So, Survivor continues to surprise me with its high level of entertainment and low level of suckitude. Typically, once a show goes downhill, it keeps on sliding. Like Happy Days after Fonzie started hanging out with that little chick from Poltergeist. Or Saved by the Bell after they started attending college. Or Laverne & Shirley after they moved to California. So, Laverne and Shirley move to California and everyone else follows? Frank, Edna, Lenny, Squiggy, AND the Big Ragu? Totally makes sense. Almost makes as much sense as the fact that both Laverne and Shirley seemed to have been seen as attractive by the men on that show. I mean, they even dated the Fonz. THE FONZ!!11 They were no Pinky Tuscadero, that’s for sure.
Anyyyyyways.
The show started with Foa Foa coming back from tribal council and Mr. Spacely bragging about the fact that he was instrumental in voting off Marisa. “She’s a strong woman, and I can’t have that,” he notes. Which I guess I understand. I mean, Mrs. Spacely is always on his case about something or another. Like when they played the Jetsons on Family Fallout and lost, despite Mrs. Spacely pushing Mr. Spacely to cheat to win. Well, they sort of lost. The Jetsons won a new Foodarackacycle (I just googled to make sure I spelled it right…and I did. I am teh awesome) for sure, but the Spacely’s won a lifetime supply of Cogswell Cogs. OH THE IRONY!!!!!!111
So, after that, Mr. Spacely approaches Betsy to talk to her about why she didn’t vote alongside him in tribal, opting to write down Ashley’s name instead. She said she just doesn’t trust him. Then she says she’s not afraid to stand up to him. And I am not afraid to stand up to polluters. Swamp Thing told me that I shouldn’t litter even though HEY OMAR, LOOK AT HOW THAT CUP ACTS LIKE A BOAT IN THE WATER!!
Over at Galu, Yasmin is having a hard time adjusting to outdoor life. Yasmin complains that, while Dave looks great, she feels pretty gross. And she is left wondering why. Dave has an answer for her – “Cause you’re funky baby,” he replies. I really don’t know what that means and what it has to do with not liking the outdoors, but then again I am just not all that hip. Like just yesterday a youth approached me and asked me about the “hizzy in the shizzy.” I, of course, doused him with pepper spray and yelled “Stranger Danger” over and over again until the mall security guard Segway’ed over to us. Turns out he was just trying to sell me a new wireless carrier. So, in the end, I felt like I performed a pretty valuable community service, so I treated myself to a cinnamon sugar pretzel and a REGULAR Coke. I made a difference!
So, back at Foa Foa, JaiSON and Mr. Spacely have a conversation which leads Mr. Spacely to tell JaiSON he is going to go searching for the hidden immunity idol before anyone even gets a clue as to its whereabouts. So, these two have formed an unlikely little alliance. The short fat bald dude who empties canteens and burns socks and the tall athletic dude who gets his canteens emptied and socks burnt. Hey, according to MC Skat Kat, Opposites Attract, so that’s cool:
Spacely’s short
And JaiSON is tall
Yeah they’ve got differences
But they’ll do it all
Spacely’s hat
Is awful, at best
JaiSON’s mistake
Is the sweater vest
JaiSON seems nice
And his intentions are clear
Spacely’s belly hangs over his UN-DER-WEAR
Two Steps Forward
I take two steps back
We go together
Cuz Op-posites Attract.
Paula Abdul be crazy, y’all.
So, Spacely decides to search for the idol while everyone else is eating a lizard that Ben killed by smashing against a tree. Yep. The crazy thing…he finds the idol inside the hollow of a tree and he stuffs it in his boxer briefs, while everyone is looking at him. Pretty impressive. I mean, you can call Spacely underhanded, annoying, condescending, out-of-shape, awful, disgusting, mean, deceptive, non-toned, bald, fashion-challenged, cocky, and without any redeeming qualities.
..
What? No, that was all I wanted to say.
So, JaiSON is excited when Spacely shows him the idol, but the note attached says that it belongs to whoever finds it and no one else. JaiSON is a bit put-off by this, but says he trusts Spacely a lot more now. Which is smart. Oh wait, did I say smart? I meant completely idiotic.
Then Betsy and Shazzan leave to go get treemail and Shazzan says that, even though he is an all-powerful genie, he fears they are on the chopping block because they are the two oldest in the tribe. He tells us that he sees the next challenge as his chance to prove his worth. Then he was disappeared because Chuck and Nancy touched their rings together and shouted “Shazzan!” “Ho-ho-HO” he said. Then they flew off on Kaboobie were separated by an evil genius so they couldn’t summon Shazzan again. Why didn’t they just make the wish that Shazzan never leave their side? I mean, this happened in like every single episode. They fly around on Kaboobie, get caught by some bad guy, get separated, and then have to get back together to summon Shazzan. I also don’t really get why Chuck and Nancy even ever wanted to return home. They had a genie at their disposal AND a flying camel and they wanted to return to Maine? Look, I like salt water taffy and outlet shopping as much as the next guy, but c’mon….Kaboobie.
What? Are you telling me there is more to Maine than salt water taffy and outlet shopping? You’re a damned dirty liar.
Oh, right…back to tree mail. So the tree mail indicates that this challenge will be a battle and the Survivors are instructed to paint their faces like Samoan warriors, who apparently modeled their face-painting techniques after members of KISS. Yeah, you know…the Starchild, the Demon, the Spaceman, and…the Cat? The Cat? Are you serious, Mr. Criss? Oooooh, so mystical. A cat. The makeshift Halloween choice for poor little girls everywhere. Yeah, it was between “The Cat,” ‘The Hobo,” or “The Bedsheet Ghost.” Beth, I hear you callin…but I can’t come right now. Me and the boys are playin. And my leotard just ripped.
