Thursday, November 5, 2009

SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE VII: SEE? WE ARE ALL FRIENDS BECAUSE WE ALL ARE DANCING IN A FOUNTAIN TOGETHER…SO CASUAL AND QUIRKY

Hey everyone. So, I know this newsletter is late again, and I apologize but I hope everyone had a Happy Happy Halloween. Mine was great, because this year Halloween fell on a weekend. Me and my boys were trick or treatin’. Robbin’ little kids for bags. Til an old man got behind our ass. So we speeded up the pace. Took a look back and he was right before our face. We were in for a squab’ no doubt…

Oh, but I don’t want to bore you with every detail. But I DO sit alone in my four-cornered room starin’ at candles.

This episode began with the Galu tribe returning from tribal council after a non-vote, but without their leader, Russell. But a a few hours have passed and no one really cares about that anymore. Now, the men are much more concerned with the fact that the male/female ratio in Galu has now slipped to even. Which means that the girls could, if they wanted to, start conspiring to vote out the guys. They, however, have a plan. They think they could probably make Richard Simmons into “just one of the guys” and therefore win her vote over. So, they are going to ask her if she wants to cut her hair and attend a rival high school to prove that she isn’t being taken seriously as a real journalist because she’s a girl. And then I suppose they want her to get into random tussles with Willam Zabka because he lifts tables? And fall in love with Rick after she transforms him from a James Brown loving geek to a cool dude with slick hair? And then I suppose they want her to get in a fight with William Zabka at the prom on the beach and then her brother with all the naked pictures in his room and also the dude with all the lizards and YEAH RIGHT AND I’M CYNDI LOWWWPER!!!

That seems like a pretty intricate and unrealistic plan.

Over at Foa Foa, Russell’s departure has actually left them feeling a little more hopeful. Even JaiSON has put aside his Eeyore’ish demeanor for a more positive outlook. “We’ve got a good chance to win today. No Russell,” he says. But, seriously, do you guys still think you have a chance? It’d be like if the Really Rottens thought, just because Scooby-Doo came down with Canine H1N1 that they’d have a chance at winning. I mean, they still have Captain Caveman and Hong Kong Phooey on the team. You know what I mean? No? Richard Simmons would probably be Captain Caveman.

So, back over at Galu, the guys are trying to figure out a non-80’s way to bring Richard Simmons over to their side. And Erik has a plan. “What if we elect Richard Simmons chief?” he says. Then, he figures RS will be on their side. Which is a much better plan. In fact, I think that’s how they elected Apache Chief in Super Friends:

Meanwhile…back at the Hall of Justice…

Superman: Ugh. God. This is the last time I clean Gleek’s feces off the TroubAlert computer. I mean, the Wonder Twins wanted this stupid monkey. They should be taking care of him. I mean, I’m frikkin’ Superman fer chrissakes.

Wonder Woman: Well, I am not gonna do it. I mean, I’m a girl.

Green Lantern: What? I mean, yeah you are but…

Wonder Woman: But what? But what, Green? Just because I can kick your ass means I am not worthy of gentlemanly gestures?

Green Lantern: Are you still mad about what happened the other night? I never called because I was kind of busy punching the crap out of Solomon Grundy.

Batman: I have an idea. Let’s get that Apache dude over there to do it. I mean, he’s pretty useless otherwise.

Superman: But how? He’s kind of an ass that never helps out.

Batman: But what if we ask him to be our “Chief”? I mean, isn’t that what his people call their leaders?

Robin: Holy offensive stereotype Batman!

Batman: I hate you, Robin.

Aquaman: But I thought I was going to be leader….

Everyone: laughing ass off.

So they hold a vote among the entire camp about who should be the new leader of the tribe. Only the guys all are set to vote for Richard Simmons. Everyone puts their hands behind their backs and are assigned a number. And then everyone has to hold up the number of the person they want to be the new leader. And the guys, of course, all hold up Richard Simmons’ number. And it wasn’t even suspicious. At all. And neither was the fact that the Seavers asked Leonardo DiCaprio to live with them on Growing Pains. Yeah, hey good looking homeless teenager. Would you like to come live with us? No no…nothing untowardly. Come on in.

Then came the reward challenge. In it, the tribe members will have to walk out among all of these covered items, each part of a matching pair. And it was basically like Memory. Although of course there was a twist. Each item was a survival-type item. If you make a match, you can either take the point…or take the item. DUH DUH DUH. Though really this only happened once, with Galu taking the fire making stuff and tarp that they matched. And the tribe with the most points gets to go on a boat ride with food and send a member over to the other tribe. And Galu won. Which was surprising. And by “surprising” I mean “not surprising in the least.”

And Richard Simmons chose Laura to go over to the other tribe. Which I commended her for. Because I would have been like, “that girl. With the hair.” Because Laura does nothing is what I am telling you right now.

And over at Foa Foa, Mr. Spacely is already planning for the merge. He takes Laura aside and creates a “secret alliance” with her so that once the tribes merge, they can be like BAM BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING EVEN THOUGH ON MOST SEASONS OF SURVIVOR THIS HAS HAPPENED BOOOOOOOMMMMM THUNDER!!!!!111

And he approached her saying, “I can spot a good Christian anywhere.” Which of course made me think about my own faith and have I really accepted Jesus into my life and whether or not I, myself, have really been a good Christian. Ha…of course it didn’t. It made me think of Ned Flanders.

And this was further reinforced as the Foa Foa tribe was trying to build a fire. Flanders and Natalie sit around the fire talking about some spiritual book that changed their lives….(I don’t know which one it was, but I am guessing it was “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret” because that book totally resonated with me when I was a kid because oh well let’s um…let’s not get into that) And Liz was PO’ed about it. “I don’t really need to hear her and Natalie talking about spiritual book of the months behind my back when I’m trying to get a fire started so that we can eat and drink,” she spewed. She seemed as mad as I get every time one of those Ashton Kutcher Nikon commercials. God, how annoying are those commercials? Its like, “wow, you mean if I buy that camera, I can have a grating, intrusive personality too?” Sign me up. A commercial hasn’t made me NOT want to buy a product since McDonald’s started using those talking Chicken McNuggets. They’re so cute. I can’t wait to dip them in Sweet N’ Sour sauce and ingest them.

And Galu got to go on a boat. And eat. Weren’t you paying attention?

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. In this challenge, the tribes had to canoe out the pick up fish-shaped puzzle pieces and then bring those puzzle pieces over and then solve a puzzle. Then they had to puzzle and puzzle til their puzzler was sore.

At the beginning of the challenge, THE FALLEN ANGEL asked Mick why he wasn’t wearing his leadership necklace and Mick replies that its because he thought maybe it was cursed. And I was left regretting I did the whole cursed Tiki thing from the Brady Bunch last week. Oh well. Instead, hey remember the episode of Saved by the Bell where they sell those “Buddy Bands” and Slater, Kelly, and Jesse make this awesome video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nHMth6Ut0s&feature=related). I really can’t add anything to make that video more awesome than it actually is, but once you watch that video, your life will change forever. Trust me.

Hey. They work.

Also, during the challenge, JaiSON appears to have given up on trying anymore. He stops trying to pull in the canoe. He stops trying as they are doing the puzzle. Its painful to watch. Much like when Emily valentine slipped U4EA into Brandon’s drink. Not really because of the whole drug thing, but because it was just so lame but meant to look cool. Remember how they had to exchange an egg to get into the club? Even back then, I didn’t think they looked cool. And I was wearing a neon Bugle Boy T-shirt at the time and listening to Color Me Badd.

So Foa Foa lost…again. And this leads Spacely to a conundrum. On one hand, he feels compelled to vote out Liz. Because that was his original plan and she is annoying and says “book of the months club” instead of “book of the month club.” On the other hand, JaiSON sucks at everything and is a big LAME. Making choices like that is hard. Like just the other day, I had to decide between drinking 3 glasses of whiskey and drinking 4 glasses of whiskey. It was just like that movie Sophie’s Choice. Except more depressing.

At Tribal Council, JaiSON freely admits that its his fault they are losing challenges. Which doesn’t make it any less terrible. It’d be like if David Schwimmer was like “Hey, I admit it. I am a boring character who doesn’t add anything to the ensemble and instead I just sort of mope around and say everything in the same tone and everything I say makes you want to punch yourself in the ears just so you won’t have to deal with my monotone complaints and defeatist attitude. And for that, I apologize.” It wouldn’t make watching Ross any more enjoyable.

Wait a tick. Complaining? Defeatist attitude? Monotone awfulness? Congratulations JaiSON. You have just become Ross Gellar.

Anywhat, in the end…everyone decides that Liz’s shrillness is harder to take than Ross Gellar’s losingness. And they vote out Liz. The end.

Until next time,
Wayne

1 comment:

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