What is being up, peeps? Are people still saying “peeps”? Speaking of peeps…Once, when I was visiting New York, I went to this place called ‘Peep World’ near Penn Station and I visited the so-called ‘peep booths’ in the back. Yeah, let’s just say they were sorely lacking in delicious chick-shaped marshmallow treats. Talk about false advertising.
And what is the deal with airplane food?
So, the show started last night with Foa Foa treading familiar ground back from tribal council. JaiSON just seemed deflated and worn down. “I came here to have an adventure, but frankly, I right now believe that coming here was the worst decision I have made in my entire life,” he said. You know, I think I said that same exact thing to the police when I broke into that nursing home back in ’98. Oh well, I bet I gave them a great story to tell their grandkids if they EVER FIND THE TIME TO VISIT. Ungrateful little monsters.
Mr. Spacely attempts to comfort JaiSON by telling him if they win the next challenge everything will be hunky-dory, but JaiSON wasn’t receptive to his comforting ways. This, of course, prompts Spacely to say JaiSON is next to be voted off. Damn, Spacely is a fickle son of a gun, eh? He turned on JaiSON faster than that monkey turned on that wheelchair dude in Monkey Shines. How great is it that they made a movie about a helper monkey gone crazy? What a country. In America, the car drives you. What?
And back at Galu? Richard Simmons is wishing she was on Foa Foa. After she spent time over there, RS is now seeing her tribe as a bunch of…wait for it…Ga-losers. Be careful what you wish for, Richard Simmons. This reminds me of the time in The Brady Bunch when Mike wanted to be the Mom and Carol wanted to be the Dad. Mike had to help Marcia earn her cooking badge while Carol had to give the boys baseball tips. A man? Cooking? And a woman? Giving baseball tips? Since when did The Brady Bunch become science fiction? Right? Am I right? Now, go baseball…score a home goal!!11
Then Erik (??) approaches Richard Simmons and says, “look, if there is a hidden immunity idol over there, I am sure there is one over here in the same spot” and then he gets Richard Simmons to tell him and John the clues she read over at Foa Foa. She says, “That can do nothing but help me going forward…and maybe it won’t. Maybe it will hurt me, but we’ll see.” It’s a good plan. Much in the way it was a good plan on the part of Patrick Dempsey to work as a pizza delivery boy/male prostitute to get his girlfriend back. How preposterous is that? Believe me, its crazy preposterous. The summer I worked at Domino’s, I tried it too…first time someone ordered “extra anchovies” I delivered the pizza in my robe. Turned out it was a bunch of dudes playing Dungeons & Dragons in their mother’s basement. I left there that night betrothed to a Cave Troll and covered in Doritos dust. And that’s all I am gonna say about that.
Over at Foa Foa, JaiSON grabs the treemail which instructs the leader to select two members of his tribe to join him for an unknown challenge. Mick chooses Mr. Spacely for his brute strength and Natalie for her “puzzle-solving skills.” Natalie. For her puzzle-solving skills. If any of you watched this show, you would understand how comical that is. It’d be like choosing Dina Lohan for her parenting skills. Or Tonya Harding for her good sportsmanship. Or Plaxico Burress for his responsible handling of firearms.
But whatever. They head out and meet the Galu team – Russell, Dave and Richard Simmons. And on the beach they see a closed chest and a crate full of chickens. And both tribes are just standing there. Both tribes on opposite ends of the beach just sort of waiting for instructions and not doing anything. Just standing there. Silent. It felt a lot like one of my junior high dances. Except replace chickens with punch and chips and replace closed chest with a heightened level of self-consciousness and burgeoning, confusing hormones covered in a Champion sweatshirt, turtleneck, Skidz, and a whole bottle of Drakkar.
Then, each group starts talking amongst themselves. “Should we just start grabbing stuff?” asks Russell. “I say we just make a mad dash,” says Mr. Spacely. “My cat’s breath smells like cat food,” says Natalie. Then Natalie lunges for the chickens and Richard Simmons follows suit. And they each grab a couple chickens. The others open the mystery crate and read the instructions within. And they have to return the chickens. And Richard Simmons did so carrying her chicken by the middle of its neck in a humiliating fashion. Which I thought was unnecessary. Also unnecessary? That awful Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Jr. movie.
Movie exec #1: “Hey, Ace Ventura did really well. And I think we probably don’t need to even pay Jim Carey to do another one. Sure, he was zany and what not and really did a lot of funny things, but I think people really bought tickets because of the story. Who doesn’t love a good missing pet story?”
Movie exec #2: I don’t know. Jim Carey was really a big part, wasn’t he?
