. As Foa Foa is laying down to sleep, Mr. Spacely starts telling this story about how lived in New Orleans when Katrina hit and how he was in his house with his dog, Rocky, when the levy broke. Then he described how he lost Rocky once the house flooded with water. Then all the women cried. Then he told us he made it all up. He never lived in New Orleans and he never owned a dog. Remember when I said White Power Ranger was like my favorite person ever from Survivor? Well, Mr. Spacely could maybe beat him. And, honestly, only in my online fan-fiction could I even have imagined a battle between Mr. Spacely and the White Power Ranger. And, honestly, I have written about that in my online fan-fiction. At the end, they figure out that Henry the fix-it man was actually an evil cohort of Rita Repulsa’s and he programmed Rosie to make up the whole story about how Cogswell was employing the Power Rangers to infiltrate Spacely Sprockets and steal trade secrets. After this was uncovered, Spacely, White Power Ranger, Astro, and Orbity all set off to find…oh no…wait. I have said too much. If you want to hear the rest, you’ll have to read it yourself – visit my site…www.Janegetmeoffthiscrazythingcalledadventure.com.
So, yeah…that was awesome part #1. Here comes #2. After everyone falls asleep, Mr. Spacely goes ahead and empties out the water in everyone’s canteens. Then he burns Jaison’s socks in the fire. Then he drew a big pentagram and summoned the Ghoulies from the bowels of Hell to wreak havoc within the camp and pop out of toilets and rip off the Gremlins. Okay, so that last part wasn’t true, but I wouldn’t put it past this guy. He makes THE PROBST look like Princess Sparkle the Friendly Unicorn.
His plan works too. The next morning, the whole tribe is arguing and utter chaos has ensued. Human sacrifice…dogs and cats living together…mass hysteria!
The next day, the tribes meet for the Immunity Challenge. As they meet, THE PRINCE OF ALL THAT IS WRONG asks Grover what he thinks about his tribe. “Tough as nails, Jeff” he responds. And then he goes on to say that they are the best group of people he has ever known and how he would like to marry each and every one of them and have all of their babies or some crap. Ben, from Foa Foa then says that those are things “losers say.” Which I don’t agree with. Losers say things like, “Beyonce had the best video.” HEY-OH!!!!!! CURRENT EVENTS JOKES!!!1111 JAY LENO!!!
The challenge involved running over big triangle things and then pulling a big box of puzzle pieces and then constructing a puzzle. Galu worked much better together as a team mainly because that tribe isn’t full of big dumb idiots. So, in the end, Galu won. And I so expected Grover to come back and say something like, “oh, who is the loser now.” But he didn’t. Which shouldn’t surprise me. Because Grover isn’t the type of monster to rub things in. Except for that one time when Oscar lost Slimy at the Grouch of the Year Awards. Grover was all, “Scram that biznatch!!” To be fair, Grover had just pounded a whole bottle of Mad Dog. “I thought it was Grape Juice,” answered the intoxicated Muppet.
So, back at Foa Foa, they had to decide who to vote out. It seems like they are all gonna vote Ashley at first probably because of her ill-timed face jewelry. But then Marisa tells Mr. Spacely she doesn’t trust him. So he is all, “JETTSONNNN!!!” and decides to conspire against Marisa by telling the rest of the tribe to vote her off.
At tribal, it is obvious to BEELZEBUB that this tribe is not doing well. Ben and Marisa obviously hate each other. Probably because Marisa is attractive and Ben has had sex with livestock. However, it looks like Spacely’s plan has worked, because a lot of them are going against Marisa. Except for Betsy, who points to Ashley as the weakest member of the tribe. Ashley is stunned because she says she does a lot of cardio. Whatever it is, its working. Get it? What I mean to say is that working out is, ahem, working out. Right? She is an attractive is what I am saying to you now.
In the end, though, Spacely’s plan works and they vote out Marisa, sending her back to backwoods somewhere-or-another. Bye Marisa.
Until next time,
Wayne
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