Thursday, October 29, 2009

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE VI: THE BERENSTAIN BEARS AND THE, AHEM, PLEASANT SURPRISE

So, this episode was billed as one of the “craziest most insane out of your mind psycho killer Norman Bates MY PRODUCER SLAM SHARP LIKE BAM JUMP ON STAGE AND THEN I DAH-DAHHHMMMM” ahem episode in the history of shows about people living on islands. Well, besides that episode of Gilligan’s Island when that ape got loose and tried to make the sex with Mrs. Howell. Oh, and that episode of Lost where things that were unexplainable happened and the story really didn’t move forward but instead the writers just threw a bunch of stuff that didn’t make sense at people to mask the fact that they really weren’t sure of the direction they wanted to take the show because audiences tire of sci-fi shows that don’t have space captains having sex with aliens pretty quickly.

I HAZ MAK NO SENS,

The episode started with everyone in Foa Foa really unhappy about the rain. Well, everyone except Mr. Spacely. He says that this is the game he came to play – he didn’t come here for a vacation, he came to be tested. He claims this “makes him stronger.” And here I thought he got his power from a diet of misery, deep-fried and dipped in Ranch dressing. Goes to show you you can’t believe everything you make up when Comcast cancels your Internet subscription because you spent all your money on Girls Gone Wild DVDs.

Over at Galu, Russell was dealing with the rain by sitting out in it and fishing and looking off into the sea contemplatively. Which is kind of like what I do to handle adversity. Except replace “sitting out in the rain” with “huddled in the closet” and replace “fishing” with “sobbing uncontrollably” and replace “looking off into the sea contemplatively” with “chugging Boone’s Farm and sucking down raw cookie dough like it was a stick of Tamiflu and I had just spent a week in Mexico getting a first-hand look at the Ham-making process.”

And everyone is noticing that Russell is pushing himself too hard. They think he is endangering his health because of his drive. Which is a lot different than what people probably tell Nick Hogan – that he is endangering other’s health because of his driving. What? Did I just go there? Hey, have you heard the latest joke about current events in the news these days? Michael Jackson??

Back at Foa Foa, Mick is dealing with the inclement weather a little differently. To stay as dry as possible, Mick has curled himself up into a little ball and ducked into a hole in a nearby tree. Which reminded me of the Berenstain Bears. And, I don’t know, those bears raise a lot of questions. So, you got Mama Bear and Papa Bear. Are those, like, their actual names? Did their parents name them “Mama” and “Papa”? What if Papa wanted to remain a lifelong bachelor and Mama wanted to pursue her career instead of wearing a shower cap and raising children? Their parents sort of left them no choice….unless they were being ironic. And then there is Sister and Brother. Which I guess is ok…until, of course, they had a 3rd kid. They must have really been stressing about that one. So, they ended up naming her Honey. Brother, Sister, and Honey? This poor kid. How can she go through life not thinking she was an accident?

Maybe they named her Honey because they were planning on eating her.

But the rain has to stop at some point, right? And it does. And over at Galu, everyone is psyched about the rainbow the rain has left behind. I don’t know why. Because behind every rainbow lies a miserly, murderous Leprechaun and those guys are just no good. Like this one time, I was eating Lucky Charms and about to bite into a red balloon and who should show up, but Lucky. And he’s pissed, right. Because according to him, ‘Red Balloons have never been considered lucky, FAITH AND BEGORRAH!” And I am all, “whatever dude, I am eating this thing.’ And he’s all, “ERIN GO BRAGH!!” And then he jumps on my back and starts beating me mercilessly with a SHILLELAGH!” Then I stepped back for a minute. And I realized that I should probably stop replacing the milk in my cereal with Everclear. And stop replacing the cereal in my cereal with LSD.

The lovers. The dreamers. And meeeeeeeeeeee!

Then comes the Reward challenge. And MEPHISTOPHELES explains that in it, one person from each tribe will be put into a sphere and rolled around like Richard Pryor in The Toy by two blindfolded tribe members. The sphere will be rolled over to a Labyrinth table where the person in the sphere will have to direct the blindfolded ones to maneuver a ball to a finish line. First tribe to do so wins. Then THE DEVIL drops this bomb – both tribes are going to council tonight and voting someone off. However, the winning tribe gets to sit in on the other tribe’s council and eat pizza in front of them. Hey, anyone order a large with pepperoni and HOLY FRAK WHAT IN THE WORLD YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND??

