SURVIVOR SAMOA EPISODE XIII: INSERT WITTY TITLE HERE

So, I’m sitting there watching this episode of Survivor, and I am all comfortable…thinking hey, this is a cool regular nothing-crazy-is-happening episode. And then Mark Burnett is like BODY BLOW BODY BLOW UPPERCUT UPPERCUT GREAT FIGHTING YOU’RE AN UP AND COMING BOXER KING HIPPO GLASS JOE!!!! Also, did Mike Tyson chew the face off of the Nintendo graphics guy because he decided to leave his gap in his 16-bit portrait? I am assuming yes.

The episode started with the tribe coming back from tribal council. And Richard Simmons was shocked at how everyone voted out John. But to calm her, Spacely says that John was gunning for her before tribal council. She, of course, trusts him. Which makes even less sense than when Hansel and Gretel trusted that witch in the candy house. By the by, how disturbing is that fairy tale? Its like a little kid horror movie. That’s why I have taken to telling my children the story of the kids who went to visit their grandpa’s house and strayed too far into the woods only to be slaughtered at the hands of a skinmask-wearing chainsaw-wielding cannibal. And the moral is a lot easier to swallow – NEVER VISIT TEXAS!! What’s the moral of Hansel and Gretel? Don’t eat candy houses? F that…if you see a candy house, eat it. That’s my motto. And if its surrounded by a moat of malt liquor? All the better. That’s my other motto. I have a lot of mottos…but most of them involve candy and malt liquor. I am like a modern-day Confucius.

The next morning, JaiSON talks to Brett and Monica about Spacely’s money. “He told Mick he made two million dollars last year,” he says. Then Brett tries to get JaiSON to consider turning on Spacely. He says no. So he’s no Benedict Arnold. For those of my readers who don’t know, Benedict Arnold was a traitor who turned his back on America to focus on his love of Canadian Bacon and Hollandaise Sauce. The More You Know.

Next up was the Immunity Challenge. I know what you’re thinking what I was thinking. Which was – “THIS IS CRAZY AS CRAP WHAT? An immunity challenge? This early in the show? But what are they going to do for the rest of the time? And I wonder if I can fit that entire sandwich in my mouth? If I keep this glass of water handy, I think I’ll be ok. Well, here goes. Half in. Now the whole thing. Hm, its pretty hard to breathe right now. I should grab that glass of….oh crap I dropped it. This sandwich is delicious though even if it is slowly killing me. Well, I guess this is the end. And I never got to visit the Moon. Which was a goal of mine. Wait. OK….I am starting to be able to chew now. Its going down. Almost. Bam. Ah, that’s better. Now, back to the show. Wait. Do you think I could fit both of those Ring Dings into my mouth?”

Right….we were all thinking, that, right? Its amazing how we are all the same – Black, White, Man, Woman, Big, or Small. At our basest, we all carry the same fears, hopes, and dreams – which all center around trying to fit things into our mouths. I am you. And you are me. Now, come, take my hand brother and let’s shove that piece of pepperoni pizza called life into your mouth.

So, yeah, an Immunity Challenge. And it was bowling-focused. Which you would think would be boring. But…well…yeah, you were right the first time.

And, during it, Richard Simmons said that she was playing for “all her friends in a bowling league.” And I was surprised she knew people in a bowling league. It was almost as surprising as when Anakin became Darth Vader at the end of Revenge of the Sith. I am surprised easily is what I am telling you right now. Tiger has another mistress? WHAT??/????QUESTION MARKS?

In the end, it came down to JaiSON and Richard Simmons. JaiSON ended up winning, getting him his second immunity win in a row. I know. Its exciting. Until you realize that he won the first won by gaining an unfair advantage through bidding. And he won the second by knocking over, I think, two pins and beating Richard Simmons score of 0. So, it was a lot like the end of Seabiscuit. Except instead of racing thoroughbred horses, he raced a one-legged pony, a stack of newspapers, and that painting of dogs playing poker.

