Hey everybody. Welcome to yet another late installment of the Survivor: Samoa newsletter. I once again apologize for the delayed delivery of this all-important “news” but its been a hectic couple of weeks. For example, last Friday I had to watch House of 1000 Corpses AND eat leftover pizza. I made it through, but sometimes some things have to go by the wayside. Like this newsletter. And my hygiene.
Anywhich, this week’s episode begain with Galu coming back from tribal council and Richard Simmons feeling like she was on the outside because she was the only one who wrote Monica’s name down while everyone else voted out CHOMP-CHOMP. Yep, Pac-Man’s dog. Meh, why not? So yeah, she already hated her tribe but now she feels like she is a total outcast. Which, of course, is nothing new for Richard Simmons. I don’t think you run around with an afro and striped short shorts sweating to oldies to quote-unquote fit in. Nope. You do what I do. You drink a whole ton and then try to recite Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” routine with your pants around your ankles. I was the life of the party that night. I mean, sure, everyone acted like they didn’t dig my vibe, but its not like they can just come right out and say they are having a great time at a hearing to determine custody. Oh. Don’t worry. It wasn’t mine. I didn’t even know those people. I think the Dad’s name was Ted. He seemed like a great guy once you got past the schizophrenia. I hope he and his kids…and the out-of-work magician living inside his brain…are getting along swimmingly.
Oh, and she is totally right. Monica, for example, is not happy about Richard Simmons writing her name down. Her plan is to vote off Richard Simmons next. So, yeah, she is an outsider. To confirm this, Ponyboy and Dallas showed up and told her that they were planning on “doing it for Johnny” and then sneaking into the drive-in to flirt with “Cherry” Valance before having a turf war with a bunch of square Socs. See…the Outsiders are the heroes because they don’t conform and they commit crime. The Socs are the villains because they have money and get good grades. The bastards.
The next morning, at Foa Foa, Mick arrives with treemail that seems to indicate a “gross food challenge” that involves food from the sea. And then, some idiot is like, “maybe its shrimp.” Yeah, and maybe these people will prove to be valuable members of society. Frakkin moron.
Ashley thinks that since she is an experimental eater, she probably has an advantage. Hey Ashley, I think this is gonna be a lot different than the time you and your friends got drunk and ordered the fried pickles at the Ground Round. “Ooooooh….fried pickles y’all. Those sound crazy. No way am I gonna eat those. Huh? You’re a chicken bitch! Fine whatevs. I’ll eat them.” 5 seconds later. “Dang these are good. I love my friends. I just changed my Facebook status to ‘eating fried pickles.’ I bet Jeremy is gonna read that and be all ‘what?’ Hahahahaha. Its so great how we are all so funny. But only to each other.”
Sometimes I just honestly mash the keyboard with my palm and hope for the best.
Liz disagreed with Ashley, spreading the word that she was going to be bad at this challenge. Even more premature than when Henry told Punky he could get her Cubs tickets because he was good friends with Ernie Banks. Turned out he just took pictures at Ernie’s 2nd cousin’s wedding in 1962 and Ernie asked Henry where the dip was. Oh Henry…you old idiot. Actually, though, he still somehow got through to Ernie just by calling Wrigley Field and asking for him. Remember when anything was possible in the 80’s? Remember the McRib?
How about that? 5 episodes in and this is only my first reference to Punky Brewster. And I didn’t even beat a dead horse. Just one simple, beautiful paragraph. I mean, I could have totally gone into how the ticket scalper, Lenny the Loop, was played by the guy who played Mauser in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment and then talked about the scene where they replaced his shampoo with glue and MAUSER WOWSER!!!111
Damn. I blew it.
Mr. Spacely is also not happy about the scrambling Liz is doing before the challenge to get everyone against Ashley because, and I quote, “As soon as I see somebody playing that mind game on some other people, they’re a huge threat because that’s what this game is all about is mind games. And I’ve got to be the only mind game player here.” Word on that. Like, in my house, I want to be the only mind game player. So last week, my son and I were playing Chutes and Ladders and I landed on that wicked long chute at the top of the board that sent me way back in the game. I wasn’t gonna stand for that, so I lit the board on fire and sent him to bed with no supper. I know some of you may think that’s a little harsh. But if I don’t expose him to this now, he is just gonna grow up with a sense of entitlement. I’d be a bad parent if I didn’t set the Chutes and Ladders board on fire.
Next up – GROSS FOOD IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!!!111LOLZZZ
I really do love these challenges. In this one, EVIL ON TWO LEGS has a roulette type thing in front of him. One member from each tribe throws a ball in and wherever they land, those are the ingredients LUCIFER will use as smoothie ingredients in his blender of death. Each time someone downs the drink, they score a point for their tribe. First tribe to five points wins meat – steaks and sausages and what not. Because there is nothing I would want more after slurping down sea slug guts than a nice juicy steak. Served on a dirty ashtray.
Up first – Richard Simmons and JaiSON. The balls land on “Giant Clams” and “Jeff’s Choice.” Of course, being BEELZEBUB, he chooses to add some octopus tentacles and sea snails. Mr. Spacely and OTHER RUSSELL down some milk jellyfish. Not to be confused with milk steak. Some of you got that joke. And for that, I commend you. Mick and Brett drink some giant clams and sea cucumbers. You know its something when sea cucumbers actually sound like the most appetizing thing on the menu. Monica and Liz down some sea noodles and urchin. Then comes Ashley and Dave. They get…sea slug guts mixed with water. And both of them have trouble with this one – though Dave finishes and then taunts Ashley by telling her about the time he “mixed up all this fake puke at home. And then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony. And then. And then, I made a noise like this – HURRRLLLLLL! HURRRLLLLL!!! And then I dumped it over the side. All over all the people in the audience. Then. Th-th-this was horrible. All the people started getting’ sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.”