So, the challenge starts…for Foa Foa, its Liz in the sphere with Spacely and JaiSON pushing and for Galu, its Laura in the sphere with Russell and Erik pushing. And right away, it does seem like Russell is struggling. He’s winded. He’s staggering. He’s all ‘this test counts for 80 percent of our grade you know” and “But I like taking the stairs, cuz they’re FUN!”

Oh, Fatty McGee. You’re the fattest!

Then each tribe makes it to their table. And Russell basically collapses. He falls to his knees and his head rests on his table. And everyone is yelling at him to wake up. We are even treated to shots of LUCIFER pretending to care. And, finally, he calls the challenge and sends in the medical team. And the scene was pretty scary. It went something like this:

Medical Person: Oy, Put another shrimp on the bahbie mate. This one’s as out of it as a dingo who just ate a baby. Mate.

Russell: (eyes closed, no response)

Medical Person: Kangaroos and Koalas!!! I’m as scared a walkabout wallaby.

Russell: (eyes open, still no response. Looks like Cameron Frye when he was pretending to be catatonic so he could watch Sloan get changed by the pool)

Medical Person: That’s not a knife. This is a knife.

Russell: ……..

Medical Person: Foster’s. Australian for Medical Care.

They were from Australia is what I am telling you now.

And it was pretty scary, as I said. Even scarier than that episode of Webster where Webster found that secret room behind the clock in the house that George and Ma’am were looking at and then he went into it and found that rocking chair with the mannequin he thought was the previous owner’s dead daughter’s ghost. What the crud? That show was messed up. Remember the one about the teacher who was a child molester. And remember the fact that Webster didn’t even know his parents were dead until like the middle of the first season. Is that show on DVD?

So, the challenge is called, nobody wins reward, and everyone is sent back to their camps. Except of course Russell because he sucks at remaining conscious.

And I really felt bad for Russell. I mean, he tried hard and it looked like he was going home. He seemed pretty broken up about it and was saying how his family always expects him to be the “strong one” and that he was letting them down. It was heartbreaking. Then he cried. So I called him a wuss and sent letters to his house reminding him to wear his prettiest frilly dress on Saturday for his tea party with his Miss Squeeze-A-Lot Doll and Mr. Fuzzycakes the Bear.

Back at the Foa Foa camp, the whole tribe is feeling like they are cursed because, just when they are about to actually win a challenge, the challenge is called on account of an injury. But that’s, of course, not the only reason they think they’re cursed. Also, Greg had a pretty bad wipeout while he was surfing. And Alice hurt her back taking a hula lesson. Oh, and Bobby sat on a ukulele. And then that spider crawled out of Jan’s bag. Then, Vincent Price.

At Galu, people are scrambling. Richard Simmons and Monica both think the vote could be coming down to them tonight. Richard Simmons doesn’t really understand this because Monica is so bad at everything. And Monica doesn’t understand because she looks better in a bikini than Richard Simmons. And the guys on the tribe seem to be leaning towards voting Monica out. And Richard Simmons approaches them about it. And she, being Richard Simmons, is all loud about it while the guys are telling her to keep it cool. So, she says ok…and she tries to bump fists with Erik to “lock it up.” Erik informs her that bumping fists locks nothing up. Seriously? I better look back over my mortgage now.

So, both tribes meet at Tribal Council. And THE DEVIL INCARNATE informs everyone that dealing with Russell was the scariest moment he has ever encountered on the show. Even scarier than the time Webster crawled into…huh? A few paragraphs ago. No way…you guys are ly…well, shut my mouth. I must have blacked out. Sorry about that. That’s the last time I replace the milk in my cer…hm? I quit.

Then PRINCE OF DARKNESS tells everyone that no one will be going home tonight because Russell will not be returning to camp. And Foa Foa tells Galu that they will now start beating them in challenges. Galu, of course, was not really intimidated by this since Foa Foa is bad at anything that requires skill. Or luck. Or winning.

Until next time,Wayne

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