After the challenge, there was of course some scrambling. Mick warns that, in order to keep Richard Simmons on their side, the existing Foa Foas should vote out Dave. Spacely, however, seems to be thinking that Richard Simmons has become expendable and maybe he should be thinking about voting her out. I hope I never become expendable. I would hate to be replaced. Like when they put that other Darrin in on Bewitched. They just replaced Dick York with Dick Sergeant. That’s what he gets for having such a common name. So, I think I am pretty safe – Wayne is pretty uncommon. I think there are only like 3 other Waynes in the world – Gretzky, Knight, and Newton. And none of them, I think, can write about Punky Brewster the way I can. Or maybe they can. Dammit. I had better update my skill set. Hey, remember that show Beauty and the Beast where Sarah Connor used to make out with Lion-o from The Thundercats?

Position safe.

Then came tribal council. And there, Richard Simmons and Dave get into a disagreement about who to take to the end. Dave thinks you should take someone you have the best chance of winning against, while Richard Simmons thinks you should take the strongest. Which seems stupid. I know everyone says “to be the best, you have to beat the best.” Which is a load of crap. I always like to go up against the worst. Setting the bar low is key. For example, whenever I used to take girls on dates in high school, I always made sure to drop twenty dollars in front of a homeless person. Because showing your date that you have more money than a homeless person is a surefire way to cast yourself in a better light. Plus, like 6 times out of 10, it made me look more hygienically sound as well.

In the end…er…middle, it ended up being Dave who received the majority of votes. And we bidded him adieu. But hello to more hilarity. Hm…Oh, you just missed him. Hilarity just stepped out to take a call. But, here….mediocrity and “trying too hard” can handle things from here on out.

The next morning, Spacely starts gunning for Brett, saying that he is a huge threat. Like, an even bigger threat than global warming is to our climate or DVR is to LOUDLY SCREAMED LOCAL COMMERCIALS HEY COME ON DOWN TO ERNIE’S VACCUUM HUT WE ARE YOUR ONE STOP SHOP FOR VACCUMS WE’VE GOT CANISTER MODELS AND UPRIGHT MODELS WE’VE GOT YOUR NEEDS COVERED FROM HOOVER TO DUSTBUSTER REMEMBER OUR MOTTO IF IT DOESN’T SUCK ITS NOT FROM ERNIE’S!!!!!!!!

Next up was another immunity challenge. In this one, the tribe members had to run out into the water and retrieve these bags that they would then have to catapult, via see-saw, into these baskets. It was sort of like that game Mouse Trap in that it was a lot of work for a very small payout. Much like sitting through a later episode of The Cosby Show. So, wait…Olivia is who’s daughter now? And Rudy is what? And he wears those sweaters why? And the jokes are where?

Brett ended up winning. So, I don’t know…good for him.

After the challenge, Monica decides to try and stir the pot. She goes and tells Spacely that Natalie told her he was a millionaire. Then Spacely went and confronted Natalie, who denied that she said anything. Then he asked Brett, who confirmed it was JaiSON who told everyone. Then Spacely asked JaiSON and he admitted it, but said that this was just Monica trying to stay in the game. Then my head exploded like that Raiden-looking dude in Big Trouble in Little China.

Wow, a clouded reference to Mortal Kombat alluding to a Kurt Russell/Kim Cattral film. Guaranteed I was the only one who got that.

At tribal council, Spacely almost immediately takes out his hidden immunity idol and puts it around his neck. Not playing it, just letting everyone know he has it. It’s a pretty smart move. This way, no one is probably going to vote for him tonight and then he is still free to use it for the next tribal council. So its like he is getting two week’s worth of immunity out of one idol. He’s pretty smart. Which is odd for this show.

In the end, Monica and her tube socks were voted off….and we say goodbye to her and her tube socks…did I mention that already. I HAZ CREEPY!!!

Until next time,
Wayne