Movie exec #1: Come on. Everyone loves a good stolen pet yarn. In fact, I bet anyone could play this part. Even, say, an annoying little fat kid. And I haven’t even told you the best part. I made it about a missing panda, so in the ad – we can say its…OHMIGOD THIS IS AMAZING…”panda-monium!!!”
Movie exec #2: This idea is so great I want to have sex with it.
Later…
Movie exec #1: My Dark Lord, I have done what you have asked me. I have gotten not only Ace Ventura Jr. greenlit, but also that new Sandra Bullock movie and Michael Strahan’s television series. Armageddon is upon us…oh, and I also got Armageddon greenlit for you.
SATAN: MUAHAHAHAHA! With Dane Cook’s popularity in place, we need to strike before people realize yelling awful punchlines do not make them any less awful. Unleash Hell!
And scene.
Turns out the challenge was to be Bocce ball. In it, well you know how Bocce ball works. And in a thrilling last-minute Bocce ball throw, Galu won. Again. And they get to keep the chickens. Richard Simmons frothed at the mouth predictably.
Back at Galu camp, Erik has everyone doing odd jobs so he can focus on searching for the hidden idol. And he finds it…yet he still remains boring. Moving on.
Not boring? Richard Simmons. When they all return with the chickens, RS decides she will take care of the chickens because she is a “country girl.” Then she proceeded to cluck at the chickens so she could communicate with them. Literally, she got down on her knees and clucked in at them in their crate to make them comfortable. She says, and I quote, “The Survivor chickens will know Shambo and they will give me eggs in turn because I will be kind to them.” CHICKEN LADY LOVES LIFE YEAH!!!11 THESE ARE THE DAVES I KNOW I KNOW I’M CRUSHING YOUR HEAD CANADIANS!!11
Over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely is having a bit of trouble with JaiSON being his right-hand man. So, he is considering picking someone else to be at his side. God, Spacely is so fickle when it comes to things like this. I mean, how many times did he make George a Vice President only to decide in less than a half hour (twenty minutes with commercials) George should go back to his low-level button-pushing job.
So, he approaches Natalie to make sure their partnership is still strong. He tells her she needs to stick with him and he will take her to the final two. Be careful Natalie. Your judgement in men has always been suspect. Like that time you lost your virginity to Snake Robinson even though he had already taken Jennifer Jason Leigh’s in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Get it? Because the same guy who played Snake Robinson played Damone on Fast Times. Yeah, Snake on The Facts of Life. The guy she lost her virginity to. Ugh, I AM LOSER.
Then, over at Galu, while she is retrieving eggs, Richard Simmons lets one of the chickens out. THE CHICKEN’S ESCAPED THE CHICKEN’S ESCAPED she screams. Then they all ran around like crazy trying to catch the thing. In fact, Erik was running so fast, he was clotheslined. By an actual clothesline. And that wasn’t all. Then he was scissor kicked by an actual pair of scissors. Then he was put in a half-nelson by Gunnar Nelson. Get it? So, did that one make up for that whole Facts of Life fiasco from before up there.
Then, later on, Kelly is a bit annoyed with Yasmin because she just expects her to pour her coconut milk out of a coconut she’s been chopping at forever. Then Kelly goes and complains to Laura and Monica about oh my God none of you know who any of these people are, huh? Hey, remember that show My Two Dads about how funny it is to have unprotected sex?
Next up was the immunity challenge. In it each tribe had to grab boxes and stack them and blah blah blah. It was about as exciting as a box-stacking challenge could ever be. The only thing of note was Natalie’s unfortunate decision to wear pants. It showed a lack of solidarity with the rest of her bikini-wearing mates. And it showed a lack of interest in watching any longer. By me.
Oh, also Foa Foa won their first challenge sending Galu to tribal council FOR THE FIRST TIME OH MI GAWD I CANT CONTROL MYSELF!!!1111 I haven’t been this excited since Anthrax guest-starred on Married…With Children.
So, at Galu, it seems to be coming down to two possible candidates for elimination – Monica and Yasmin. Some are pointing at Monica because of her poor performance at the Immunity Challenge and some are pointing at Yasmin because of her attempted coconut milk theft. And Yasmin was trying to convince Richard Simmons they were going to vote her off because of letting the chickens out. Well, at least I think that was what she was saying. I was hiding behind my couch because Yasmin has a huge mouth and I thought she was going to swallow me whole. Seriously, it looks like if she opened wide enough, she would look like that cartoon head from those Reach toothbrush commercials.
At Tribal Council, there is some dissention within the group about what should influence a “vote out” decision. Some think it should be based on poor performance. Others think it should be based on who does least around camp. I think it should be based on whether or not the person looks like they could swallow the entire Indian Ocean. And, apparently, the majority agreed with me, because they voted out Yasmin. Bye big mouth.
Until next time,
Wayne
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment