Wednesday, November 18, 2009


Hey everyone. First, let me apologize for not doing an update last week. But I have a pretty good track record this season, no? This is the first week I missed. So, consider this my “mulligan.” Oh, you don’t know what a mulligan is? Its a golf term for, basically, not counting a bad shot and taking a do-over. I believe it was named for “Empty Nest” star, Richard Mulligan. Meatballs II was his “bad shot” and his stint as the spirit guide in The Heavenly Kid was his mulligan. And I don’t know. I consider that a “bad use of a mulligan” especially considering ME TED ME TED MEATHEAD!!!11

Anyways, last week’s episode was pretty good. Going into tribal, Erik and Mr. Spacely were wondering if they should play their hidden immunity idols. Mr. Spacely decided to play his, and he received zero votes. So, it was useless. Much like this degree in “learning the personal computer” I got from Sally Struthers. Great…now I know how to get my floppy disks clean and play lemonade stand til the cows come home. Thanks Sally. You know, she should have combined her love of correspondence schools with her desire to help underdeveloped areas of the world. She really could have made a difference teaching the starving children of the world gun repair from the comfort of their own home. I mean, sure, for the cost of a cup of coffee, I could help a starving child…but this would have given them the skills to really improve their lives. You can teach a man to fish but you can’t make him drink, right?

Wait. Was that right?

Whatever. Regardless, in the end, Erik didn’t use his immunity idol and he was blindsided. And who orchestrated this blindside? Natalie. Yup, Natalie. I am as shocked as you are. Even more shocked than I was whenever Natalie had a boyfriend on The Facts of Life. It’s not just that she was unattractive, but she was also sooooo annoying. Plus, she lived with Blair and Jo, who were infinitely hotter. Hell, I would have even taken Tootie and she had braces and wore roller skates for a good chunk of time in Peekskill. Like everywhere. She just lived in roller skates. And didn’t we all know someone like that? The roller skate kid? No? Eh, me neither. But I did know a kid that had really bad dandruff. Why didn’t they ever have a character like that? Then I would have been like, “yeah, I can really relate to this now. I wish I didn’t have such bad dandru…I mean he. I wish he didn’t have such bad dandruff.” Phew. Covered that one up nicely.

But let’s stop living in the past, man. Move on already. On to this week’s episode. Or live in the past, what do I care?

This week’s episode began with Natalie being useful, again. And full of murderous rage. So, she’s out in the jungle in her bikini and she comes upon a rat hanging out doing rat-stuff and she decides that, since she is hungry, she should play God. So, she grabs a stick and, in her bikini, she goes ahead and starts beating the crap out of the rat. And I was left realizing this was exactly like a dream I once had. Except replace “rat” with “weasel.” And replace “stick” with “4-foot pastrami sandwich.” And replace “Natalie in a bikini” with “Peter Jennings in a child-sized Mighty Morphin Power Rangers costume.” And replace “me” with “a new employee after sending this story out to my colleagues.”

So, she takes the dead rat in a coconut over to her camp and then they cook it up and eat it. And I was all, oh that’s gross and how can you eat a rat and that’s disgusting and then I finished my Mozzarella Stick/Chicken Finger/French Fry/Bacon sub. I mean, have some self-respect, right?

Yeah, its called “The Fat Willard” and its available at Neapoli in Malden, MA. If you order it, tell them Wayne sent you. And then, when you get to the hospital, forget you ever knew me.

So, then came ye ol’ reward challenge. In it, the tribe would be split into two teams that each had to carry this big pole with black and white coconuts on it and make it line up so that it showed 4 numbers - a combination. Then, a blindfolded member of the team has to use their hands to feel around this lock to line up the same numbers and release…God, I am tired already. Does anyone remember that episode of South Park where they discover that Family Guy gets all their random non-sequiturs by having manatees drop random “idea balls” to generate nonsensical pop culture references? I am pretty sure that’s how Survivor gets their ideas for challenges.

Heh, manatees. That’s about as unbelievable as the time I was hanging out at Arnold’s restaurant and this mute chick came in. Arnold was trying to ask her if she wanted fries with that and she couldn’t answer him. So, the Fonz came over and punched her in the face. All of a sudden, she started talking. Then he was like AYYYYYYYY!!! He was such a lovable criminal.

So the teams were divided into the Purple Team – Richard Simmons, Kelly, Dave, John, and Monica – and the Yellow Team – Brett, Laura, Mick, JaiSON, and Mr. Spacely. Natalie was left out on her own, but she could choose a team to root for and if that team wins, she gets to go on reward with them. And their reward is an afternoon of sliding down rocks and eating fried chicken. Man, I love fried chicken. And fried shrimp. And fried oreos. And fried arteries. Natalie chose the Yellow Team. I chose a 40oz. of Steel Reserve. In the end, we both lost.

Yep, Purple won. And as winners they were brought to this place with a natural rock slide so they could slide down….um, natural rock. As opposed to artificial rock. Like Nickelback. And afterwards they were treated to a picnic lunch with fried chicken and desserts and what not. And everyone was of course excited. BECAUSE HE PUTS ADDICTIVE CHEMICALS IN HIS CHICKEN SMART ARSE!!! OH YOU”RE GONNA BUY MY CHICKEN!

Manatees, man. Manatees.

Also, while enjoying their meal, they were given a clue to another hidden immunity idol. And they decided to only share it with fellow Galu members. Which just seemed totally unfair. It sucks when you’re left out of things. It feels so lonely. So I hear. I mean, I never feel lonely. Right, guys? Guys? Oh, my friends must have just stepped out a few minutes ago. With my car. And all my money. And by “a few minutes ago” I mean “after that time in high school where I told everyone that I thought For Keeps was the best movie ever.” And by “friends” I mean “parents.”

Sad face.

Anyways, it doesn’t matter how well they keep their secret, because Mr. Spacely is an immunity idol-findin’ fool. He goes on the hunt and ends up finding it under a bridge. Without a clue. Again. And I was actually happy that he did. I find myself rooting for Mr. Spacely lately. I think he is probably the most deserving on this tribe of the million. I haven’t changed the way I felt about someone this quickly since I met that chick at that bar that I thought was the most unattractive thing I have ever seen and then I drank a fifth of vodka and then I thought she looked like an angel and then I woke up the next day and realized she was a 78 year-old man. That was the craziest PTO meeting I have ever attended.

You know, I have been thinking that maybe I write a book about my life. A memoir. Where I treat my readers to colorful stories from this life I have led. Or maybe a children’s book. About my life. No, wait…a children’s book. Yeah, a children’s book. Except, of course, I’ll have to clean the stories up for the kiddies. For example, in that last little yarn, I can replace the 78 year old chick-dude with green eggs. And ham. And I can replace the fifth of vodka with an annoyingly persistent little piece of crap. I think I can leave in the part about eating with a goat though. Huh? Oh, well…it was a long night. Anyways, this book is gonna be awesome. I think I’ll call it…um…hmmm…Getting frakkin wasted at a bar with a goat. Kids love animals and what not. Its all in my Wildlife Treasury.

The next day, Mt. Spacely takes Richard Simmons out fishing and tells her about the fact that he has the hidden immunity idol. And Richard Simmons thought he was the luckiest person ever. And I don’t know. I mean, one time on Let’s Make a Deal I saw a dude win like a year’s supply of turtle wax. Can you imagine not having to worry about waxing your turtle for a whole year? Also, another time on The Newlywed Game¸ these people were all talking about making whoopee. I don’t really know what that means, but this other time I found a free whoopee pie. In the hands of the fattest kid in school. After I kicked him in the stomach. So what I am trying to say is this “luckiest person” title is pretty much up in the air.

So Richard Simmons and Mr. Spacely make a plan to take out Laura with a blindside. And they started calling her Medusa. As many of you probably remember from Clash of the Titans, Medusa was this crazy awesome chick with snakes in her hair that could turn you to stone. Seriously, she was like the second best part of the movie next to the Gorgon. Well, and the scorpions were pretty awesome. Anyways, I digress…Medusa was cool. And Laura is not. So I don’t think it’s a fair comparison. Laura is more like Bubo the robotic owl. Frikkin’ Bubo sucked.

Then came the immunity challenge and I am really getting long on words here…so let’s just skip to the end. Laura won. Which bummed out Richard Simmons and Spacely. But Richard Simmons had a backup plan…Spacely can get all of the Foa Foa members to vote against Kelly and then Galu can vote against Spacely. When he uses his idol – BAM!!11 PWNED!! O HAI!!! – Kelly goes. It was a good plan, but risky. It hinged on a number of things going right at exactly the same time. Much like my plan to get back to 1985. I have to basically drive my DeLorean and hit 88 mph, hit the wire with my connecting hook, and rely on lightning to hit the clock tower all at the exact same time. And don’t get me started about the Enchantment Under the Sea dance and Marvin Berry and 1.21 GIGAWATS??!!!! That was heavy.

So Spacely set to work telling everyone from Foa Foa to vote for Kelly, while Galu decides to vote out Spacely. And Monica actually had the intuition that maybe Spacely has the idol, but Dave said that was ridiculous. That was actually pretty smart of Monica, which was surprising. Also surprising? How hot I think it is that she wears striped tube socks pulled up to her knees. Seriously, I know its creepy for some reason. But I just don’t know why yet. This is going to take more exploration. Its gonna take long hours, but By God someone has to do it. And I am just the creep. Detective. No, creep. Creep was the word.

Next up was the Best. Tribal. Ever. It started with Erik coming out as the first member of the jury. And Dave started in saying how Erik was the worst member of the tribe. And then everyone joined in. Erik sucks. Erik’s the worst. Erik smells bad. Erik’s Chess King sweater is the lamest thing I have ever seen SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I AM A PERSON TOO WITH FEELINGS AND I AM JUST TRYING TO LISTEN TO THE TEACHER!!!111


Then everyone casts their votes. And then THE EVIL ONE comes back and asks that if anyone has the hidden immunity idol and they wish to use it, they do so now. And Spacely stands up. And hands it to LUCIFER. And everyone’s jaws drop. Seriously, I haven’t seen someone this surprised since Ralphie beat up Scott Farkus. He had yellow eyes, you know. So, yeah, he uses it…and four votes in, THE PROBST announces that Kelly is going home. Sorry Kelly. But at least you two can take solace in being part of the funnest tribal ever. So, I don’t know…congrats?

Until next time,

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