Then comes the challenge. In this reward/immunity challenge, three members from each tribe had to battle in a mud pit to retrieve these balls, while three others waited up on a platform to get these balls thrown to them, and then try to shoot them into the opposing team’s basket. First team with three baskets wins immunity and fishing gear. And they were kicking the crap out of each other down there. Hey, remember when mud wrestling was all sexy and awesome? Thanks Survivor for ruining everything. It quickly got tied up and THE DEVIL INCARNATE had to stop the game to issue a warning that if he sees anyone pull a cheap shot on someone else, they are out of the game.
In the third round, tensions flare…Ben first pushes Yasmin into a fence and then he kicks Grover in the back of the leg, which causes LUCIFER to pull him out of the game. The first person ever to be pulled out of a challenge. Whoop-de-doo. Also, he was the first person to ever kick Grover in the leg. Even that blue guy that always had his order screwed up when Grover was his waiter never kicked him in the leg. And I totally would have seen that as justified. But why would that guy keep going back to that restaurant? I mean, they even ran out of food once and only had milk left. But then they were all out of glasses and…and…he…he offers him a pocketful of milk. Man, that’s hilarious. Yeah, I probably would have gone back too.
After that happens, Galu scores again. Then, Shazzan takes a big hit and is left looking pretty stunned. Which shouldn’t have been a surprise. Shazzan has really let himself go since his Kaboobie days. In fact, he’s really developed his own set of Kaboobies.
…
…
…
Is this thing on?
So, in the end, Galu won…and there was a TWIST. The leader of Galu gets to send one member of the tribe to spend the day with Foa Foa to gather information and sit in on Tribal Council. Grover selects Yasmin. And then, MEPHISTOPHELES tells Shazzan that he has to meet with the doctors. After checking his blood pressure and having him stand up and sit down, they decide he is unfit to continue. “Ho-Ho-WHAT??” he says. So, with that, Shazzan and his enormous gut are asked to go home. Maybe he should have, I don’t know, worked out a little beforehand. But what do I know? I’m just in superb physical shape.
So, over at Galu, with fishing gear in hand, Richard Simmons was all “Hey, I can fish and then we can sweat to the oldies and deal meals or whatever.” However, when she gets out there, she has little luck. Oh, and she loses part of the snorkel. Wahhh-Wahhhh. Laura says that, in doing that, Richard Simmons has “signed her own death warrant.” Which seems like a stupid thing to do, I would think. Signing your own death warrant.
Over at Foa Goa, Yasmin isn’t making any friends. She starts off her time there by saying the following: “I’m here to help you guys strategize because, to me, I don’t like a not fair fight. It’s almost like why be matched up with people that’s not matched up with the right people cause then it’s like taking candy from a baby.” It is almost like being matched up with people that’s not matched up with the right people. Her statement was both arrogant and confusing. Much like my Uncle Phil, who used to say he was “as handsome as peanut brittle.”
Then Yasmin takes things a bit further with Ben when she pulls him aside. She is unhappy that he “tackled her like a dude.” He then defends himself by calling her “grammar school” to make fun of her manner of speaking. Which I totally didn’t understand. I would probably call someone “grammar school” if they corrected people’s grammar all the time. But this is sort of the opposite of that. It’d be like calling Megan Fox “Acting School” or calling Lady Gaga “Singing School” or calling Kate Moss “Rehab for Cocaine Addiction.”
Ben then went on to say she was “pretty close to being a hooker.” I didn’t totally understand that. I didn’t see any resemblance between her and a veteran police sergeant played by William Shatner.
Ohhhhhh…now I get it. Damn, that was cold.
Ben continues to make a jackass of himself later that night. He spends the entire night chopping wood with a machete as everyone is trying to sleep. Ben is not very smart. Which is an understatement much in the way “Delta Burke gained a little weight after Designing Women” is an understatement. This annoys everyone and the next morning people are contemplating whether they should vote off Ben or Betsy. One is old…and one is awful. Most seem to still think they should vote out Betsy, except Ashley. But she has a nose ring, so I didn’t expect anyone would listen to her. Though both Salt and Pepa had nose rings and they taught me all about SHOOP SHOOP AY OOP SHOOP AY OOPAYOOPAYOOP.
Tribal Council was pretty heated that night, with Ben calling out Yasmin as being “ghetto trash.” This dude…is calling someone else trash. Whatevs Jethro…Then, as there was any doubt, Mr. Spacely backs ol’ Jethro up saying that he didn’t like how Yasmin called them all babies. JaiSON, however, pulls away and says that, yeah, he didn’t like what Yasmin said but it was sort of true. They needed to win on the field. So, stop all your bellyaching and get out there and win. Just put down that Dungeon’s Master guide, take off your cleric’s robe, and GET OUT THERE AND WIN FOR YOUR FAMILY OK DAD STOP YELLING I AM NOT YOU I DON’T WANT YER LIFE!!!!!11
Whoa, what…what happened?
Ahem.
Then Ben was asked if he felt bad about his poor sportsmanship in the challenge. Of course he said no. I am pretty sure Foa Foa stands for “abundance of a-holes.”
In the end, though, Betsy’s oldness trumped Ben’s doink-ness. So, they voted out Betsy, with her giving the only Ben vote.
Until next time,
Wayne
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