Heh…ok he didn’t do that. But his sister did.
Anyways, Ashley ends up not being able to make it and goes to the bush to vomit. Just like Liz predicted. She must know Dionne Warwick.
So, that meant that Galu won the challenge and got to take home the meat. Now, they also got to send someone over to Foa Foa and this person could not partake in the sausage festival they were going to be enjoying. Russell chooses Richard Simmons to go over there and RS is none too happy about it, since she went over after the last challenge. But really, Russell had a pretty good reason for doing it. I mean, he had to pick someone and she did let the chicken get away last week. So, I thought this was a fitting punishment. Although I also thought my punishment for spilling paint in the garage when I was a little kid was fair too. You see that? About the size of a cigar. DO I STUTTER!!! Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to fix a turkey pot pie.
NO DAD WHAT ABOUT YOU YELLLLZZZZ!!!!!
When Richard Simmons arrives at Foa Foa, everyone comes together for a big group hug. And it was touching much in the way the end of Mac and Me was touching when all the aliens became American citizens, which is to say it was not touching at all but rather creepy and awkward.
Ashley, feeling bad about her performance at the reward challenge, confides in Natalie and says she is like a sister to her. Which prompted me to yell at the TV, “Then kiss her already.” And my wife says, “Why would they kiss if they were siblings?” And then I say, “Well, Luke and Leia kissed.” And then my wife says, “Well, yeah, but that was before they knew they were brother and sister.” And then I say, “they kissed after that.” And then she says, “No they didn’t.” And then I say, “Well, they did in my fan-fiction story…Look.” And then she didn’t say much after that. It looked like she was trying to call someone though. I could only make out the first numbers – “9” and “1” – then the phone was disconnected. By me.
The end.
Over at Galu, people seem super happy about meat…which reminds me of a story I can’t tell here.
But, this being Survivor, happiness is always fading. And Russell and Dave start fighting over the fire. Dave thinks Russell is doing a bad job starting the fire, so he starts openly berating him and acting all pissy. Then Russell is all like, “I’m not in the mood for suggestions. I’m in the mood for help.” Russell wants action. Tonight. Satisfaction all night. Then he grabbed his hat. And he grabbed his shoes. Tonight he’s gonna hit the streets and cruise.
Hm?
Over at Foa Foa, tensions are also flaring up as Liz accuses Mr. Spacely of having the hidden immunity idol even though everyone else thinks Cletus took it with him when he was voted off. “I’m telling you. You’re lying to me,” Liz says. And Spacely tells her that she is now, in fact, walking on thin ice now. And of course, we all know he is lying to her. Which makes me think Liz is in fact a total psychic. Like Miss Cleo. Or the Cosmic Muffin.
Then, the rains came. And it rained. And it rained. And it didn't quit for four months. They been through every kind of rain there is. Little bitty stingin' rain... and big ol' fat rain. Rain that flew in sideways. And sometimes rain even seemed to come straight up from underneath.
I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.
Then came the immunity challenge. And in it, one man and one woman from each tribe have to hold a rope connected to a basket. And the other members of the tribes had to throw coconuts into the baskets to make them heavier. And the tribe with the last person standing wins immunity. The highlights? Miss Cleo made a valiant effort while Ashley proved to be as good at basketball as a pre-wolf Michael J. Fox.
And thus, of course, Foa Foa loses.
And then came an interesting scene. Typically, before a tribal council, the tribe heading there is scrambling, with everyone trying to plan and stragerize. But, because of the rain, Foa Foa was forced to huddle together and talk openly. I, of course, expected this to bring them closer together, much like when Mallory and Skippy were locked in the basement together and they learned to appreciate one another more on Family Ties. Or when Archie and Mike were locked together in the storeroom of Archie’s bar and learned to appreciate one another more on All in the Family. Or when Joey and Drue were locked in the storage closet together and learned to appreciate each other more on Dawson’s Creek.
Anyways, TV lies. And instead, everyone seemed pretty annoyed with the situation and decided to go in with no strategies in hand, just voting for whoever they thought they should vote for. And this isn’t the first time TV has led me astray. For example, I looked through the wallets of every FedEx guy that came to my doorstep and not one of them had a wife as hot as Leah Remini. The funny part? After I brought all of their bodies down to the basement to put them in the furnace, I mistakenly locked the door behind us. We ended up spending a few hours together and I really learned to appreciate them more. Then, of course, I had to do what I had to do so there were no witnesses. But it all ended happily, because one of them was delivering a Wii to some needy kids. Long story short. That Wii Fit is really helping me lose weight.
At tribal, there was some disagreement on who to vote out. Some thought it should be who does the worst at challenges while others think it should be the one who is least trustworthy. I, meanwhile, think it should be the one who posseses demonic soothsaying powers. I am looking at you, Liz.
In the end, sucking at challenges wins out and we say goodbye to Ashley and her nose ring. No worries, I am sure the nose ring will be back, along with B.U.M. equipment shirts and Del Amitri.
Until next time,
Wayne
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