Hey everyone. Sorry about the delay in writing the newsletter this week, but work got in the way. No worries though…I quit my job. I figure writing this for you guys every week is worth it. Plus, I can finally focus on my true passion – macramé Smurf wallets. I am just finishing my first one…it’s a picture of Papa Smurf at a computer and it says ‘My Smurfbook status is: Smurfy.” Heh. Score one for the good guys! I don’t really know what that last sentence even meant, but whatever. Its been almost a week since the last episode. I need filler.
So, the episode opens on the Foa Foa tribe and JaiSON is very upset with the way Cletus was laying into Yasmin the day before when he called her “ghetto trash.” The thing JaiSON doesn’t understand is, for Cletus, ghetto trash is a compliment. In fact, his very next sentence was, “If I’m a gonna win that million, I am a gonna buy me a pair a new blue jeans and put up some new Christmas lights in my trailer – Those ones shaped like Jalapeno Peppers. I am gonna be so ghetto trash!” Then he married his cousin and punched a grease pig. His opinion should be taken with a grain of salt is what I am saying to you now.
After that, Mr. Spacely approached Natalie about who she was going to vote out, but Natalie informed him she would wait and see based on what unfolded that day. Then she started talking about the time Blair read her diary and they had to institute all these privacy rules, like “No reading over someone else’s shoulder” and then she neglected to tell Blair about her botched chemistry experiment, causing it to spill all over Mrs. Garrett and make her stink right before her big presentation. Filler, man.
Then Mr. Spacely said, “This might be the worst group in history, and I might be the best. I’m gonna have them all under control like zombies walking around.” Which made me think of the fact that I saw that Zombieland movie this weekend and it led me to decree, “Zombies are like the bacon of movies. They make everything better.” So, I’d like to start that…”_____is like the bacon of _____” For example, “Cowbell is like the bacon of music” or “Scarlett Johansson is like the bacon of anything possible.”
Later that day, Cletus tried to help his tribemates by instructing them how to use a flint. When Mick tried to use it, however, he failed miserably. Much like me in that last paragraph when I tried to make something out of an inane zombie comment.
Meanwhile, over at Galu for 2 of the five seconds they got shown in this episode, a bunch of people we don’t know because Foa Foa’s awfulness at everything has shifted the focus dramatically are doing yoga. And Richard Simmons is not happy. “Screw yoga!” she says. Probably because the influx of yoga and other more holistic exercise routines have made extinct people’s need for Sweating to Oldies and card-based diet initiatives. But don’t lose heart, RS…the world still loves to watch fat people whine – just look at the success of The Biggest Loser. And More to Love. And Michael Moore.
Over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely tells Cletus that Ashley wanted to vote him out at the last tribal council. He does this to “stir the pot.” Then, of course, like the monosyllabic dolt that he is, Cletus falls for the trap and goes and starts some mess with Ashley. Meanwhile, Mr. Spacely says to us, “You plant that little seed in their head, in their little brain, and then it grows, and it’s called a Russell seed. It takes over their whole mind, so that makes it easy for me to manipulate every single one of them.” Since I am fighting every urge in my body to make an inappropriate joke, I will instead opt to do a series of locker jokes from noted Canadian television masterpiece You Can’t Do That on Television:
Alistair: (opening locker) Hey Moose.
Moose: (opening locker) Yes Alistair?
Alistair: Did you hear that Mr. Spacely said some crazy crap just now about taking over other people’s minds?
Moose: He did?
Alistair: Yeah, I heard he’s trying to sublet his in the meantime, but the building inspector had it condemned.
Moose: (rolls eyes; closes locker)
Alistair: (closes locker)
Alanis: (opens locker) Hey Wyatt!
Wyatt: (opens locker) Yes Alanis?
Alanis: Did you know that men are evil scum that should be punished for everything THEY DID TO ME!!!!??? I’m here to remind you. Of the mess you made when you went away.
Wyatt: (closes locker; calls 911)
What do you think’s in the burgers??
Back at Galu, they receive treemail. And in it, they find swimsuits for everyone. Obviously, Mark Burnett realizes that there is a plethora of attractive women on here. And they know it too. Because the three girls – Monica, Kelly, and Yasmin – decide to pose like Charlie’s Angels. Of course, Richard Simmons is also on the tribe. I guess she’s Bosley.
Next up was another combo Immunity/Reward challenge. And its also another “beat the crap out of the other tribe” challenge. In it, each tribe has to send two people out at a time to retrieve these crates to be stacked in a Rubik’s cube sort of thing. However, getting to the crates would be a challenge as each tribe had to employ a defender that could tackle the crate retrievers. Remember in the 80’s when, on the heels of the success of Trans-Robots, every toy got its own cartoon? Well, this was even true for Rubik. Yep, they slapped a creepy blue face on him and gave him special powers and BAM – cartoon. It made sense to me. I mean, I remember sitting there, peeling the stickers off my Rubik’s cube saying, “Gosh, this thing is so cute…I wish it had a backstory that involved an evil magician and I wish Menudo would sing the theme song. And…and I wish that my Ram-Man figure would come to life and beat up all the kids that made fun of me. And I wish that my Teddy Ruxpin could tell my Grandpa that I don’t want to massage his feet. The 80’s - a decade where every social recluse’s dream can come true. Well, not every one – I mean, aside from the Rubik’s cube/Menudo thing, the rest were only true in my sketch pad.
So, yeah…a lot of people beat up a lot of other people. But in the end, guess who won. C’mon guess. Foa Foa? Congratulations. You are officially a big huge idiot.
Of course Galu won.
And after they won, THE PRINCE OF UNHOLY FIRE asked Grover to join him because he had a choice to make. He has to choose between a comfort reward (pillows, blankets, and towels) and a function reward, consisting of a tarp, pots, and fishing gear. He chose comfort. Therefore, Grover is dumb. And this led me to proclaim to my children that they cannot watch Sesame Street anymore. To which my oldest said, “Daddy, you already told us we couldn’t watch that show because Big Bird reminded you of this blazing yellow phoenix you once saw on an aspid trip.” To which I replied, “No no…acid trip Son. Acid trip.” Kids are so precious.
Oh, and Grover sends Richard Simmons over to observe the other tribe. And they love her. Because she is super positive. And she tells Mick that they call him McDreamy over at the Galu. I wish my name was Mick. No, not because I’d like to be called McDreamy. I would prefer McDLT. Cool head and hot on the bottom. That’s what I would say. When girls would ask me why they call me McDLT. I would say that. In a perfect world. Sad face.
Also, Richard Simmons refers to her other tribe members as the “90210 clique.” Which I would think was a compliment. Unless you were, of course, the Andrea Zuckerman of the group. Or the Scott-the-kid-who-shot-himself of the group.
Also, cbs.com says that Richard Simmons called them the “90210 click.” OMFG!!!!!1111CBS.COM IS SO PWNED!!!!!!!!!1TTL N00BS!!!!!111111111111
As tribal council looms, JaiSON is sticking to his plan of voting out Cletus. He says that he plans to leave if they don’t go with him and vote out Cletus. Such a baby. I once tried the same thing. I got in a fight with my brother because I wanted to watch Strawberry Short..I mean Baseball and I told my mom if she didn’t sell my brother on the black market, I would totally leave home. Well, she obviously heard me, because next thing I know, I wake up tied to a door handle in the back of a painter’s van. I was pretty upset about it then, but it taught me a tough lesson – how to kill a man with only a popsicle stick, a little bit of ingenuity, and a lot of moxie.
Mr. Spacely still wants to vote out Ashley so he decides to ensure Mick is with him by showing him his hidden immunity idol. This makes Mick trust Mr. Spacely more and Mr. Spacely thinks he has another vote for Ashley locked in. Mr. Spacely then says, “It’s simple. I was born for this. This is what God made me for.” Its great when you have realizations like that. For example, just last weekend I bought a package of Double-Stuf Oreos on Saturday. By Monday, they were gone. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. Even better than the time I saved my friend Cassandra’s grandfather’s house by winning the annual Regatta and besting Teddy Beckerstead and I drew crazy cartoons that came to life and my friend George got stuck in the sand under this guy who ate a whole can of chili on the beach and DOG FROM MARS DOG FROM MARS. Man, that was one crazy summer.
Getting closer to tribal council, JaiSON continues to make his case, despite everyone saying that they need Cletus to win challenges. Even though Cletus has done nothing in any of these challenges besides get kicked out of them. He contributes less to the success of his team than Lucas did. Yeah, Lucas. As we headed into tribal, Mr. Spacely says that he really wants to keep these guys’ trust, so he says he is thinking of voting out Cletus.
At tribal, JaiSON confronts Cletus about calling Yasmin “ghetto trash” and BEELZEBUB gives him a chance to apologize. Of course, he does not. Because he’s an “outlaw”…much like the Frito Bandito – yeah, he was an outlaw, but really when your only crime is stealing delicious Fritos corn chips, how intimidating do you think you really are. Though it is crazy he carried a gun. Man, he really loved his corn chips.
So, upon refusing to apologize, Cletus sealed his fate it seems. He received all the votes except one, making him the third person voted out of Survivor:Samoa. It’s a good thing Moonshine thrives in a recession.
Until next time,
Wayne
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